And the year of happiness comes to an end....

But that doesn't mean the happiness is ending.

This will be my last blog of 2010.... :)
And, this will be my last blog as a teenager... :\

This year has been a year of heartbreak and love, friendships and breakups. This year has been a year of tears and finding my happiness again. It was been wonderful and so terrifying. I have learned that love isn't always enough and it doesn't always last. I have rekindled my friendship with my best friend, and I lost a best friend of five years. I went to Chik-fil-A, and had another ex-best friend tear up my order and still hand it to me (or her current bffff did) lol. I met the coolest people, and fell way too hard for a complete douche bag and had my heart broken by him just like I broke the heart of a boy who loved me, but I don't regret any moment of this year. I have made new friends, and I have made some serious enemies... maybe it should they should be called "frienemies". I did PLENTY of things I should not have, and still should not be doing... but it feels so good to be bad ;). I yelled too much, trusted too soon and got sick too often. I got a couple piercings, but I avoided the tattoo. I gained 15 pounds, but I have lost 8 of them. I played video games until 6 in the A.M. And, for once, I witnessed a snow in December. We had an ice storm and could skate in the street.... All the winter weather and it's not even Christmas, yet! I learned to be content, and I learned that I know what's best for myself. The glass is always half-full, and there is always a reason to believe in the positive. I learned to give far more than I will ever receive, and to give people the more chances. I have learned how beautiful quirks and goofiness are, and I have been taught to open my mind even more than I ever have before. I met someone who will for ever change my views, beliefs and life. I jumped off the deep end, and I decided to move to Italy in January. I love this year. It has been great. I have so many amazing memories and people and places and things.

I am so happy.
Thank you 2010; I hope 2011 is even more incredible.
<3 See you in the new year.

"Werk it girl. You put the boot in bootylicious"

And that's it. I am in a boot, and my friend said it's okay, because I'm sexy enough to rock it haha.

Guess I'll have to deal with it. I fell on a brick stair bare-foot and cracked my lateral right foot. Fun. Basically, that means that I cannot work out for 2-3 weeks, and if my foot is not healed by then I will be put in a cast. FML. Right before NYC and Italy. Better heal fast. Due to the lack of exercise, I am on a 3 week diet. Yes, the dreaded word I hate to use. I am on a DIET. I cannot work out, so I have to be able to extra careful about not gaining any more weight.
My favorite guy on the planet officially won't talk to me. Deleted off facebook. Blah. What can you do?

I apparently like pickles? According to my mom I like pumpkins? lol Gotta love my best friend and mom.
I have nothing to write about. I'm happy.
Happy December everyone :) It's holiday music time, and that makes me so happy! <3

Tolerance, not hypocrites.

I have a new obsession with The Band Perry--especially 'Postcard from Paris'. So so so good. Also, the Wrecker's "Leave the Pieces" <3<3

As time is pushing forward, I'm getting more and more excited. A year! A year in Italy, by myself! How could I not be excited? I am going to miss Knoxville, southern boys and Kelly Myers a whole lot, but I'll be back, and K-town will still be here waiting on me.

I've finally started back a work-out routine. I am so much happier, except for it has made the insomnia worse.

And finally, why are girls such bitches? Seriously? I tried to reach out to an old friend, my old best friend, and she literally posted a bitchy statement on her wall about me and so did her little 'christian' friends. That's real christian, let me tell you. Sorry, honey, but christians are tolerant, accepting, loving, and incredible people. What you are is a hypocrite. Christians don't try to change their FRIENDS' view points or religious stances, because christians accept everyone for who they are. Sorry, honey, you're a hypocrite. Yeah, I may not be religious, but I have NEVER tried to push my beliefs on someone else, and I never will. I have no problem with true christians, because they can be and are some of the nicest people anyone will every cross paths with. But to tell me I am wrong, I don't know what I am talking about, and I don't know life without Jesus Christ is wrong. My best friend is a true christian, and I positively love her. She is the nicest person I know, and she would never try to infringe on someone else's beliefs. Tell me I've never been to church? Excuse me, my church is literally owned by my grandma. Her grandfather built the thing and spoke the word until he passed. Don't tell me I don't know church. I was raised to believe what I want. I was raised in a christian preschool, and I was raised with church present in my life. I believe what I feel, and what I feel is morally correct for me. I would never consider myself a christian, because I don't believe! Wouldn't that be morally wrong to preach and pretend to believe in God? Wouldn't that be against your religion? Yeah, it is. Don't tell me I'm wrong you hypocrite, because I'd never tell you you're wrong. Thank goodness I have friends who tell me that I did the right thing, to not regret reaching out, because I'd regret not saying anything even more. That at least I know I made the right decision. Why don't you try being a true, tolerant christian and not such a 'I'm stuck-up-my-own-ass, I go to church (therefore I'm better)' bitch. Fake is what that is. Fake. Because, we all sin and you are NO BETTER THAN ME IN GOD'S EYES. Equality, sweetie, not hypocritical.

I am thankful for my amazing parents, they have taught me right from wrong and incredible morals. They have taught me to be myself and to make my own decisions. But, most of all and mot importantly, they have taught me to accept others for what they are. I am thankful for them.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my accepting, understanding friends. I am thankful for my friends who love me even if everyone else hates me.

Everyone can be hypocritical, and that is fine, just admit it. Don't try to hide behind your bible. If God is who you say he is, he sees you all the time, whether your shielding your face with your bible or not. If God is who you say he is, he is not a moron and he knows exactly what you are doing, saying and thinking. Maybe you should reconsider your 'Christian' status.

I am so thankful for the life I have, my parents, my friends and most of all, I am thankful for how I have been raised. <3

1 month and 29 days until I move.....

"A penny for my thoughts? Oh, no, I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner. And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’."


I realize that in the beginning, most people are gonna talk to me, and pretend to miss me and all that nonsense, but they will quickly fade from my mind, just as I will fade from theirs. That's life, and it's perfectly fine. I just hope a few people remember, because I won't forget those few people.


I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way it'll hurt, and either way I feel like I will hurt someone or hurt myself. But, I am young, and I am brave enough to see the world alone and through my eyes, so why not do it? "If not now, when?"


"Oh, there's a wild, wild whisper blowin' in the wind--callin' out my name like a long lost friend. Oh, I miss those days as the years go by. Nothings sweeter than Summer-time and American Honey."


I just hope I don't regret missing this summer at home, because it may be my last. And, hell, if I have no reason to come home, I just may find a way to stay. Why not? If it's where I love, what I want and I am happy there, then I will stay. Sadly, my parents will have the house sold by the time when I come back.


"I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time... Up those stairs in that little back bedroom, is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar. I bet you didn’t know under that live oak, my favorite dog is buried in the yard. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave. Won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."


Yeah, I'm leaving. I'm potentially leaving for good. But, something or someone is bound to drag my heart back to the East Tennessee country side. <3

2 month, exactly, until Italy...

and I'm getting nervous, anxious, excited and weary. I'm leaving the people I am closest to for a sergeant family, but I am so proud of myself. Happy.

"Stay" lyrics by Sugarland... minus da cheatin' issues. I'm going to miss country music so much, good lord, I'm gonna miss it.

I found a family, btws. They are incredible nice. Three daughters... one set of twins. I'm gonna miss this place, but I can't wait to leave a bit of my heart somewhere distant and move forward in my life. I'm going to be about 20 minutes away from Milan--by train.

We're gonna go see "Love and other Drugs" tomorrow, but I am worried it's going to break my heart further. And, at the same time, I don't care anymore. I'll lay it all out on the table. "Come a little closer, baby; I feel like strippin' it down. Back to the basics of you and me, and what makes the world go round." Sometime I just need someone else's words to be able to speak how I truly feel. This may be my most pointless post, ever, but I'm so confused; I don't know where to begin, what to say or when to say it.

But, when I figure that out, I'll let it all flow out of my fingertips onto my keyboard and onto your chest like I always do.

