what

ever.

FILIZ!

STOP HAVING SUCH GORGEOUS PICTURES POSTED! You're making me miss Brescia 8(

wow, really?

I really don't understand how women can be so petty as to block me from a blog. We had a great friendship. But, you knew I was right, am right, and, sadly, you hate that I'm right so much that you'd rather cut off our friendship than apologize or simply act like it never happened, forget it and move on. Yeah, I told you so, and I will say it 1000 times if I wish, but I haven't and won't. I've said it like 5 times to two different people. Not you. I am sorry that he hurt you, but I tried to warn you. He is male. I know men better than any girl you will meet, and you know that; you hate that I know them so well that I can predict what will happen. I just can't believe you would do this. You talk trash about me, knowing I am the most loyal and honest friend you will ever have. So, what, you can talk trash because I punched you in the BICEP at 1/4 velocity the day after I got home from Italy. Well, guess what? You forgot me when I got on that plane. You hid a boy from me. You lied to me. You forgot me, because of a boy who doesn't and didn't want you. You lost your best friend because of a stupid boy. You know I have no feelings for him, that I never have. You know I don't care if you are with him. I warned you, because I care about YOU not him. I'm sorry I warned you in such a horribly mean manner, btws. I would be incredibly happy for both of you if it had worked out, because I said numerous times, "I just don't want him to hurt her like every other guy has." But, you betrayed, lied and hurt not only me, but my mom. My mom was on your side the whole time until you let him get on your Facebook and rudely message her/block her. WHEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON OR WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT. Clarification, we wouldn't have and didn't care if it was Trey in the yard. We didn't want boys whom we do not know on OUR property. Insurance reasons, obviously. And, clarification #2: WE OWN ALL THE LAND. Clarification #3, I have never and will never talk shit about you. When I say you are being a bitch to someone, guess what, it has already been said to your face. And, I never said it to anyone except A and Z. Both of which are neutral. I can't believe you'd actually believe anything T has would say! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!!!!!! Ugh. Maybe Z will clarify your brain or bring you back to the Kelly I knew before I left for Italy. I don't know where the hell you have gone, but you seem to always do this when you get wrapped up in some dumbass boy. I'm worried about you. I don't want any other dudes treating you like an object or hurting you or lying to you, but they will unless you change your ways. They will ALWAYS run over you, Kelly. I hate that. I want you to sock them in the jaw; they more than deserve it. I wish you luck, hope, happiness and well-being, but most of all I wish you find a man that you deserve, one who will bring you the happiness that only true love can bring, one that will give you a family and eternity--which I know is what you want--one that will give his life to YOU and only you, one that will not hurt you, one that will appreciate and devote his integrity to you, and on that not use or hurt or leave you.

yay!

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Cobra as of 3:33 p.m. today. :)

Btw, heheheheh--not about my cobra--I hate to say it, but I told ya so!!!!!

I have a new obsession with Tumblr.com

"We'll shove a boot in your ass; it's the American way..."

That is one of my all-time favorite songs, and it is exceptionally fitting for a day like today. Thank you Veterans for all you work, duties and service.

Anyways, on to more stupid and idiotic subjects. We had dinner at Dave's last night like we do every Sunday. Erin was obvs there. I got to hold Z, and I am so thankful that she let me do that. However, that does not give her or the rest of the foolios to start shit or start harassing me over text.

I did not ruin your life or "family" or whatever, because there never was a family there. And besides, maybe you should take a college class about what a family is. There are all different kinds and maybe you should consider yourself lucky to have such a LARGE family, whether it be conventional or not.

And, you have the be the least classy person I have ever come across. Stop bashing your child's father just because he doesn't want to be with your pathetic, fat--and not just fat due to preggo--ugly, ignorant and stupid ass.

Sigh. I know I said it was the last one a couple blogs ago, but forreal. What are these people doing or thinking? HELLO, REALITY CHECK, PLZ!

Lastly, I have a dinner-date tonight with a Austin's bestfriend's girlfriend. :) AND I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW!! Eip.

Your Karma threatens are not true, woman, because I did not do anything to get bad Karma for. Duh. ReAlItY ChEcK!

I love my life. I love myself. I love that I literally have done aboslutely nothing wrong. I love that I can lay down at night and fall asleep with no regrets or pain. Can you do the same? I doubt it. Those lies you tell are constantly haunting you whether you realize that or not. Don't threaten me, please. It's gonna come back to you, liar, not me.

<3

Everybody was Kungfoo fightingggg

This morning we wasted an hour refereeing between Ooguay and Frog. Frog has not eaten since A bought him. This morning A decided to put tuna and (wtf?) Mandarin oranges in the fish tank. While Fish peacefully ate his own kind, Frog and Ooguay fought for the champion orange! Frog tried to claw Ooguay's eyes out, but O's a turtle, c'mon. The Albino African Claw Frog is no match for his head tucking abilities... not to mention Frog is kinda small due to the lack in proper diet/tank size.

And, you are thinking what is the significance of this?

Well, once again I am relating the most peculiar set of animals to our every day lives. If you are in an equivalent sized environment, living with the same people day to day, you are bound to have some fights. Obviously Frog learned his lesson, and when we left to work out, Frog was on the opposite of the tank from Ooguay.

We can't help but to think that Fish was cheering Ooguay on as he tried to eat Frog. (Frog is a bit of an asshole and snapped at Fish.)

So, if we are constantly stuck in the same living quarters, who is the say that we will be sweet and kind every moment of the day. We won't. How could we? Especially when you mix two dominating hot-heads--such as Ooguay and Frog (or Meats and Maroo).

This week I am going to try something knew: Do not sweat the small stuff. It's something I always do. I don't sweat the big stuff though. Let's hope I can successfully do this with out any back-fires or mishaps. I think I need to learn how to treat my loved-ones with more...um... love.

<3

.......

I really want to take Ooguay and release him into the wild. His life is so boring. Fish seems to like his tank... Frog is a rahtard and won't eat. But, Ooguay was caught in the wild. He was born freeeeeee.

I guess I feel like this, because it's storming, and I'm standing in A's kitchen watching Ooguay, Fish and Frog swim in their always perfect, very boring environment. Poor little guys. Reminds me of when I was in Italy and how every day was absolutely gorgeous. Everyday was absolutely boring. I mean that in the best way possible. But, I really needed to be released from the "perfect tank" I was living in. Beauty, if constant, gets old and ugly. That doesn't mean I do not see beauty in storms, because I do. I love storms, thunder, lightening and crazy rain just as much as I love blue skies and puffy white clouds.

Now, I do not like that the power is flickering. Heeeeeh. And, I don't like that Frog may be blind and that it's hailing. But, other than that, I am happy.

<3

Dear vindictive women, family members and so-called best friends,

Who the hell do you think you are to treat me the way you are treating me? Do you even know me? No. Are you basing your knowledge of me on someone else's statements? Yes. Is that pathetic? Yes. You obviously do not have anything better to do than try to hurt me or make up bullshit about me.

So, you wanna know the truth? I'm sure you read this, creeps.