If growing up means growning apart, then I want to stay 19 years and 10 months forever.

Forever is a never ending, unrealistic time away, and yet it feels so inevitable. I have sent two application to Italy, had numerous letters of recommendations written, received doctors notes about my health, and I have my passport. I need to learn to drive a stick-shirt better, get my Visa, and I need to enroll in an Italian college. I need to save money, find a renter for my apartment, and I need to somehow pay my parents back. Thank goodness for their help, because one shitty person has ruined my financial situation. And, last, but not least, I need to finish this semester. It seems so close, yet so, ridiculously, painfully far away. One month until its over.

Hiking trip.. someone planned over Thanksgiving break. Woot. If only Kelly can find someone to take, and so-and-so can get it worked out with his parental unit. I'm so excited! I love hiking, and I haven't backpacked in forever.

Adventure, adventure. Oh, and I NEED TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET! Eeeep!

Two months until I'm in NYC and 20 years old.
But, if growing up means growing apart, I want to stay 19 years and 10 months forever.

Growing

"i would much rather have a blanket of heartache for a season than have never loved at all. i’m thankful that i can experience a broken heart since my heart is now so soft. i never ever want to have an unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable heart — and i never will..." - Stacy Setzer

This quote hit me so hard, and maybe I felt it, because she is a real person. I don't know her, but I now know of her. Which is strange to think of how creepy that is. But, the quote itself is beautiful and true and warm, and it hits me right where I needed to be hit. It made me realize how lucky I am to have loved; the good times were bright and passionate, and while the pain was the worst pain, and even though it pulled me to the ground, it has still made me a better person today. I am so thankful that I know how it feels on both ends, how terrible it can feel, and I am so thankful that I know the bliss and joy and passion love can bring.

My friend told me that something can be short, but be more passionate than years of being with someone. And, he was so right. He helped make everything clear, understandable and I am finally able to move past it, enjoy it, think of him, and as one of my new favorite girl-friends said, "He's just a fond memory. It may never be exactly the same, but it can be different and just as amazing." I have no one to compare any longer. I have finally broken free, and while I now realize, just like the first boy I loved (not in-love), I will always look at him with a smile, and I will always keep him in my heart, that doesn't mean I will always be there for him. I am always the person to fall back on, but I think it is finally my time to find someone I can lean on, trust and simply enjoy. I'm so happy.

That same new friend said to me today, "I love you. Already. You are so easy to love." And, while it may be stupid for me to say, that is the nicest thing I have ever been told by anyone. It made me realize that there are people who accept me for who I am, and who can love me. Like I have said before, I am living for myself and only myself now, but that doesn't mean I don't care about anyone's feelings. I am the most loving person; I am intense and honest and sometimes rude, but the thought of hurting someone hurts me--it tears me apart. I hate losing people who I love so deeply, but at the same time, I will cut someone off if I feel it necessary. And, that friend who left me, I finally know where he's coming from. I just wish he knew where I am coming from. I have cut so many lose ties these last few months, but I have rekindled my best friends and made new, amazing friends. I've met boys, had plenty of booty calls, broken the hearts of two boys who loved me--who I just couldn't love, sadly--and I have had my heart absolutely, 100% torn apart. I think I am finally where I need to be. I am finally able to understand it all. The way I work isn't how he/she may work, but that doesn't mean either of us have to change. I am sorry to the people I have hurt, but I have moved on, accepted fate and realized some people aren't worth fighting for, and that most of the time I am not going to get who or what I want. But, eventually, maybe, there will be a person equally as loving, generous and honest as me. I am finally growing into the person I have so longed to be.

I am so happy. <3

"I didn't really know what i wanted to be, but i knew the woman i wanted to become."

~Diane von Furstenberg

<3

I'm doing the right thing.

Loss.

The loss of a best friend is becoming harder than the loss of a love. But, how could I expect any different from a man? Jealousy and angst are not a good combination for any of us.

Jump.

I'm sitting here, realizing my last few posts have been absolutely pointless and slightly selfish (well, I guess selfish is just fine considering this is my blog). I'm also sitting here thinking about what to do with my life. I recently was contacted about being an Au Pair... I gave the guy a call as soon as I received the e-mail. Well, apparently he liked me, because I wasn't supposed to start until January, but he asked me to start next week--does that mean he's firing his current Au Pair? And, in reality, it's not a true Au Pair... I'm only live-in when he is out of town. I am truly excited, but when am I not when it involves kids? This new job has got me thinking about European Au Pair jobs..... :) 'Course my dad said, "You're asking to get sold into sex-slavery."

It's just there are so many things I want to do, but I don't realize what those things are? I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I just don't know how to express my craving for a life other than the one I live. It's not that I don't love my life. I absolutely, positively am so grateful and blessed for what I have and will have in the future. My life is beautiful, challenging, surprising and rewarding. I truly couldn't ask for a better life. But, I want more. I want experiences, I want to feel lost in a new country, a new city or even just the woods. I want to challenge of starting completely from scratch, on my own, with out the help of my parents and see where I can get to and what I can accomplish. I want to find myself alone in NYC and see how I could survive. I want to back-pack across Italy without speaking the language or knowing the culture. My dad says I am a dumbass for wanting that, but unlike him, I am not scared to take that leap. I have faith and trust in myself, and that is all I need to survive in the world. Money is easy to come by. Hell, right now, I walk a dog for 15 minutes twice a week and get $20 for that... think if I walked multiple dogs. I get paid $100 a day to drive a kid from school, be free between 7 a.m. and 2 p.m., take him home, cook him dinner and help him with his homework. I get paid $35 an hour to teach tennis (soon to be $40 ;] ), and enjoy every moment of it. Money is easy, but being on my own in a huge city or foreign country is not.

Mainly, I want to take risks. Fail, succeed, yes or no. They are all simple answers to my actions. I will never get out of this town if I don't take a giant leap.

Finally, there are only 6 weeks of school left. Thank goodness. And, the best part of all is that I will be in NYC soon enough. December 30th, I am longing for you. Fashion, my favorite cousin, frozen rain, and fantastically busy atmospheres. I am so ready.

Oh! Also, I have started to make a list of "must do's"..... cliche` and I don't really need it, but, maybe, it will help me decided what it is that I want to accomplish.
&lt;3

Have I said...

that I am sick of feeling gross (physically)? Well, it's officially time to get my body back. I was looking at picture of me from May '09... I want that back. No more benges.
Body, here I come

There's something 'bout boots and boys.

Oh, Fall, you excite me! There's something 'bout boots and boys. ;)

I'm so giddy for hiking, biking, football, hot chocolate, cold starry nights, scarves, boots (!!!!), color changes, photo-shoots, MY VERY MISSED NORTH-FACE JACKET, Halloween--anyone?--my best friends and a campfire... okay I'm pretty much excited for everything that has to do with Fall.

Kelly and I are going to one of our good friends party; we're going to be a football player (me) and a ref (Kelly). Classy women. This just simply means, no matter the lovely birth-control weight gain and cravings... I'm going to have to counteract it and run my ass (literally) off. F. M. L. Plus, my last pair of pearl earrings broke. Good-bye cussing.

I came home to my parents house to do my laundry, but one of my favorite people lives down the road, so I met up with him. I was able to get the worst thoughts and feelings off my chest. Thanks boo. It felt good to completely open up about my wrong doing and my pain, and it felt good to have someone to lean on. And he's right. I can't keep waiting around, because what happens when that plane takes off again? I'll be left in the same spot. Yeah, it will feel good while he's here, but when he leaves I'll be alone again, and back in this pinch.

So, here's to yet another deep breath and fresh start, lol.
This time, the air is crisp and the breeze may be cool, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't still warm. :)

Cool weather hopefully doesn't mean a cold heart.

     The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" brings me to tears every time I hear it. It hits my heart so hard. I remember a little over a year ago when I could have died, when I felt dead inside, when I felt dead on the court and in the class room. I remember how heart wrenching that time was, but I also reflect on how much I have learned.
     And sometimes, I feel like no matter how much I've learned that I will never find that feeling again. That feeling is to know that someone loves me the way I love them. It's so hard wanting what I can't have, or feeling like I did something wrong. My mom the other day said, "Miranda, I have no doubt in my mind that Scott would make a great father, husband, that you two could be happy, but, Miranda, he is an alcoholic." And, in reality, he is. It just made me feel like he was the man I was supposed to marry, and I will never get that again. Of course, him telling me no one will ever love me again over and over again probably didn't help much either. And, strangely enough, Scott is not the one I miss. No matter how deeply in love with him I was, he is not the one I miss.
     And that is possibly the most heart breaking thing of all. That I am chasing after a hopeless dream; someone who will never admit that they love me, even if they do. Someone who is as scared as I am.

Sighs of relief.

I look at how beautiful it is outside; everyday it shocks me. I know I won't stay here, but I also know Knoxville, TN is the most beautiful place in the world.

I am so happy. I am so myself. I love this feeling. I love my life, but I am ready to experience and live my college life. I have decided to join a sorority. Anyone who knows me will drop their jaw when they first read that, but I'm ready to branch out.

The next step is getting my parents to support my decision and to apply for scholarships--lots and lots. I have the rest of my life to work. I'm sorry guys. I just don't want to miss what I have been missing. I don't want to keep on going in a constant hazy bustle. I'm always so stressed and pushed; I want this time to relax. I don't want to feel like I have to rush through college. I want to cherish it.

I mean clearly, I still want to keep my FD job and teach a little on the side, but I am ready to digress a bit. I'm ready to breath for a moment, but most of all, I'm ready to stop this haze and really see the beauty and greatness around me.

<3<3

September ties.

Fall, for the first time in my life, I can truly say I have missed you. Welcome back. I miss the big sweatshirts and the cool air flowing in my lungs. Early morning calm skies. I missed the sun that warms you and the breeze that is chilling. Ahh, relief. I am happy.

Sometimes, I question what is going on inside some people's heads. The thought that you can take anger out on another person for no reason at all. And, I realize I used to be so guilty of this--like most I still am sometimes, but I try to hard to not ever reach this level. I mostly, and sadly, only each this level with my parents, and I feel so terrible for that. We've had our brawls, but honestly, besides 2 people... two non-family members in my life, they have always--especially my mom--been there for me. The best part about them is their willingness to help me out... in the beginning of me giving up my scholarships they were furious with me, but they see my happiness and they are willing to help in any situation--not that I am always willing to let them. I am so grateful for the family I have. I really couldn't ever need for anything. I do want better relationships though, and I think that will be the most rewarding step I have taken this year... To try to repair and allow my relationship with my mom to grow. It is work on both sides, and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows how difficult it is for me--trying to separate my mom and my friend (mom as a friend). I hope she knows that I wish she was my best friend, but at the same time I can't be 100% open with her for fear of her judgments or lectures, and this is exactly what she hates about her mother's and her relationship. I'm nearly 20 years old--terrifying as that is--and I think it's time for a friend who will always be there--my Mom. Now, it's just time to convince her to let go of 100% mom and 0% friend, and become 25% mom and 75% friend. Don't think she's quite up for that one yet. :)

September: a month for repairing broken ties and sloshy relationships.

:)

"Come into my world, I've got to show, show, show you."

The trees are now deep, Summer green... which only means fall is right around the corner. But, for the first year in my life... I am not fearing Fall or Winter. I am actually looking forward to cooler weather and the color changes. I always felt as if I had lost a piece of myself when the days would start growing shorter. I felt like I was dying when my favorite Summer-green would leave the trees. No longer do I have those fears or feelings. Happiness has settled in.

I have learned of a lovely, little (literally tiny) girl who has decided it's okay to spread stuff about me. Funny thing is, she broke up with the boy who I dated for a short period of time, and yet, she still feels the need to discuss me? I know I'm growing up, because instead of brutally beating her down (mentally, not physically), I decided to just roll with it, and act as nice to her as I can. I also told the guy we both dated not to say a word--he was rather pissed. I don't think it's worth the stress or angst or sacrificing of my pride to go down to her level and say stuff to her. She's a girl; girls are bitches, and that is what they do. Don't ever let a girl tell you that she's different, because I am as non-catty as they come, and I will still slip and let my mouth run. But, I never let my mouth run about someone that I do not know on a personal level. That's just another disgusting trait that women have... the green-eyed-monster talk. J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.

So far, three days of classes have gone by, and I'm already getting stressed. I have two psych classes back-to-back... probs not the best idea, but oh well. I have to work through this. The worst class by far will be Spanish 211. I am so bad with English; how am I expected to pass Spanish? I need a tutor ASAP... I'll pay. So, if you're relatively talented at Español... give me a shout. All-in-all, I am satisfied... even if I'd rather not be in school.

Welcome to "...my world, I've got to show, show, show you.... I have dreams of Orka whales and owls, but I wake up in fear that you will never be my dear, dear, dear."

Welcome back, Brain.

I went up to Lee this weekend to help a friend cope with homesickness... something I have never felt and will probably never feel. I just do not have that attachment to my parents. I love them, don't get me wrong, but I prefer accomplishing tasks on my own. Anyway, when I arrived back to K-Town, I was asked... "Don't take this wrong, but has she ever dropped everything for you to help you cope?" I said, "No, but no one is a friend to me like I am to them, and that doesn't bother me, because she's the closest thing to it." I can't decide whether that's sad that I think like that or virtuous.

The good news is... I'm back! I think friendship and music has a lot to do with it, because I see little bits of myself popping out of the clouds every time I listen to the music I used to listen to. I also played a tourny this weekend, and realized I need some major coping methods. I puked before my matches and lost to a girl I normally would beat 6-0, 6-0. But, I ended up winning my next two singles matches, and the girl I played dubs with and I won the doubles draw! It was unbelievable scary to be on the singles court again, but so beyond fun to play dubs competitively again... and I normally hate doubles!

Okay, so I'm back writing this, numerous hours later, because there was a huge issue.... I thought my apartment was on fire. Fire dept came and the whole shebang..... turns out, our water heater blew up... or something like it. So, we have zero hot water and a horrendous stench. lol... guess I'll be showering where I work.

School is starting Wednesday, and while I am NOT excited about the daily drag of 8 am- 12 pm classes... I am excited about a new major. I always enjoyed my other psychology classes, and I love kids... so maybe this is where I should be. I'm really going to miss art... a lot. I've been breaking my camera out constantly. I even set up some photo-sessions with a couple girls I teach. Excitement!

I was on the lake with a boy, a very not-my-type boy, but a very bold boy. And, I actually let myself have fun. The kind of fun where you forget that you have a job to go back to the next day, or in my case that I had puked multiple times due to anxiety in the previous days. Very attractive I am. And apparently I'm now Yoda. He asked me if my nails were real... which is absolutely hilarious, because clearly he doesn't know how lazy I am about grooming... and while I did once have gel-tip nails... I will never have them again. So very over priced for the cheap look they have. But, I'm a freaking boss, and I grew them all by myself--accomplishing a goal of mine :)! Ridiculous goal? Maybe in your opinion, but I have bit my nails since I was like 2 years old... so it's a big deal to me.

Not only did I grow my nails back out, but I am becoming able to socialize and simply enjoy the small moments of life again.

Welcome back, Brain... I really did miss you.

Satisfaction.

Can I just say that I love where I am at right now? I love my job; I truly love my job. How could anyone not?

Today, I taught a 14 year old girl, who had never picked up a racket, who was not athletic and who has quit everything she has ever tried. She did great for her first wack at an incredibly difficult sport. I explained to her how difficult it is, and I explained why footballers always say it's a joke.... because they can't do it! She understood, she didn't get frustrated, and an hour after her lesson I got a call from her Grandma. She was so thankful and delighted....and I felt the same way. I inspired her granddaughter to play this life-long sport. I inspired her shy granddaughter to go out for her high school team. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like I have a purpose and that I am doing what I should be. She said her granddaughter was so ecstatic when she came off the court and proclaimed, "I love tennis! I love her!" I am so happy that I have the chance to brighten someones day or change the way they feel about sports or teams or anything in general. Idk how to explain the feeling. It's simply wonderful. I have a purpose. I have a purpose. I have a purpose.