Guess what?! I am the one who has been with him every night for the last five months. I am the one who has been with him every day for the last five months. I am the one he refers to as his girlfriend, even if it's not bullshit facebook official. I am the one he is wrapping his arms around. I am the one HE pursued for a year and a half. I am the one he is talking to all day.

Guess what else?! She has been lying about a lot of stuff; open your eyes. It's my choice not to come around when she is around. But, from now on, you better believe I will be there holding my head up.

Keep calling me ugly, trash, a whore, a slut and a bitch. Just shows how little class you have. It really shows how little class you have knowing I have never even been rude to any of you. I actually have tried to be nice to all of you. I even apologized about one of my friends being mean to Erin or "Airren" as she likes, because she's so desperate to be someone she is not, to have someone she can't, won't and never has had. But, she took that apology and twisted it into little lies. For all I know, she believes what she has been spewing out of her mouth. I don't give a rat's rear-end anymore.

I have only taken the time to type this out, because I feel the need to explain my side. It will be the only time I say it, and it is the last time I will ever bring it up. Keep talking, please. Karma will get you. I used to talk to, and guess what? Karma got me in the ass. I used to use people too, and guess what? Karma got me in the ass. What goes around comes around.

So, keep posting your pathetic statuses, comments and wall-posts. Keep saying snide remarks when I am around. I'll keep being the bigger person, because I know I am not doing a damn thing wrong, and I have not done a damn thing wrong in this five months relationship.

I get what I want, bitch. I always have, and I always will. You should learn to deal with it, because you are going to suffer some greater consequences and challenges in the near future. Good luck; you're gonna need it.

And, for the family and "best friends" of Austin who run their mouths about me. Keep talkin'. I'll keep quiet, and I'll just keep sittin' and lookin' pretty while you look more trashy by the second. Oh, and call me ugly. It really, truly pushes me to better myself. Sorry that I do not have to cake on make-up like the rest of you females to feel confident and secure with who I am. I am not insecure.

Okay, I'm finished. :)

<3

Not always with bad intentions do I hurt.

Today begins a Knoxville tradition of Sundown in the City. Which, for the second time in my existence, I will be attending. Basically, it is a bunch of drunk and/or high people watching mediocre music. I'm only going because I want to see my cousin--whom I haven't seen in about six months. I have a feeling I won't last very long. Plus, it's very hard for me to not feel alone when I am in a crowd that large without my can-o-beans by my side.

Anyways, I have felt a lot of disgust and disappointment with people lately. I guess Mom just gave me better raisin' than that. While I know I am rough around the edges and a bit scary at times, I almost always mean well with my actions and words. So, while I sit her alone in this ghetto/haunted apartment listening to Adele Radio on Pandora I contemplate if anyone is ever who they seem...do they mean well by their actions that I view as horrible? Do they not mean to be dishonest, distrustful or disgusting? Do they really think it's okay?  I, to myself, always see that I am being true to the people that I am around, and I always see that my intentions are warm-hearted, but is that how the people who surround me see it?
    
For instance, Meats had set a time, or I thought so, but apparently "around 5:15" actually means nothing to guys even though I thought it meant between 5:00 and 5:30. Well, at 5:45 I had to contact him and ask him where the hell he was--not mad mind you, worried. He was still there, he had not informed me that he hadn't left, and you know what? He didn't leave until 6:45, only to arrive about 7:15! Well, my frustration turned into heart-ache, because "people who are late think their time is more valuable than yours." After many tears and fists to the air, lol, we arrived at my parents (45 minutes late). My family, Austin and I discussed the matter. He didn't mean anything by it. Now, this baffled me. I mean I was like, "STOP MAKING THAT UP!" Mom shut me up, looked at me, and asked me how many times Dad is late. I thought, and I realized he is late 99% of the time and rarely calls to explain when he will be arriving and why he's late. To men, "around 5:15" doesn't have a time-frame, and not calling to keep touch means nothing bad; their minds just don't work like that.

So, could I be doing things to others that do hurt even though I see them as something that's not a big deal? Could we all? I guess to each is own. And, just because I think being late is one of the most rude actions... ever... doesn't mean the person who is late is meaning to be inconsiderate or hurtful to me.

But, after that conversation, A has kept me up-to-date on time-frames, and he's attempting to not be late... I think.

<3

Here lately,

I've been seriously questioning my life standing. While we all know tennis is my dream; we don't know what my current life is. I suppose my real question is, "What the hell am I doing?"

Day in and Day out I waste time doing nothing. Literally, nothing. I have no friends, and you know what, I'm sick of the crap that comes along with them; therefore, I don't care too much. Oh, how I long for Sex and the City friends. Obviously it still bothers me being alone all the time, but then I think how little I'm getting hurt, talked about or used right now and it makes me feel a-okay. Anyways, I could be spending hours on the court, rather than driving around. I could be serving. I could be drop-feeding to myself. I could be hitting with H or Dad. I could be calling up everyone in Knoxville to hit, but... I'm not. I mean I don't have any excuses. I don't have a job, friends or a life. I don't have obligations or bills to worry about. All I have is myself and nine hours from noon until 9:00 P.M. So, what the hell am I doing? I COULD be doing so many things, but I am not. I am not living my life, and I'm stuck in a day-to-day rut. Heck, I'm not even cooking dinner right now, A is.

How did I get here? How did I stop loving day-long battles on the court? But, most of all, how do I get back to me? I need to start living again and stop dreaming. So, here's to today, right now. Here's to the moment. This is the first day of the rest of my life, and I'm going to own it.

It's time to get my head on straight, make my dreams a reality, and to be alive again.

<3

paternity test plz!

Well, the time is here. I am sitting in Panera, because I am on-call to take him to the hospital for the birth of his first-born-son with an illegitimate woman. Turning back the hands of time would be greatly appreciated in this moment. I feel like I am going to puke, cry, laugh, and shit my pants at the same time. I am so dizzy, and I can't see anything except for her in the hospital room and him text to her. And, while I wish it never happened, and while I wish it's someone else's I still can't help but to be happy about the miracle of life that's about to pop out of her.

And, last night, I was asked why I would ever be with a man who has a kid, and my answer was, "why wouldn't I?" A child is innocent. A child is love and life and wonder. It's not a death sentence, and I have no right to judge someone on the same incident that could have easily happened to me or my brother. I would never want a woman to ditch my brother because he had a child. Shit happens. Yeah, that's what we call life.

I still can't help but to hurt.

breaking off.

Change is the ONLY guaranteed thing in life. Change is the ONLY guaranteed action in life. So, why is change so hard sometimes?

Recently, I have lost my best friend, or who I thought was my best friend. And, I am no longer hurt or worried, but I am still confused. You can have years of friendship of someone and a couple months, people or changes can take that friendship away. Which leads me to believe that maybe it was never there. So, why am I debating doing to same thing?

I am so happy with where I am in life, besides the no-job fail. I am so happy with who I am with in life, but it's not good enough, and I guess that's because it's so hard for me to ever be satisfied. I have grown up pushing and pushing to be the best, or being pushed by someone around me. I have grown up pushing people around me, even the people who are closest to me. I, for once, am completely satisfied with someone, but it isn't good enough. Which is hard to explain when you're sitting next to someone who feels like they aren't what you want. So, to openly correct myself..