I recently decided to grow up and contact a lost friend. We had a falling out, because, well, basically I was ditched for someone who was more 'fun'. As we talked it through, it became clear to me. She said she never meant to ditch me, she knew I was her true best friend... the person she could always trust, but she showed me a couple things I had been doing that were hurting her. It's funny that we sent up a date to talk things over.... Well, as soon as she got there, we both forgot what we were upset over, and we talked like 3 months was never missing from our friendship... We shared the extremely personal-never-tell-anyone-thoughts like nothing ever happened between us. It feels nice to have her back.

I start classes on the 18th. I'm up to 18hrs of classes at the moment... and I am debating taking the 7th class. I just want to be out of school. I'm so over it. Three years in was long enough! Two left. That's all I can redundantly and obnoxiously say. Sadly, as I'm finally regaining myself and my happiness, my 'friends' are leaving to go off to school. I can't believe I spent an entire Summer with petty feelings holding me back. Start a new fashion... wear your heart on your sleeve.... which is what I do in most cases!

Here comes a great Fall filled with, hiking, swimming, traveling, teaching, a lot of learning and plently of  loving.

Hello, August.

As cliche` as it sounds, I can't believe the summer is over. Time is passing too quickly, especially now that I am getting older.

It's official, I am an Early Childhood Education major. Huge change. Two years, two years. What's annoying is that I would have been graduating this May if I would have stayed at ETSU. sigh.

Anyways, when I was driving around today, I realized how many people we pass, and look into the eyes. Just random people, no contact, except maybe a smile or a passing wave. Yet, I can't muster up the balls to look someone straight in the eye and say, 'hey, what's up?" Shaken, not stirred, please.

And as for the 10lbs of muscle on my upper body and 10lbs of muscle on my lower body.... I think I'm getting there rather quickly. I'm kinda, disgustingly huge, but if it makes coach take me seriously... I must do it.


Hello, Happiness; you wanna go fishing sometime?

Just ask me.

You want to know about me? For the last year I have been down in the dumps, and it has taken me breaking someone’s heart, karma biting my ass and getting my heart broken to realize who I am again. First of all, I AM a tennis player. I am a lover if you're my friend, but I will be a fighter until I'm dead. They say I'm too intense and apparently I'm intimidating. So, I'm spilling my heart out to random people (or no one) to show that I am not cold or mean. I am honest, I am wild, I am exceptionally out-going, yet I can be the shyest person you will ever meet. I won't ever lie to you, and you can bet on me giving you my honest opinion. I'll break it down on a dance floor to O.P.P. with my exceptionally fun mother, and I will sit in the corner not talking to a soul--both of which I am perfectly content with. I don't have very many friends, but the few I have are priceless, and Mom always told me if I have as many true friends as fingers on one hand then I am a very lucky person. I have a gypsy soul, and I'd rather be anywhere than where I am now. I never want to truly hurt someone, but I constantly do. I am not about pleasing others, but I sure as hell can get the job done if I have to. I don't play games, and I'm in it for love. Yes, I have a temper, but give me 15 minutes (or less) and I'll be over what ever you did to piss me off. I forgive too easily and love too openly, but I wouldn't change who I am for the all the diamonds world. I think elephants are the most incredible animals, and I love the idea of Buddhism. I wear pearl earrings everyday, and maybe one day, if you're lucky you'll know the ridiculous reason why. :) The piano is my favorite instrument, and I can sing with all my soul, but will I ever do it around anyone other than my dad... probs not. I sincerely love classical music, but Led Zeppelin is my favorite band, and Nickel Creek can bring me to tears. I love passion and to feel it in my knees when someone kisses me. I love the nervous first few dates, but I really love it when that feeling stays around. I follow my heart, always. I have a strangely amazing connection with my grandma, but I have been told that I am my great-grandma reincarnated. Old soul? Yes. Judgemental? Yes, I can be terribly judgemental, but my judgements are usually not false. I want to experience life first hand, not through your photographs or words. Yet, very ironically, if you give me a camera, you'll find me at peace with myself and for a short period of time I will be taken away from reality. Give me a racket, and you'll see me full of joy (and frustration). I have no fear of death, and I love adrenaline pumping through my body. I need excitement, honesty, and loyalty...give me those and you'll have the best friend you could ever ask for. If you think I'm insane, a bitch, hypocritical or anything else, go ahead, I won't try to prove you otherwise. And with this blog, I don't know what I'm trying to prove, but I guess I'm just trying to learn more about myself and give myself a year of happiness and self expression.

Brooklyn, brooklyn take me in.

So, here I am. Single... again. Which is strange for me, because I never thought I'd know what this feels like again.... or actually enjoy it. I forgot the fun and enjoyment of people talking to me. Nevertheless, I am feeling much better after my 'melting due to the sun' episode.

Can I say how much I love my new place (and my new roommate)... no, no I can't tell you how much. Although, I haven't done laundry in two weeks, and I have no clean bras.... but other than that I am super. I can't the NYC urge out of my system. I am saving money--my idea of saving money is not eating at chikfila 3 times a day, because I don't spend much other than that. Sadly, this month, due to rain, has sucked for me. I haven't had many hours, and I have only had a few privates a week... less cash-flow = longer time until I can go to NYC.

I am also changing my major, maybe. I LOVE ART SCHOOL. O-M-G. I love it. I never want to leave it. I love all the nifty things I learned and accomplished, but I don't have time. I want tennis, and my parents don't seem to understand how serious about it I am. So, here I am. Changing my major to education.... hello boring, so that I can focus more on tennis--which is ridiculous considering that my parents don't even take me serious, so in reality the dream is already forgotten. I can always fall back on my camera... or teaching... who needs a degree for those?
     I so desperately want for excitement in my life. Day-in and day-out I am doing the same thing: teaching 9ish until 4ish.... working out from 6ish til 8ish... playing tennis when I can. I just don't know how school is expected to work out when I am already bored just thinking about an even more scheduled lifestyle. I need crazy and hectic! I neeeeeeed busy! I simply need a change...typical. Luckily, that's where my roommate comes in...

Hello white-water rafting!

She's all chill, but she is a hiker (<3) and she's taking me white-water rafting Sunday! I am so beyond pumped. I am also pumped for camping and backpacking this fall. And dad, when you read this, yes, we will be using your gear, and yes, we will bring the male gender with us and pepper spray. :)

As for NYC, I think I might take a trip on fall break, and the again at Christmas break--but that time with Melina. She is dying to go as well. We are going to walk the city with all the snow. Hell, Maggie (roommate) might be going as well once she hears of the plans. Kinda sucks that the people I talk to all start with M's.... Melina, Maggie, Mom, Malcolm, Megan.... lol I tend to get my text a little mixed up. Good thing I don't have anything to hide :)

I am also, strangely, excited for Fall and Winter. I suppose it's due to the fact that I WILL finally be travelling north. Although, my parents insist I will hate it. Clearly, they don't know the inner workings of a Maroo. Speaking of that 'M' name thing, I have even, on rare occasion, text myself. haha Classic.

Also, I'm truly becoming my wild-talk-to-anyone self again. Well, besides one person. I believe the confidence is FINALLY coming back to me. I have been breaking it down everywhere I possibly can. I think tennis is really helping me break out of the horridly thick shell I have built around myself. Breathing again is nice. Working out again is also nice; cutting body fat is not nice.

I need to get my camera out. I think I might start trying to do some photo shoots with people and get credibility. I need something else in my life. Good thing my lovely cousin wants me to be the photographer for her NYC based future-advertising business :)!!!!! ahh. Excitement right there.

Okay, enough rambling for now. Only 4 more hours of work---4 freakishly boring, just sitting at a desk hours.

Love:)

The Snow-Ball Effect

I was rollin'....... then the sun came out and melted me.

Thanks for life crashing in on me.

"Everybody knows almost doesn't count."

I wish I could express myself again. I get so jumbled. I use other people's lyrics to express my feelings and thoughts. I just want to be able to open up, and I don't mean on a blog... I mean in actual life. The good news is that my old (yet still best of best) best friend is coming over today. She is the queen of talking to new people. I just need to work to get back where I was almost a year ago... before my brain swelled up. I keep looking back at pictures of me when I was so much happier. It's been so hard, but the last few weeks I've felt so much relief.
Maybe I'll go dancing.
I love dancing.
SOMEONE TAKE ME DANCING!
And, no, I don't just mean at a club... although that'd be nice, too.
I want to actually dance--like in Dirty Dancing.
That is sexy and sensual and expressive.
That's exactly what I want.
Although, I also want a 35mm camera. lykeomg. I'm dying for one... but I have zero money. So, like everything else in my life... that will have to wait. I know things are going to work out for me though. I see the light. I am no longer constantly negative or down. I am feeling happy most of the time now. And besides, Vinny LOVES this place. Hell, I love this place. And my roommate is the shit. She put up all the dishes and took Vinny out when I couldn't which made me super happy.
I am also on a sorta-kinda diet. More-so I am going to try to get my legs cut again and drop my body fat down some. I want to feel confident and secure again, and sadly, that is probs the only way to do it. Another thing that is making me secure again is having Logan back in my life. I love her with all my heart; she understands me more than anyone. Working bullshit out is always the best choice.
My god I'm rambling like I don't have any brain cells.
Which I wish I had all my previous ones back, ugh. Soon, though. Soon.
I love that I am listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora. hahah I love Boyz to Men and Destiny's Child. hahah White Chocolate. fosho. cough.
My god I love this rambling.
Today, a kid that I teach called me before his match. It really made my day. I feel so appreciated when they call me to say thanks or ask for advice. I feel extra appreciated when a parent calls or compliments me. It's so wonderful having something that satisfies me in my life.
God it better not rain. We need drunken pool business. Then clubbing.
Then I remember that I work at 10. Ugh.
Fml. Logan better get here early. We may not be going out after all hahah
I want someone to ask me about myself. To figure out things I can't even figure out. That would be wonderful. I met my hair stylist today, because I have a frizzy mess, and I love her. She is so amazing to talk to. She can explain everything about the opposite sex. I swear she is the cutest girl, but has a guys brain... way smarter than any man will ever be though. I just simply love her.
I'm planning to make the move north in the next couple years. I don't want to be in school. I want to play tennis, and if that doesn't work out, I want to TEACH tennis. I love either. I love to play, though, but I feel as if my parents have kinda lost hope. I try to get my dad to hit with me and he always is making some bogus excuse--which is heartbreaking. My mom makes excuses about my knees. Well, get the fudge over them, they are fakooked up. They always will be. I want to reach for my dreams. It's my turn. I know that I can do it... I just don't know if I can make it. But, I want to try. I need to live my life how I want to, and I need to stop worrying about displeasing my family. I know what choices are right for me, and tennis is the right choice for me. No matter what I do, it has to be involved in my life. I'm addicted to it. I get high from it. I love it. If I could marry tennis, I would. ha.
Ah, 'Angel of Mine' just came on. HAHA I LOVE IT! I'm gonna jam and play some tennis.
Love love love love <3
:)
"I look at you, looking at me, now I know why they say the best things are free."

"Hey now pretty baby, I always take the long way home."

     Yesterday, I was made fun of for talking about Vinny's play dates... lol. But, this morning--while on his walk--I realized that he legit needs a play date... as ridiculous as that sounds. He's like a child, when he saw this dog today (he had met him yesterday) he had a heart attack wanting to play. He also wanted to play with an unusually large lab. I love his outlook. He loves EVERY type of creature, but that doesn't mean he loves every dog he meets. I swear he has a sense (like most dogs) of which is bad and which is good; he's the same way with people. It's hilarious when he doesn't like someone that I don't like. It's endearing when he instantly loves who I care about. My favorite is when Tootsie, the attack dog from hell (if we're not there she hides behind the couch and barks), instantly loves my best friend or a boy I bring home.... when she growls, I know there's an issue. I love how little animals have such hearts, and how they trust their intuition far more than I ever will. I sound crazier than the craziest crazy right now, but they are so innocent and true. I would love to feel that innocence or truthfulness again.
     But, even if I can't get that back, that doesn't mean I can't view the world a little differently. I know I'm cynical--getting better--but I didn't know how bad of trust issues I have, and I really don't know why I have such issues. I mean I realize why I have certain trust issues, but why can't I be like Vinny? If you hurt him he--after a few minutes forgives and forgets about it--and I also forgive instantly, but it's so difficult for me to forget. Sometimes, I hate remembering everything I'm told, because I accidentally will bring something that is said to me up, and then everyone thinks I am using that against them. I can feel myself changing for the better though... I can be the first to apologize, I can accept an old friend who hurt me, and I am feeling weight lift off my shoulders easier.
     I think I should just relax and stop being such an uptight beeyotch.
oh well, :)
Beautiful day, wonderful breeze and good music... I'm happy.

New Place, New Start.... again.

     Sitting on our balcony, newly furnished I must add, I eat my second dinner in my new place. I wish I had a lighter for the candles. Actually, I wish I had a lot of things. But, this place is beautiful and calming... no more Thirsty Thursdays downtown.... not that I'm not planning to quench my thirst tomorrow night with my best friends. ;) Only 'cause it's the 4th (well, 3rd)! Ah, I mention the quiet--total jinx--now, I hear fireworks.
    I feel so relieved, and I do not ever know why. Maybe, it's the breeze or the sunset; maybe it's that 'Doubting Thomas' just came on, or maybe it's, because I have just realized that I'm going to be okay. The fear has been killing me; it's been driving me crazy, literally. All I have been focusing on is the negative; I have forgotten to take in the positive, the love and laughter which surrounds me. And, yes, I say this today, and I realize tomorrow could be a whole new round of emotions. But, for right now, I think I'll just over-look that reality and take in the beautiful sounds around me.
<3

:/

How can I be in a room full of people I love and still feel alone?

As Vinny attacks my feet...

... I realize that I am happy.
     The weight is off my chest, and I pushed through the pain, quickly--to my amazement. I suppose I did so, because I was just so sick of the crap. My life is solid again; the road I am traveling down is more like a Tennessee road, again, and less like a New Jersey road. And my mom says, "Well, maybe you didn't love him." But, that's the thing, I loved him so much that I was blinded; I was hurting myself.
      I've already ventured out, met someone, and I am myself again--minus the brain. I desire to play and achieve my tennis goals again, and I've been going outside more--not just because I teach from 8:30 until 3. It's still difficult to get over my trust issues, but I already feel myself relaxing... a nice feeling after six months of tension. I am moving into a new place, and I am living with a friend this time, lol. I feel goofy again, and yes, I am still too snappy, but I'm working on that one :). 
      I feel whole again, and I DO deserve that.
<3<3

Lost in the silence of a dead-beat friend.