I love you, no matter how many times I have denied it; no matter how many people I have denied it        to, I love you. And, I don't mean I have love for you, because we both have the same views on this subject. I mean I am whole heartedly, 100%, completely, absolutely in love with you, and I am terrified, and yes, I am old-fashioned, and yes, I won't ever admit to it or tell you. And, you hate Taylor Swift, oh, how you hate her, but she helps me deal with how crazy inside I go for you every single time you walk by me or touch me or kiss me. If you weren't so thick-headed or blind, you could see or feel it.

I don't want the title; I want the man. I don't need the title; I need THEM to know. But, how am I supposed to explain this to someone who is as hard-headed as me, who is exactly like me. You'd think it'd be easier to explain considering it's like talking to yourself, but it's not, and it's not, because I know how hard to handle I am, how ridiculously I take statements. I just want you to know that all I want is you, and I know how you feel about me even if you rarely say it. 

You make me see that I am valuable; you make me forget about all the idiots who have hurt me. You don't even know what or how you do it; you just play it off that you're just that much of a bad ass. We both know you're not THAT much of a bad ass.

Change is scary, but change is the only guaranteed thing in my life, and maybe the changes that have recently happened are for the best.

<3

I. Am. Addicted. To. Sugar.

Eff em elle!!!

I really need some help, lol. You know you're bad when your bf says, "You need to get some sugar," as soon as you start getting grumpy.

Lacking in Updates.

So, I wrote a LONG blog in the Milan airport, but it has disappeared. I guess I got a little discouraged after that.

My best friend is now the girlfriend of my old best guy friend. Weird. And not weird, because they are together... weird, because of the things he once said to me... weird, because she lied to me or hid it from me. Best of luck. Hope I can get over this. A says I shouldn't care, and he's probably correct. There is one person like me in the world, and many people who are far from me. I guess it's like a round-about in the road, you can veer off in a random direction, or you can keep going in the same day-to-day circle.  I love change. I love craziness. I love wild. But, I do not love dishonesty. Yes, I am NOT perfect, and yes, I have lied and said stuff I shouldn't have, but in general, I treat other's how I want to be treated. I'm starting to realize that you can expect people to be a certain way, but they are still just people. They are still selfish. They are still more concerned about their well-being than the trust or well-being of others. And, in the words of my mummy, "you are lucky if you have as many true friends as fingers on one hand." Doesn't mean it's gonna happen; doesn't mean I should care either.

5.

Okay, so, all I do is color and watch Disney channel. I have a new obsession with Selena Gomez and her show, "Witches of Waverly Place." It's like watching myself on a TV, minus the wizard stuff. She said a quote to her best friend, "You're my best friend! You should know I'm up to no-good at all times," -Alex (Selena). Totally reminded me of Kelly and I, lol. "You know, Alex, you're a pretty controlling person, but I put up with it, because you're my best friend!" Another quote, it'd be Kelly yelling to me, obvs. They are also polar opposites, goody-good goof-ball and an asshole of a goofball. Even dark girl vs pale girl. hahaha I love you Kelly. I love our very odd, unusual and unlikely friendship.

That is all.
<3

7.

My last week in Italy has officially started, and let me tell you, I will miss it. The Tennessee hills are calling me home, but, I do love these girls, even if they are mean to me, lol. I think I'm going to Milan Thursday with one of my mom's best friends. This is my last Saturday in Italy, my last Saturday alone, but it's still becoming more and more bittersweet.

<3

Dear Mom,

I know I've been a shit head, well, for most of my life. I know I'm a little too wild, and that I have absolutely no set direction for my life. I know I should be in school, but I also know how much I dislike it. I know I should hug Dad more, and tell him I love him. I should say 'thank you' more often, just to let you know how must I truly appreciate you. I know I have changed a lot this past year and a half, and I know it's been hard on you. I know I probably should not have randomly moved to Italy, and I know I should call your dad more often. I know it kills you that Bobby and I rarely talk since that one day. I know you think A's a sketchy choice, because of the psycho woman that will be in his life forever more. I know you don't know how much I love you, and you probs think I am an ungrateful little shit still. But, what you don't know, is that everything you have ever said to me, good or bad, is stuck in my head. I hear you all the time, and you play a role in most my choices. I remember all the little things from when I was a kid with you. I remember how when we went to Fort Sanders, I'd always watch you in the work out classes, and you never knew it. I loved how you wore a GIANT t-shirt, especially the one with the muscly man... I think it was Aaron's, and how you were the tight leggings. I swore you were the only mom who could pull off the look. I remember at the beach, I would always be rearing to go at like, um 6 a.m., and we all know you aren't exactly a morning person, lol. I remember Christmas morning starting at 3 or 4 a.m. I remember our old love-seat, the grey one, and I never knew the purpose of it, but you and Dad seemed to like it. I remember when you got the Black 626, and you were late picking me up from school; I thought it was so cool when I saw you driving through the parking lot. I remember when you, for once, let me put make-up on you, and obviously I chose to put the most obnoxious blue eye-shadow ALL over your eyes. I remember when we had "the talk", and I remember thinking you're a total idiot for not realizing that being around Sanner, Tyler and Bobby had already taught me everything... including how to break someone's arm, leg and, um, neck. I remember the OLD back-deck, and when you played Bobby and me, or tried to play us, in some tennis on the court behind the house; I also remember wondering why you were so awkward when you moved, lol! Clearly, I was a shit since I popped out. I remember the times I made you cry, and I remember the last time you tried to physically control me; I laughed... You did not, lol... I was 17, and I had a few inches and a couple dozen pounds on ya. I remember faking being sick, constantly, and I know you had to know, but you never seemed to care. I remember those really awful love books you used to read, and when I was like 7, I decided to read one, because I wanted to show you how smart I was.... you just got pissed, lol. I remember the 4-H dress that "I" made, aka, you made, and I remember how pissed you got when I wanted to give it to someone and not wear it, but mom, that dress woulda cramped my style. I remember the day I got my license, and I was beyond pissed, because you wouldn't me drive to practice from Strawberry Plains... even though YOU WERE IN THE CAR! I remember how you let me drive to Fox Den in the mini-van... when I was 15... alone... a lot, lol. Yeah, I drove with the music up reallllllllll loud, and all the windows down, and punched the gas too hard. I remember the look on your face when I realized where I was at the hospital, and I remember hating you for making me get a shot, because I still kept puking. I know how much I wanted to kill him, when he hurt you, and I know I will never see him the same. I know how much I wanted to kill her, and I still do... don't worry, I throw the heavier medicine ball extra-hard to her... even made her break a nail once. I know, no matter how much we fight, you are still my moose, and always will be. I love that I have your wild spirit, and Mamaw's old-fashioned soul. I love the values you have taught me, and that I am am a (sometimes) Southern Lady, because of you. I know I'm here and you're there, but I'll be home soon, and I cannot wait to demolish some calamari, and make you come to the track with meaty-meatwad and me.