  It has occurred to me that maybe I am not cut out for friendships of people my age. It seems like everyone is going to hurt me or leave me. I don’t understand. Call me what you want, but having goals or rules is not manipulation, and if you’re happier without me then leave me, quit dragging me on. I am not going to be someone’s rag doll, and I think it’s about time that I start standing up for myself again. I am not this weak, sad person that I have become. I will not be like this anymore. It’s my life, my time, my heart. Who are you to try to take that from me? Who are you to break that? If you want out, then you’re going to be a nobody to me, because I am sick of having to do the right thing. I am sick of giving in and forgiving. I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I have even forgotten some, which is something I have never been able to do until you, but it is not enough, and sadly, it will never be enough. I have changed my bad habits, and yes, I have acted out and thrown my fair share of fits. I have never tried to portray myself to be something I am not. I am not nice, unless I love you, and even then, I won’t be nice if you aren’t nice to me. I have a bitter tongue, and yeah, my standards are high. If you can’t keep up with it, then leave, but do not ever accuse me of being someone I’m not or doing something I never would. I am NOT manipulative, evil, or psycho. I do not think I am perfect, nor do I expect perfection, but I do expect greatness. Oh, kill me for being sooo awful. I am who I am. I have always been true to myself until these last few months. But, it is my time now, and I will no longer bow down to anything. I will find another you; a better, smarter, nicer, more mature version of you. Sadly, and I reluctantly say this, you are and always have been everything I have looked for in a man, and the only way someone could actually be better than you is if they were you 5 years down the road. I love you, but we are going in different directions. You want friends? Well, I want a family. What happened to you loving me so much that you talked about proposing to me? What happened to OUR plans, OUR life? It’s gone now. I doubt we can get it back. I wish. I hope. I dream for the simplicity of life to come back, but I am not longer a kid. I’m not a child; I guess this is what growing up is all about: choices, decisions, love, heartbreak, friendship and losses. I just have to choose which ones I allow to affect me and which ones I will not allow to affect me.

Thursday, up at 6:45, not that I have slept late/well in a week...

     It's strange how it has ended so quickly. But, I suppose it takes two. I guess it wasn't meant to be, not right now at least. We are both so defensive, and things won't fix until we can see both sides. I feel like I can, I do, but he does not feel that way. It's funny how 15, 20, 30 years ago, kids were married with kids at our age, but for some reason we are not expected to be mature enough to handle a living situation. Maybe what my mom says is right. She tells me that if one of us was 25, it would have worked out just fine, but because we are both kids, it won't. We are selfish, but we are selfish in different ways. I haven't stayed in our place for 5 days now. It's hard to go back, because I love it. I love the decorations, I love the furniture, but sadly the furniture is his. Basically meaning that I won't be living there within the next few weeks. Hopefully, I'll be living in a loft, not alone, but I'm screwed money wise. If I did stay in our condo, I'd have to buy furniture, and pay rent and electricity by myself. If I move in with a girl, I have to pay one solid fee. I think the loft, especially come winter-time, will end up better money-wise, but it will still be hard. It's also hard knowing that we aren't strong enough to fix things... once again my mom calls it maturity. I just hope things work out. It's hard for me to say, "What ever happens, happens." A little over a year ago, I didn't give a rat's ass what happened. Now, it's like my life is either: A) going to suck with him, B) going to be fantastic with him, C) be fantastic without him, or D) suck without him. Awesome choices, considering that 'B' and 'C' seem far fetched. Ironically, 'Don't Stop Believin'" just came on. HA. I wish I could chill out, and let things flow.  But, then again, I wish I was 6 years old, and all I had to worry about was making sure my mom didn't find the grubs I hid under my bed (I didn't realize she'd notice the smell). I also just found out that UTK took off 15 of my credit hours, making me not a junior... um bullshit? Yes, I think so. Mom, can I just get my associates? I wish I could ditch school (money allowing) and travel across the world hahahaha. Such a Cameron I am.
P.S. No spell check; don't judge me. ha
P.S.S. My nails are growing out!! Fantastic!! And, I actually fixed my hair yesterday! Oh, yeah!

     You tell me I need friends, but who am I to be friends with? It's so hard to trust people when I feel like I can't even trust most of my own family. I wish I was closer to my family; I wish I had a sibling to be best friends with--someone who would never let me down, but that's sadly a dream. I feel like I out grow my friends, or my friends out grow me. Then, I see the girls who have all been friends since preschool. It is sad. No wonder I'm so cynical. I lost my best friend in the world; she is alive, clearly, but she just stopped caring. I feel like I'm the only one who hurts from that. I feel like she doesn't care. And maybe she doesn't. She has all her 'good-time-charlie' friends, and who do I have? My dog? My friends say to me, "Well, you have Scott, now." Um, thanks? Does that mean I don't need you? Scott doesn't want to hang out with me, and why should he? He has friends of his own. Maybe it's because I am not like most girls. Maybe it's because I get along better with a 25 and 27 year old. I'm so stuck. I'm 19, but I don't enjoy the things that most 19 year olds enjoy. I don't want to waste my life or my time at the mall. I want to experience things. I want to love and trust and enjoy my short lifetime. I want to have a good time with people with out going to a stupid club or hitting on guys, and that's the problem. I am not interested in guy chasing or partying. I am so boring, lol. I like walking downtown or taking Vinny to the dog park, or simply going to the park. I feel so alone in the world. It hurts. It's painful to know that I have no one to be around or enjoy life with. I feel needy when I ask someone to hang out with me, and I end up not trying after a few times of being told, "no, I have plans, sorry." It's embarrassing. I walk to class, alone; I don't talk to anyone in my class; I walk back to the condo, alone; I drive to the dog park, alone; I teach tennis and train people, alone; I eat, alone. I do everything by myself. How can you expect me to be happy? Today, I'm sitting in a cold office for 8 hours, and I am alone. I try everyday to have a good day, to be positive, but I see myself slipping backwards. I wish I had a true best friend. I wish I had someone to hangout with everyday, because Scott--being my only friend--doesn't want to only hang out with his mopy girlfriend. I don't blame anyone. But, that doesn't mean I don't understand it. She was my best friend for 5 years, and when I went to ETSU, she just gave up. I had a new best friend, but she doesn't seem to care too much either. Maybe I should just be a loner like I always was. I never cared before, why do I care now?

There is a difference between a redneck and being southern.

     My last day of classes was Friday, and what a relief that was. What's not much of a relief are the 5 finals I have to take--4 finals and one final critique. The critique is going to be a complete bitch considering: 1) I haven't even started on my "semester long" project, 2) three teachers are going to be critiquing my project, 3) one of those teachers hated my idea. Great. Oh well, I have to just suck it up. It's not a project that I could do all semester, it involves scent... you can't hold a scent in a jar for 5 months.
     Luckily, I pulled the last month out of my ass and some how brought ALL my grades up. Thank goodness, because I was having the worse semester of my nearly 3 years in school. If I had just chosen to stay at ETSU in the bullcrap degree I was in, I would be done by May 2011. Ugh, that kills me. But, then I think about how much I LOVE UTK and how much I love their art program. I feel like I'm being cynical again.
     We have been babysitting Tootsie (my 10 [or something] year OLD chihuahua), and needless to say, she hates Vinny... she would eat him if she could. We've had her for 3 days now, and she is finally chilling out, but we still have to keep them in separate rooms at all times. It's actually hilarious to watch them. Vinny pounces her and bobbles around, and all Tootsie does is growl and snap and sometimes actually bite him. He doesn't care, he just wants to be "friends" aka play.  My best friend also stayed with us for two nights, hilarious, because she and Tootsie slept together on the air mattress. She said, "I didn't get any sleep, because of Tootsie. I'd move and hear 'SQUEEEK!'. I told her that Toots could have slept with us, and she said, "No, I want her to sleep with me, she's pitiful. I couldn't help, but to watch her all night." Tootsie has super bad hip dysplasia, so she "walks like a runway model".
     I really don't have anything to discuss, because I fully believe in the jinx, and every time I mention how well things are going, they blow up in my face within a couple of hours. 
     For instance, I start talking about how great work is, how many privates I have, and etc... the next week zero privates and cancelations on my group training programs. But, I plan on fixing that by advertising--at least where I work.