I love you, Mom. I just don't know how to tell you or show you just how much I do.
<3

Favorites.

I just had an urge to list my favorite things and least favorite things in life. This is going to be difficult, and it is in NO order.

Favorites

My dog. Tennis. Arts.

Anything my Nanny cooks.

Unbelievably huge, redneck trucks.

Driving insanely fast, drifting and doing doughnuts.

Cooking. Kiddos. Teaching tennis.

Knoxville, TN. NYC<3. Destin, FL.

The University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

MoTown music. Laughing at myself. Being goofy.

Kelly Myers. AWC. My cousin, Alexis.

Tiramisu. Ice-cream. Skim milk. Mmmm.

Connolis from the pizza place next to the dollar movie theater.

Hiking. Kayaking. Biking.

Sitting in an open field checkin' out the stars.

My baby, Nikon D70s.

Coloring. Clementines. Crunchy foods.

Led Zeppelin, Nickel Creek and RHCP.

Brad Paisley, Taylor Swift and John Mayer.

Cowboy boots. Stiletto pumps in da club. 

Dancing<3. Nike Shox. Tiny dresses.

Grocery Shopping.

Singing my heart out in the shower.
Spooning. Naps outdoors. Outside. Um, everything outside.

The amazing hugs a man's arms can give you, or your mom's arms.

Ironic moments. Being a goldfish. Loving, a lot.

Fishing. Swimming. Salt water. Piers.
Pinky Promises.

Remembering everything I'm told, do, see or visit in my life.

A real date. Laser Quest. Fashion. Movies.

Sprinting. Training. Working my ass off.

Sweating through shirts. Bikinis. No clothing.

Hand-washing cars. Sprinklers and water-hose fights.

Baths, long, extra bubbly baths.

Spandex... everything. Big storms. Hot air, cool breeze.
Late Spring. Summer. Fall.
I will admit it, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montanna. Ok, I <3 kids' shows.
Hello Kitty! Italian Fashion. Mexican Food.
Tyra Banks. Shakira. Pete Sampras. Roger Federer.

Honesty. Trust. Late night conversations.

Open minds. Willingness. Breath-taking moments.

Kisses that make me weak. Pearls. Sand-dollars.

Shopping for underwear. The internet. Making cute things!

Being strong. Being tough. Being smart.

Reading book that captivates your mind.

Horses. Horses. Horses.

Elephants. White Tigers. Elephants.

Dobermans. Farms. Sun Rises.

Not-so-Favorites

Curry. Licorice. Mustard.

Heartbreak. Lies. Fake.

Pretentious. Petty. Vindictive.

Okay, most females.

The internet. My phone. Virtual lives.

Facebook.

Nascar. Cat pee. Cats.

Dirty homes. Cluttered homes. Fast food.

Barbie. Photoshop. Any bug with a ton of legs.

Spiders. Reptiles/Amphibians whose tails can fall off. 

Jellyfish in my bikini bottoms. Heavy gusts of wind.
The University of Kentucky. Kentucky. Yeah, anything in Kentucky.

Light gray skies. Sprinkling rain. Winter with no snow.
Ants on my picnic blanket. American History classes. 

Flats. Flip-flops. Frontin'. Referees.

Unhappiness.

I think I'm pretty blessed.

A lifetime of dreams creeping back into my soul.

Everyday I change my mind, but two things stay constant: my love for tennis and my love for photography.  Why can't I have both? There is not a moment where I do not wish I brought my treasured D70s to Italy. There is not a moment where I am not taking pictures with my eyes. I store it all, take it all in, but I need to have my camera in my hand again.

I drew something, little ridiculous though, for the first time in months, and I felt SO relieved to see that I can still do it. I don't know what I was thinking letting art slip from my life. Sometimes, I want to know why I even feel like I can't have both. For some reason, I feel like I need to give up art to get tennis, or I need to give up tennis to get art, but shouldn't the two passions of mine go hand-in-hand? I'm going to push both when I get home. I'm going to find people, places, things to photograph, and I'm going to take time most everyday to pick up a racket and trust my instincts.

There is something I should stop doing though--looking at wedding photos. Growing up, I dreamed of a big wedding. I mean I know what time of year, what colors, what kind of dress, what kind of cake(s), I know the time of day I want it, I know who I want to cook my food and make my cake, I know who I want to photograph it, I know I want a band for a few songs then a crazy DJ, I know the Tennessee VOLS will play a huge role in the date of my wedding, I know I want the guys in khakis, not tuxes, and I know where I want the wedding. But, after Scott, I stopped wanting a wedding at all; I decided I wanted to elope--if even get married. I guess I had an issue with knowing every detail of what I wanted, except the main piece of the puzzle--I didn't know what man I wanted. Scott and I used to sit and watch bride shows over and over and over again... wedding show after wedding show. We looked at rings and dresses. He knows everything I want, and no one else does. It's like after him, after our relationship ended, I couldn't share the details with anyone else, and I didn't want to, not even to my friends. It seemed/still sometimes seems like a fallacy, unreal, untouchable; it seems like it's behind glass casing and I lost the key to open the little door. I'm scared. It was so secure with him, too secure for the person I am now, but I was a different person with Scott. I was OK with marrying him. I was OK with never being with anyone else--even though I wanted to alter who he truly was--until I changed, I matured, I grew tired and he... didn't. I know I'm only 20, but every other woman in my family has gotten married young, had kids young, but I'm not there, and I don't know if I can be there, again. My mom asks me about the guy I'm with now, she asks if I love him, and I can't answer her and tell her I won't answer, because I'm finally having fun; I'm finally happy with someone; most of all, I finally don't feel the need to alter someone. After M destroyed my heart, after I fell for him too fast, I knew I didn't want to feel like that again--like I was on a dead end path.

I felt like Scott and I could end, no problem--that doesn't mean I didn't think I would marry him; he was my first love, y'all. I felt like M and I could end, no problem. But, Mom, for the first time in my life, I don't think it's going to end; I haven't had that thought run through my wild mind once.

So, I sit here thinking of the things I need to do, want to do, and the things I should stop looking at... I realize the scariest part of all... I just may be secure enough with someone to be beyond content, happy. And, just as scary, I may just be ready to let it happen.

conversations #2

"alright goodnight ponceinboots"-me
"wait what?"-austin
"?"-me
"ponceinboots whats that?"- austin
"ponce-in-boots... puss-in-boots? DUH"- me
"i thought it was pussimboots"- austin
"hahahah no its a cat. in boots. literally in boots." - me
"i know he wears boots. but i thought for some reason his name was pussumboots" - austin
"hhahahahahah" -me

Second chances and sacrifices.

If you are close to me, you know that my dreams of tennis went out the door on August 13, 2009. Well, I thought they did.

I couldn't handle it, mentally, for months--9. I would get angry on the court, break-down and walk away. Then, this past Summer, I picked up a racket with no anger. It was the first time, in a long time, that I could be happy on a court again. I could hit the ball again. I could serve. I could NOT move, lol, but I could hit. That probably was a big factor in my change this past year. I could finally enjoy tennis, again. And, honestly, I had never enjoyed tennis so much in my life. Even after a horrible appearance in a Southern tourny--somehow I won two matches--and so much anxiety that I puked before every match, I still wanted to play or at least give it a go. But, my parents said you need to finish school, and my dad didn't want to fund it or spend more than an hour a day on the court.

Today, after watching tennis every night for 2 months and not being able to forget about the last time I really worked my ass off on the court, I asked Dad for a second chance. Well, the second chance doesn't come with 5 hours on the court a day or me not going to school--which is my ideal. The second chance comes with a sacrifice from me, I will go to school part time and not expect 5 hours a day. And, for the first time in my life, I am finally willing to sacrifice MY time for the sport, not just my dad's. My head is finally in the right place, and I don't care about my "time", because I want my time to be spent on that court. I want it. Finally, I am willing to do it. As for my dad, I am giving him a second chance, and his sacrifice is to try not to yell and spend more time on the court with me, but most of all, to take me more serious than he has ever taken someone and to let me show him what I can do.

Second chances do exist, but sometimes to get that chance you have to sacrifice something you want, and I am so glad I did.

<3

6 months.

It has been 6 months since I wrote my blog post, "Just Ask Me". I've gone through considerable changes since that post, and sometimes I wonder where I am going and what changes are upcoming.

I'm still that girl who loves too openly, but something has changed about that love. I love, but I do not trust nearly as much. I still forgive, but it cannot seem to forget. I still reach out to people who hate me, and I do not regret any moment of it. I am happy, unlike before, and I mean happy to my core. I am truly a happy person, now. But, with my happiness has come a guard on my heart, and maybe it has come with good reason. I am happy within myself, and I sometimes don't know if I ever want to be able to have that happiness taken away again. Yet, I put myself out there, and I met someone new (who woulda guessed that one HAHA). Someone like me. Someone who can get whatever he wants when he wants it, like me. Someone who has been hurt and broken WAY TOO MANY hearts, like me. Someone who doesn't care what people think, but most of all, I have met someone who accepts me for who I am--up or down, nice or mean. My only question is if I am willing to give it all again, and if I am willing to get hurt, because whether they mean it or not, they will always hurt us.

I'm still the girl who dreams of playing professional tennis, and all I think about is getting in shape, again. I'm still the girl who only has a couple friends, and who will cut someone off in a heartbeat. But, the love I have for my friends now is different. I love them with all my heart, but they do not make me or break me. I can finally rely on myself for happiness, again--like I could as a kid. Now, this does not mean I don't need people or my friends or family or boyfriend, because through all my self-sufficientness, I still have joy in my heart and soul when my loved-ones come around. I just do not rely on them for my warm-heartedness anymore, but through that, they bring me more joy than ever.

I'm still the girl who doesn't fix her hair and plays Xbox360 a little too much, and I still do not have fear for myself. I still can't feel pain, and I am still searching for a weakness. Most people don't find self-security until they are in their 30s, but I know my car-wreck (which I am now thankful for) really changed my perspective on life and that day, August 13, 2009, made me the strong person I am today. I'm secure, I'm strong, I'm self-sufficient and, most importantly, I am happy.

I'm still a gypsy soul, and I have no clue what I am doing with my life. I'm living one of my dreams, right now, and finding out that sometimes those dreams aren't how we imagined them. And, I am finally seeing that the grass isn't greener on the other side (or across the pond), and where ever I am standing is always going to be beautiful to me.

I'm more of an adrenaline junkie than ever, and I appreciate Knoxville, TN more than anywhere in the world. I realize how much I love my mom and how much she is willing to do for me. And, I finally know how much she loves me. I see that I took for granted the years of tennis I had, and I see where I could have made significant changes, but the difference is now, I do not regret it, because I am where I am in my life, because of those choices.

I still think elephants are the most incredible animals, and I finally got the tattoo on my side that I have been wanting. I'm finally trying to live my life how a Buddhist would--within reason, y'all. I'm able to bite my tongue for once in my life...okay, I can bite it to a certain point before I give the world a piece of my mind, and I'm still the girl who is a lover, but who will fight until the end. I still see my friends as family, and I want to break anyone who hurts them--sorry Buddha. The difference is, now, I let things roll. I see that some people just can't help their ignorance, and some people are too stupid to change their ignorance into  knowledge.

I am still the girl who hates sitting in a desk and being told what to learn, but I have decided to go back to school.

I learned that the best things can be right in front of our noses for over a year, and it may have taken that long for us to notice for a reason.  I learned that sometimes you sacrifice your pride to see others smile.

I still think a child's joy is the most blissful and beautiful thing on this Earth. I'm still the dreamer and think I can do anything.

I turn to music now and writing my blog to relieve my angst. I am working on not taking out my emotions on others, still, and it will take me a long time to finally work through my horrible life-long ways. But, I am getting there. Step by step, day by day. I am getting a little closer to being exactly who I strive to be, and I now see that even if I do not get "there," I will always, always be happy. "I'm Alive," by Kenny Chesney has helped put a perspective on the last few years of my life. I'm alive and well, and there is nothing that can bring me down anymore.

It's February 25, 2011. I have two weeks left in Italy. I cannot wait to get home. And, best of all, I'm still happy.

2 Weeks & 1 Day.

When I arrive home and don't have to rely on Skype as a means for communication I will be one happy camper. I won't turn on my laptop for a while--I can guarantee that. I definitely won't have my phone or even iPod near me, except for music purposes, and I will have Pandora--on Austin's phone--blaring 'MoTown Radio'. I will eat really nasty, greasy, absolutely delicious American food, and I will lift too heavy of weights. I am perfectly, completely happy to be coming home. I cannot wait to see my loves and my Nanny.

<3

Permanent Ink.

I got a tattoo today, and I am in love. It looks better in person--when my arm is not stretched up. <3

Too bad it won't rotate. The Eye of Horus (right): wisdom power and health.
The Ankh: is the key to life and death, sun over the horizon, men/women.and the crescent moon/star: joy, life, potency, fertility, birth, and rebirth. 

This dude was so awesome. It's a 3 month wait to get a tattoo by him... I some how got lucky, because 1 dude cancelled his appointment!

I also got my belly-button pierced. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. The tattoo, well, I honestly enjoyed getting it. Screw ever redoing my belly if it heals up or something. <3 it though!

No roaming in Rome for meee.

So, I was going to go to Rome on Monday, but that is not happening. Mild freak-outs from family and friends. Apparently, I must wait until I come back with someone, and then I can explore.

Here's something entertaining:
I'm apparently a "no-good, white-trash hoe" and "he couldn't handle anything more". Lol. Because, I'm the one knocked up with an illegitimate baby--the one only you and your mom want. Yep. But, no, I will not point fingers anymore. I will laugh, sweetie, because where were you the 6 weeks before I left when it was me and him every night at his apartment--when we were just friends mind you. So, maybe something is fishy, and maybe I haven't gotten the whole truth, but ya know.... the truth can only get twisted so much. And the fact is, you've been gone to us and now you ARE gone and I'm not. So, shut your trap, and learn how to fix your make up, please.