     I love looking out our windows every day. The HUGE, green oaks take over each bedroom window and one living room window. It really forces me to start my day off happily. Plus, the relief of school being out for the semester make me extremely less stressed. Yet, for some reason, I've opted to take 2 summer-school classes. I really need to, because my major is a 5 year program, and it's already kicking my ass. I am only taking four classes next semester. If I could get into drawing 1, I would go ahead and take 5 class. I don't want to be here forever, but it looks like 2 or 3 more years for me...there is just too much to do for me to finish school at my originally planned date. I don't really know why I want to rush things, maybe it's because I just want to work, or maybe I'm rushing my life. I really love school, but I hate it at the same time. I have 64 hours left at UTK. So, I will be in summer school, a lot. That's okay though; I'm going to try to enjoy life more. Take is easy and slow.
    My goal for May is self respect. Along with still eating healthier and working out more, I plan on taking better care of myself. I want to stop biting my nails forever!!! Ah, such a bad habit. I always stop, then give into temptation after 3 or so months. I want to have better manners, and I really wish to stop cussing so much. I think it's about time I mature enough to start talking like a lady and not a sailor. (Vinny just nuzzled me, and his ears are all floppy, because he's tired :P)
     I'm going to get off of here and take care of today. :)

Lookin' out my backdoor (if I had one)

     IT'S THE COVER MONSTER! aka Vinny, attacking everything from under a blanket. It must be his favorite thing to do, because he starts snorting and kicking around like there's no tomorrow. He has been sick the last couple weeks, and it is wonderful to see him back to his old self. I love the little guy....as he attacks Scott's legs!!
     I am disappointed in myself for not giving up facebook; I did for 3 or 4 days, but then something bad happened, and I used it to look and admire other peoples' newly blossoming relationships. Yeah, sometimes I do reminisce about our first few months together, before the stress of school and this depressing winter hit. And I refuse to say a good comment, due to the jinx (Jess and I have his insane problem with the 'jinx'; it proves to never fail in ruining a good moment). I will say that Summer is right around the corner, and we can both breath the fresh air we want to.
     I started actually working out again, yay! I really love it. Too bad it's raining today, because Mae and I had planned a little jog before pilates--plus, I can't walk Vinny. 
     Did I mention how wonderful it is outside? It's too chilly, but I see leaves, tulips, grass, animals!! AH! Wonderful.
     Anyways, geology lab final today, and I am ready to get it knocked out. I am doing so bad in school this semester; I think I have two C's. I think the winter and the stress have really combined. Plus, I have NO money, literally. I overdrew due to a confusion with the bank statement, and great, no one to teach last weekend or to train all last week. Great. I'm even more poor. Thank goodness it's almost summer--meaning I get to work and make a nice amount of $$. 
     Off to study. My goal today is to simply enjoy today. No stress.

bubbles in the wind

Today has to be the most beautiful day thus far. I'm so grateful for the weather.
I have already worked out, walked Vinny, and now, I'm about to sit in my lovely (yes, I mean that) Northern European Art History class. Last night I printed out a new work out routine and a meal plan. I'm excited to truly be on track again... The work out killed me, and sadly, I couldn't go to yoga for more than ten minutes. Tonight, after I teach some tennis, Scott and I are going to go work out, again. Aka, he's going to play basketball, and I'm going to sit on the sidelines wishing I had the balls to play with the guys.......

I paused and forgot I was writing this at about 1 p.m. Now it is 6:30 p.m., and I am about to teach my clinic. Besides the sheets of pollen in the air, it feels wonderful. Fox Den is always quiet and relaxing, especially when I'm sitting on my home courts. I'm on my favorite court, in fact, in the shade. The breeze is just light enough that it is cooling me off--or maybe it's just that Fox Den has a protective bubble around it, making its weather the best in Knoxville.
When I walked Vinny at about 5:30, I let that time become my time to think. I let off so much steam, I felt so tranquil, but now the peace is going away. I'm having to remember problems, again. But, that's okay. I am working so hard to understand life and its little antics. Nothing is perfect, because perfect doesn't exist in REAL life. Perfect only exists in math and science type things. Something can always be better (or worse if that is what you wish). But things are not ever the same; each moment is different; life has its ups and downs, and that is just what I have to keep telling myself.

:) love love

Work, work, all week long.

     The last week or so I have been taking Vinny on a walk/run every morning, afternoon and evening. I thought it would kill some of his energy, but he's just as crazy. I swear you can't unwind the dog. Anyways, Scott and I decided to take him to the play ground downtown, see if he liked it. Well, he LOVED it. He went down and up the slide a hundred times; he loved to climb all over the whole set. I love how childlike he is, how stubborn he is. We are both a bit obsessed with him--we even bought him a life-jacket for the summer.
     Friday night sucked, to say the least. I won't discuss what happened, it would be rude of me, but it was terrible. I didn't sleep the entire night, and I had to work the next day from 9am-6pm. The good news is? It's over. It's fixed. Major breakthroughs happened; things are better. Am I still hurt? Yes. I will be for a long time, but I think it has helped me grow a little bit. I am the only person that can make me happy--the happy as a whole, not mood--and that is okay. Basically, the whole weekend was so stressful that I only got like 6 hours of sleep in over 48 hours. Now, the most stressful thing is getting 3 paintings done, when I've never painted for a grade or from an actual object in my life.....
     I'm doing really well with my goals right now. I am working to get my life back to where it was, my body and mind. I am working to achieve what I have planned to do. By the end of the year, I want to be able to run 8 miles again... right now I'm at 3. I hope to go above and beyond the 8, and I wish I had someone who was willing to do it with me. I want to become a health freak and workout obsessor again. I think now is the best time to start, because I am reaching for who I want to be in life... making myself for likely to succeed at a goal I set.
     Sadly, I am not asking my mom to work out with me anymore. I can't take the excuses or being blown off. It's embarrassing, it hurts, and it makes me feel unworthy for her time--which is not something I want to feel right now.
     As I work harder and harder, I will blow off more steam. I will be able to manage who I am, how I feel and what I say. I just need a release agent other than food. I want to drop that bad habit. I want to exercise when I am down-in-the-dumps. But mostly, I want more that what I think I have. I want to work.
<3<3
  

April Showers Bring May FLowers :)

     Hello Beautiful Day! Yoga this morning.... :)! I'm feeling super today, eating my organic Kashi cereal--honestly better than dang CoCo Puffs--and drinking my organic tea. Back to health!
     My camera came out of its dusty bag yesterday, and I was able to paint (if that's what you call it) outside. I can't say anything because I'm feeling so great. I wouldn't call it happiness, yet, but I am sure near it. I feel like most people classify happiness as a mood, but Scott made me see [happiness] differently.
     When he would get upset, I would always say, "Why aren't you happy?" He'd quickly correct me, assuring me he was happy, just that his mood wasn't... umm... cheerful? Maybe he doesn't quite know what he was either (not the word cheerful, but what the whole statement meant). I just am excited to get back to who I am. It's spring. :)
     I'm not writing much today, because I want to be outside. I want to water all my plants, and open the windows. I want to cross the street and take my camera out. Actually, before all that, I'm taking Vinny on a walk. Ahh, fresh air = <3!
     
     Go outside today, guys! Go to the park, down the street, go somewhere!
Maroo.

Warmth!

Good morning glorious SUN-SHINE and open windows! I feel great today. I really do. Scott and I celebrated our 1 year yesterday, and--no jinx--the tension has been lifted off our relationship, a lot. Winter does some nasty things to our brain chemistry, but with a little bit of sunshine and warm air, I can feel the angst lifting off of my shoulders.
     My cell phone picture through a 1980's window does no justice to the view I see.
     Anyway, April 1st is quickly approaching. Scott and I have decided not to eat out one time during April, and we are trying to diet--Scott diet, I am going to less junk food... again. This time I feel like I can succeed, I feel ready. Maybe that comes from my better mood and the warm air, or maybe it comes from me because tired of failing at goals I set...maybe, it's because I've had enough cheese today to kill someone...and it's only 9 am. I heard a new study of GMA about cheese, and they said it raises women's estrogen levels? Which, in turn, leads to higher risk of breast cancer?! HELLO! Stop eating so much cheese! Duh, Miranda, it's obvious that you shouldn't eat so much. So, here I go, revamping my whole diet. Back to healthy. I so wish to be a vegan again, but I don't think that it would be the best decision at the moment. I don't eat very much meat, at all. The only time I eat meat, it tends to be chicken for one, and it tends to be every couple days. I have the occasional steak, but only when I crave it. I love seafood, but I only eat it every few days. But when it comes to dairy, OH MY. Ice cream, yogurt, milk, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, and cheeses galore! Yum, yum, yum. I'm saying bye, bye to ice cream this month, but I refuse to not eat yogurt. 1) it is amazing for you, 2) I need some calcium, people. I am eating soy yogurt right now, eh. It's alright.
     Any way, I'm saying hello to this gorgeous day, and hell yes to the month of April. :) Happiness, I can feel your warmth, already. :)
     Love, love.