Finally, she went so off the deep-end and called me "white-trash" that even I have to laugh at the situation now.

Here's to new beginnings, and to not worrying about the cloud of bullshit. I know who I am, and I don't care if anyone else does. I know what I am, and that really is all that matters. No more pettiness. No more stressing over crap that is all fantasized in one pathetic person's mind. Nope. You do you. Imma keep doin' me.

<3

Actions, baby, not words.

This morning I woke up to this,

"ve vin 10-4. and dee meats score wan for da ruuubes lol"

Now, to translate:

"We won 10-4, and I (meathead) scored one for the Rubes (me), lol."

It's always nice waking up to idiotic things such as that. Now, the next one was actually sweet from him, mild miracle. Still, when I get home, I think there is a big pile of bullshit that needs to be sniffed out, and we all know I am the one to do it. I won't let any lie get in the way, and if I have to read one more facebook update about how I "ruined" their happy family I will go bonkers.

One of my friend's blogs this morning really hit me hard. It was about death, and yeah, the basis was her dog's death last Valentine's Day, but she said on thing that hit me hard....

"Death isn't fair, ever. No matter how much notice you have, it still just sucks when you drive home with one less member of the family present."


And, it's so true. I do not fear death, but to think of someone so close to me just not being there, suddenly, is horrible and terrifying and down-right sad. So, I am setting a goal for myself. Love the people around me like it is their last day to be loved on Earth. I feel like, sometimes, all of us just take the loved one next to us for granted and forget that they can leave us instantly. I sure know I should hug my dad--because I never do--tell Mom how much I love her, appreciate the amazing Nanny I have, see my cousins more often, or tell my best friend how much she truly means to me, because I don't think she knows. And, maybe, I should stop being so thick-headed and realize maybe they mean it when they say they love me, too. Just like anyone, I feel under-appreciated all the time, and I feel like no one understands how much I put in. The fact is, I put my heart and soul into the people I love; sometimes, I just don't show it. I don't like showing how much I care or how much someone means to me. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. I think it's time for me to show just how much I care about, love and truly appreciate the people around me. I just have to figure it out now. Because, anyone can say "I love you", but not many people can show just how much they do love you. It's all about actions for me, and ironically, I do not think my actions apply to my words. So, starting today, even if I am 5000 miles away, I will work to better show the people around me how much they mean to me. Idk how the heck I'm gonna do this via Skype and Facebook, but maybe I can. Hell, it won't hurt to try.

<3

For something more meaningful....

I am looking to the future.

Thank goodness I am a goldfish and can look back on the last few days and laugh. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know no matter what positive outcomes will happen for me. Thank goodness for the changes I have made.

I went to Venice... by myself. I really do not understand how I found the train station in Brescia, got a ticket, got on the CORRECT train, walk successfully all around Venice, ordered food, found the train station again in Venice and somehow got back on the correct train to Brescia.

 It felt like I was the only person without a map; I was laughing at everyone who did have one. I honestly was going down every little back/side street I could (along with the main ones of course). There are SO many street vendors, and every one of them sell the same thing. It's kinda like those "wave" stores at the beach, just smaller.... 

Okay, upper left: WELCOME TO VENICE! Mid-left... some vegetables for sale? Lower-left... all the lovers, it was Valentine's Day. And my favorite picture out of the 150 I have is on the right-hand side... some random dude posing for my picture <3 hahah. Overall, Venice was beautiful. But, it was also the same as every other part of North Italy. Now, I bet in the summer-time it is INCREDIBLE. And, if you think I'm being ridiculous, please, take a Winter trip to N. Italy. It's neither cold nor warm. There is very little rain, and it's constantly sunny--but the sun isnt warm. It's so odd here! Not saying I don't love it here, because I totally do. I just like a bit more variation. Oh! Wish you could see the color of the water in Venice; it is the most peculiar color blue I have ever seen.

It's raining today in Brescia for the first time since I've been here. Hopefully it is washing everything away. Hypothetically and realistically.

<3

Welcome to the fun house, bitchez.

Well, my attempt to level the playing field just resulted in an uproar.

Too bad bitches don't know who they are dealing with.

No more nice Miranda. No more quiet Miranda. Bitches get what they deserve, and bitches get stitches. Knoxville better watch out for me and my friends when I arrive home.

All Hell has broken loose, and the best part is, I never had to open my mouth to my friends to explain the situation. All I had to say is that women are tryin' to rock me.

I love my friends and family :)

25!

Growing up sometimes means reaching out.

I reached out. I just hope it was the right thing to do. I'm sick of being petty; I'm sick of high-school drama. It's time to make it right, and it's time to do what's best for all of us in this odd situation. I just hope she takes my words to heart like I meant them. I truly meant what I said, but thanks to the rest of my gender being fake, because she may not believe me. Awesome.

Sometimes it honestly takes putting yourself on a ledge and asking the person who wants to kill you not to push you off, to give you a chance. Sometimes you just have to feed yourself to the sharks, and sometimes it works out how you want.

Please give me strength to hold my head up and know what I did was right. Please give her the means to understand that I want what's best for her and the baby.

I literally sacrificed my pride for someone I don't even know. Too bad she cannot possibly understand how hard that is for me to do.

Growing up sometimes means reaching out, but it seems I'm becoming more selfless, too.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Deep breath, child, you're almost home."

I keep telling myself that 27 days is not long, and 27 days until this stress, heartache, stomachache, headache and weight-ache (lol) are gone. Someone, please explain to me how I can not eat, vomit when I do eat and still gain weight? I really appreciate my body sometimes. If you couldn't tell... I've been really sick. I'm taking advil nonstop for this two-week-headache; I think the advil is contributing to my ulcers. My insulin levels are so high that I am worried my pancreas is going to shut down--no joke, I'm that sick. It also is annoying when they try to tell me everyone in America has this problem. No, I am not diabetic, I am hypoglycemic. Although, thanks to Italians only eating sugary foods, my precursor to diabetes may finally be full on diabetes, or at least the worst I've been with side-effects of hypoglycemia, ever. That and the stress explain my swelling, weight gain and headaches. The ulcer comes from all the dairy, stress and advil. Something's gotta give.

The good news is 27 = 9 x 3. Heeeyyyy!

Have I mentioned that I, mynamesmirandaandieateverythinginsight, haven't been eating? I get nauseated from freaking water, cool. Totally normal, ya know. Okay, I'm done complaining.

Let me say that I have learned a very valuable lesson, never do something you have extreme second thoughts about. Blah, blah, blah. I got to come to Italy, live with an amazing family, and see the country like a true Italian, but I've been miserable the entire time. I am feeling guilt for a reason, ya know? Something isn't right. Now, do NOT in anyway think I am not thankful for what I have been given. I am so very thankful, and I realize how lucky I am. I am also so happy that my friend is coming to take my place here. She is going to love it; just like I am going to love being home. I'm sad we didn't get to meet up.