V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, Go VOLS GO!

     Ah, what an end to a great day. Scott turned 20, and the Vols are in the elite eight. Wonderful. 
     
     It's becoming obvious to me that I have a problem with food, again. I am either starving, or bingeing, no  puking, just stuffing. I want to take control of my life, and I am going to. Scott and I start April 1st with a new outlook. We are both going on diets--I'm just truly going to give up junk food. We are not eating out the entire month of April. This will be hard. I am a sugaraholic and a chocoholic. If they had rehab for sour patch kids, I'd be in it.
     Yes, I am exaggerating my sugar intake. I really don't eat it daily, but when I do start, I can't stop. I literally can't eat it daily, I wouldn't have teeth. I would like to keep those, so I would suppose that it would do me a world of good to stop eating junk. I mean college has ruined me...and Scott has ruined me. ;) Lots of cookies and ice-cream, but no more, no longer will I give in! hahaha
     I gave up chocolate one day two weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure I was having legit withdraws by 6:30 p.m.. Awesome. So now, not only do I have issues with food, I have a chocolate, legit, addiction. You may not think these are problems, but they are. I didn't ingest food for two years, and I would prefer to not enter a time like that again.
     Here I am, setting another goal. I promise myself I will follow through. I will stop breaking my sugar addiction this week. That will help me succeed in April, rather than going cold turkey and breaking down. 
     On the bright side, I have been working out pretty regularly, which I love, and I am playing tennis tomorrow with the faja/coach. :) Super grand.
     Off to bed. But on the bright side,
"I said, 'It's great to be a Tennessee Vol!'" and "Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out."-Robert Collier

...

     There are some things I can't take back and do not even care that they have happened. But if I could take one thing back, it would be the last day I left tennis early.
     My brother had made a fool out of me, I was completely embarrassed, two days in a row. The second day was the issue. As a kid, I ALWAYS was mad on the tennis court, everyone called me Moody Miranda, but what they didn't know what how messed up I was inside. I wasn't crazy or anything like that, but I wanted perfection so intensely that I drove myself to pure frustration and anger. Anyways, I had stopped really getting so mad a couple years ago or maybe a year ago, but my brother still decided that it was okay to tease me about it. Blah blah blah, okay, back to my story. I had gone all day (a long time in my brother's mind) with out getting angry, so when I got back from our lunch break and headed back out to the court my brother made a lovely announcement.
     "Okay, everyone loses the bet!" He yelled it quite loudly. Wonderful. Grand. Great. Make a fool out of me Bobby, right when I had finally gained everyones respect. (I had been offered numerous full rides to D1 colleges, and this finally made the other kids at practice stop thinking of me as such a joke.) Of course, he had made this grand bet that I would get angry with in a couple hours of practice the day before--when he had also embarrassed me, causing me to leave practice early, which allowed him to place the bet without me knowing.
     I stormed off the court, and I had reason to. I was 18, I was not a child, I was about to leave for college, I was about to accomplish amazing things, but that all changed. I left, drove around for a bit, then headed home. He texted me the whole way back, saying possibly the worst things I have ever heard. Telling me I would never amount to anything, which broke my heart. He WAS my idol. Ha. Funny how things change. It's so ironic. That whole day. It was the worst day of my life.
     I was home, but I wasn't crying anymore. I was so angry that I probably could have broken everything in the house, but Mom was there. She read all the text, saw what I said, what he said. Distraught is a perfect word to describe how we both felt. My dad called. My best friend called. They wanted me back at practice. They said everyone was embarrassed about what they had done, and they damn well should've been. I regret this. So, so much. I got in my car. Took a deep breath, started my engine and drove off.
     Everything is in a white cloud, a fog. I come to my senses--what little I have--only to see a man screaming at me, calling me a bitch, telling me he's going to sue me for everything I have. I look in my mirror, there is blood all over me, my nose is crooked and swollen. I can't move. Men are all around me, ambulances, cops, state troupers, people keeping the man who would become a stalker of my family later off me. I can't find a word to describe how I feel.
     I don't remember much before of after my wreck. I remember the hospital a little. It makes me sick to think about it. The smells and sounds are the worst part. I smell my wreck, I instantly break down. I hear tires squeak, I lose my breath. I may not remember much, but I remember the slow motion tracking in my brain. I remember my car spinning, hitting object after object, but I do not remember it stopping. I don't remember knowing what had happened.
     Because of that day, I have no college tennis career, I barely play tennis anymore. I rarely talk to my brother, and I am constantly skiddish in the car. I am terrible at math, and I am not the best student anymore. Because of that day, I have regrets. I regret allowing one selfish, insecure person make me feel like an ant. I regret allowing that person decide whether I am good enough or not. I regret allowing that person access to my heart. But I mainly regret not having enough pride to stand up and say, "What ever, just shows how mature you are." Because, if I just had let it roll off my back, that day wouldn't have happened.
     I hated my life for months, but I love my life now. I live on my own (with Scott), I support myself mostly, I'm with the man I love and will love forever, and I go to the best university. I have amazing friends--very few, but that's okay. I'm not totally happy. But I am learning to be happy with a regret. It's hard to explain. It takes that experience to understand I suppose. But I will forget and move on one day. I will be happy.

Pride

     Ah, back to oatmeal, and I don't mean the kind you're thinking of--maple brown sugar, strawberries and cream, etc--I mean real, old-fashioned, no sugar added oatmeal. Healthy, healthy, healthy! (Which is much better than: hefty, hefty, hefty!)
     I have so much pride when it comes to my health, my body, my athleticism, but when it comes to school work, I just simply do not care. I have always had it easy in school, I never had to study once until my fourth semester in college--and it was for my anatomy/physiology 1 final. But, now that I am at UTK, it is different. I love the university, don't get me wrong--I think it is the best place, ever--but it is very generalized. I do not have a class over 30 or 40 people, but yet the teachers still teach the 'whole' rather than the individual. Difficult stuff. Now, the School of Art, is way different... I have never seen teachers so willing to help their students (minus one of my teachers, whom I only had for 1/2 a semester!!). Maybe it is just the general ed. courses at UTK that are, well, ironically general.
     So, here I am, left to work my ass off studying and with no direction at all. Here comes will-power. I guess this is just a way for me to take more pride in my school work. I want to, but not because I have to, because I need to. I think it's just another way to help me feel better and in turn, act better.
     The cold kinda set me back yesterday, I was super grumpy. But I am justify some of it with the nice hypoglycemic attack I had. AWESOME! But, that doesn't mean that I could be stand-off-ish to my parents.
     One thing that I am happy about it how I am rekindling friendships. I need friends, no matter what opposing things I have said previous to this. I was so cold, because I have been hurt by everyone... everyone. I am working to open my heart, again. I feel so amazing when I tell an old friend that I miss them, and you may be thinking, "she's 19, she doesn't have long-lost friends," but I do--I'm cynical, remember? I swear the grumpiness is rubbing off my our puppy, Vinny, because he used to be the happiest little guy to every dog, now he likes to show his teeth--unless it's his bff, Leland.
     I guess to wrap up, I have some goals for today: talk to someone new, call an old friend, and get my school work finished.
     :)