I have also learned other lessons this last 2-3 months.
1) The grass is NOT greener on the other side; in fact, the grass is perfectly fine where ever I stand.
2) Sometimes the best things are hidden under the dirt, dust and grime of everyday life.
3) Never burn bridges, never ever, ever burn a damn bridge.
4) Sometimes, you get what you need, but what you need can be exactly what you want.
5) Open mind, open heart.
6) (lol) Don't move to Italy, quit your job, quit school, lose your apartment, and lose your chance to get the freaking dog you've been waiting to get for months!!! Yeah, I can't get my doberman until next year. I may have a mini-breakdown over it, too. I have been dreaming of it. Ugh, can I please just get it, Mom? I'll keep and Vinny with me. I live out of my car any ways. Ughhhh, pleaseeee. I want her so bad :(

Anyways, I have also learned to fully appreciate having someone who cares about you constantly near. Snuggling my wall-boyfriend isn't exactly something I'm loving, and I sure as hell am not loving being so cold, but I just will truly and 100% appreciate what I have. I appreciate having a best friend there anytime I NEED her, and I love having my dad 10 minutes away from me at all time. I love shopping with my mom everyday even if I means hearing her falsely accuse Dad of spending all the money, lol. I love my Nanny being a phone call or text away, and I love knowing that no matter what, I can always drive that short distance to her house. I appreciate having people ask me to hang out for 6 months (really and year and a half HAAA) before I actually say, "god, fine, but just once. asshole." And, I really appreciate having someone willing to wait on me until I come home. I really have an amazing life to return to. The only thing I wish for is to play tennis, train for tennis I mean. I would love to get back into it, and I looks like I'm teaching when I get home, I'm going to have to crack down and set up lessons out the ass to make enough money.

Here we go. 27 days. I can do it.

Head up <3

Conversations.

"lol get over here"- Austin
"I wish I was a bird of another feather so I could fly homeeeeeeeeee"- Me
"You'd be a Dodo and they can't fly lol"- Austin
"they are extinct....."- Me
"nope. almost though. there are still a few. pple dont know about it though haha"- Austin
"you're a fucking retard."- Me

Typical.

I could probably write a book of our conversations.

"I just ate so much that I'm sick."- Me
"I just took a dump."- Austin
"This may shock you......But.... I'm a girl. And, I don't like to know about your dumps."- Me
"wat? thought we were sharing our feelings for each other hahaha"- Austin
"?!?!?!?!?! what???? that doesnt even belong in this conversation!"- Me

23. 32.

I'm coming up on my fifth week of being here. It  has gone by relatively fast considering how unhappy I am. I may have wrinkles from this experience. No joke.

I'm coming up--a freaking gnat just flew in my nose, cool--on the half way way mark, the Ihavebeenhereforfourweeksandonlyhavefourleft mark. Please fly by. Please. I'm so stressed. I can't stand the thought of my life being lived without me any longer. I really don't know how I can last 32 more days. My face is wrecked, and so is my body.

The cool news is, I'm living in a house where they found the oldest artifacts ever to be found in Brescia. They were digging their underground pool, and discovered stuff from like 4500 BCE or something crazy.... Here are some pictures from 4500 BCE to 1600 BCE...

Above Left (2) is from 1600 BCE I believe. The lower is on the outside of their home. At the bottom is from 2500 BCE and is where a home used to be. It's just chillin' in their basement. Okay and possibly the most bad ass thing is that it is legal for them to keep all of it, unlike USA, because it is so common. She said most people find stuff in their homes, obviously not like in theirs, but small Roman artifacts and what-not. And, the picture in the lower right hand corner, the pot, is one of the most incredible things I have ever touched. It is not legal, I don't know where she got it, I don't know how she has it, it's just chillin' in the living room, AND. . . it's from 4500 BCE. Shit my pants when I saw it. I mean I have been eyeing it and thinkin', ya know... that isn't the most typical item a house usually has..... lol. I could also tell from all the art history classes that it wasn't exactly... modern. But, 4500 BCE. C'mon people! Can you even comprehend that?

I'll be taking a lot of deep breaths these next few weeks.

Wish me luck.

<3

Dear Knoxville,

I promise I won't ever hate on you again. I love you.

That is all.

Heartbeat.

Today, I thought about Summer in Knoxville--which is obviously the best city in the Summer. My heart started racing. Summer in Knoxville is the ultimate Summer-experience. We spend our days on the lake, and in the evening we eat dinner on our porches. We spend our nights running around the city, only to come back to the outskirts of Knoxville and watch the stars burning bright. There's nothing like being so far out in the woods that you can't hear a sound except the crickets chirping. The moon is our light, and you only use a damn flashlight if you're a chicken shit. Skinny dipping in country club pools at 1 am, or even the disgusting lakes we love--which will probs give us cancer or some STD or something gross, lol. But, do we care? Uh, no. Cade's Cove is one of the highlights of my Summer, because every year I drive through the mountains with the windows down in the early morning just to hike or trail-run some of the most over-used paths in the Smoky's. Mom and Dad pick the strawberries THEY grew in THEIR garden. One thing's for certain, you will never see me in a pair of jeans in the summer or pants in anyway way, shape or form for that... you may never see me with real clothing on unless I'm working. You may still catch me running through the sprinkler or spraying people (and myself) with a water-hose like a 6 year old, and you can guarantee that you'll find me with my Nanny on her screened-in porch. The 7 AM runs with my dog equal love. The Fox Den 4th of July firework show is a given, and so is laying in the courtyard on campus. Yeah, we go to the beach, and love it... good lord do we love it, but we always come back. And, as the deep Summer green sets in, and the grapes on my family's grapevines ripen we know Summer is coming to an end, but we don't fret... simply because that means it's FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE! There's just something about Knoxville and the Summertime that will never be matched. Summer sun, mmmmm.

<3

Double ear infection. Cool.

Finally! I am in my 30s. 30s as in the number of days until I will be home. Too bad I have a double ear infection that hurts so bad I could hit something. But, then again, when do I not feel like hitting something?

I've never been so sick in my life. I don't mean my ears, either. I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and sent it back to Knoxville. I feel cold, tired and pained. It probably doesn't help that I haven't heard Austin's voice in over 2 weeks. I haven't seen Nanny since November. Mostly, I haven't had a hug from someone that I love. Crazily, two weeks is the longest I've gone with out kissing someone since my first kiss. Cheesey? But, good lord two months?! Clearly, I'm going to break down on my way home, when he picks me up at the airport on March 12th, and when I first see Kelly, Mom and Dad on Sunday the 13th of March. I almost thought it was February... then realized it is actually still March and I started crying.

I have Q93 streaming live at the moment. Love Like Crazy is on. I don't think I've ever felt secure with someone before until now. I sent him a goofy present in the mail, and come Monday, February 7th he'll realize why I am so awesome. :) Surprise, hand-made surprise brought to his front door. Gah, I'm awesome.

We went to Milan on Saturday, and whoa. I live in the richest town in Tennessee, but these people are rich like you cannot imagine. It's like we have more money when we're rich, but EVERYONE here is loaded, so it's like a movie. I've never seen anything like it, but then again Brescia and Milan are the richest cities in Italy. To the right is a picture of the most famous cathedral in Milan or Italy or something. While walking past it, this statue... well, what I thought was a statue reached out and grabbed my hair and started whispering God knows what in my ear. Of course, being the classy lady that I am, I yelled, "MOTHER FUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" The girl I was walking with, well woman--she's in her 20s--was cracking up. Thank goodness the little girls were in front of us and didn't hear me. Austin said that he was surprised I didn't hit him... which I would have if I wasn't with the family.
Okay, moving on. To the left is one area of shopping. Totally bad ass, not gonna lie. There is this place where you put your foot in a hole and spin for good luck and what-not. Anyways, Milan is gorgeous and fabulous, but besides the architecture, it doesn't hold a candle to NYC. Yeah, yeah they have designers out the ass and beautiful people everywhere, but do they have culture besides their own? No. They don't. And, that's probably my least favorite thing about Italy--everyone is the same. There is no variation.  It's beautiful, gorgeous even, it's unreal and it's money like crazy loaded with money, but where is the melting pot? Guess America truly is a melting pot unlike anywhere else.


Yesterday was horrible. By far the worst day so far. I cried from 7 PM until 5 AM--which is when I finally fell asleep. The girls were not the best, especially one. I mean total hell from the one. Hell on wheels. I'm so stressed that my hair is falling out. That's attractive.


I just keep telling myself to imagine how wonderful Tennessee is going to be when I arrive home. It will be mid-March. Which means only 17 days until my second favorite month of the Summer/Spring time of the year, April. There will be flowers, sunshine, Spring rain showers and starry nights. Top down on the convertible, my hair going crazy and my skin warm from the sun. I get to wear my sperries with a miniskirt, tank-top and unbuttoned, thin long-sleeved... well, buttondown--my favorite outfit besides a bikini. Ah! Thank you Q93 for putting on a great Spring song on, Kenny Chesney's "Never Wanted Nothin' More". I cannot wait to sleep outside, hike or run with the sun beating down on my face. I can't wait to go to the beach, it's been too long. I have 3 shopping fetishes: undies, shoes and bikinis. Hell yes, I will be wearing as little clothing as possible. Love it. I'm so lame. I love hand washing cars, and I'm honestly excited to do so when I arrive home. There are so many things I took for granted... such as hot chocolate--little off subject, but their hot chocolate is literally melted chocolate. I mean you actually just drink a chocolate bar. How am I managing to lose weight again? Okay, back to March 12th. I love you March 12th. You may be my favorite day this year. I just got chills thinking about having arms around me again. 8) Hopefully, these thoughts will warm my soul enough to keep me holdin' on for the next 39 days.

I'm ready to be home and get the pressure off my chest. Soon enough. I need to to pass by quickly. It has to.


I'll see you soon, March.

<3

#2 for January 28th, lol

So, I have spent a lot of the morning reading back on my old blogs--my blogs from before I found my happiness. I have changed so much since my car wreck, since my relationship with Scott and since Malcolm broke my heart. I have changed for the best, too. I realized that I need to live while I'm here, because most everything will be there when I arrive home in 6 weeks.


I am so happy within myself. I couldn't ask for a better life, better friends or better family. The people I have in my life are finally people who accept me 100% for who I am. They do not try to change me, and in turn I do not feel pressured to be someone I am not. This is my life, and I can finally be who I am all the time, no worries and no pressure. That is happiness. That is love. And, when the cards are down, I have the people who love me by my side.


So, I am here again, having to open my eyes at what stands right before me. And, I am realizing that I have to accept some bad with the good. After all, not every day is going to be a good day, but I can make the best of it with what I have. That's okay with me, because I truly am happy.


Here's to a new beginning in Italy. I have 41 days left. I will do my best to enjoy some aspect of every one of those days. And, possibly the best part is that when I arrive home, Spring will have sprung, and I will see those beautiful Tennessee hills covered with life again. <3


"Cause I love the gap between your teeth, and I love the riddles that you speak. And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored, 'cause my heart is yours. So, don't you worry your pretty little mind, people through rocks at things that shine, and love makes life look hard."

6 weeks and 4 kilos.

Today makes is 41 days, 1 day less than 6 weeks. Yesterday marked 6 weeks and 4 kilos. I have lost 3 kilos so far, and it has only been two weeks. Hopefully, I will make it down to about 63 or 64 kilos. That is my goal.

As for the next few weeks here... I don't know how to deal. I have cried nonstop every night, and I haven't slept. I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt on my shoulders, too. 1) This opportunity is incredible, and yet, I still feel such a need to return home. 2) I left home after that stupid dream thing knowing I shouldn't have. 3) There is guilt about not seeing my Nanny. I promised myself I will be at her house at least 2 times a week this Summer. I guess I just have to make the best of my time here. I can't change when I leave, and I cannot get home sooner--as much as I hate that. I made a commitment, and I must stick with the consequences.

You know it's bad when even exercising does not make me feel one bit better. I am aching with pain all the time, and my back has started hurting again. That's how much pain I am feeling and how bad I want to go home.

More guilt set in when I realized that I missed my other best friend's first child be born. I am SO upset. I was the first person to know that she was pregnant--even before her husband, and I wasn't there. I missed Riley being born, and I am going to miss the first couple months of his life. I cannot wait to get back and hold him! He's so beautiful, and we all know how ugly babies usually are at birth... this little shit wasn't ugly at all! <3

I go to Milan tomorrow... I am kinda excited about that. Too bad I refuse to spend money, because I must come back with at least 1700 euros. I'm really crazy.

Forty-one days left to see some of Europe. Forty-one days left to feel guilt. Forty nights left to be alone. Still, I have a glimpse of hope. Like Mom said, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

<3

I have never felt such an intense pull on my heart.

I don't know how I can last 6 more weeks.

March 12.

     I will arrive home March 12, 2011. I will not be ashamed. I will be happy. I will see my Nanny, mom, dad, boyfriend, BESTFRIEND, baby boy (Vinny lol), Tootsie, home, courts, streets and town... and, even if it is all known and old to me, I will love every second of it.

     Today, I walked to the cities edge, to a deserted part of town, to the bottom of a mountain, and back to the center of Brescia; I saw the Alps from the Earth's ground, and I stumbled upon ancient ruins while trying to discover the post office. Italy truly is amazing. You can't put it into words; you can't take a picture of it. But, you can see it for yourself and know what I am talking about. You can walk solid for 3 hours and keep finding things to get into; the sights are always changing.
     My favorite part about Brescia is that I cannot speak Italian in anyway, but I sure as hell can get what ever I want to eat! You can pick anything on the menu, and it will be delicious. In fact, I picked something random and it happened to be pesto sauce--I HATE PESTO--and oh.em.gee, so delicious. Their meats are consumed raw; consuming raw meat never sounds or feels safe, but it is drool worthy--divine, perfect, mesmerizing. Don't even get me started on my croissants that I get every morning or fresh orange juice. How about their preserves and jams... sorry, Nanny, but I have never had it like this. And, the craziest part is that there is very little butter or sugar. How?! Why?! And, where can I learn to cook like this? My Italian mom is such a great cook. She gets it, fosho. Strangely, I tried to make big, fluffy pancakes this morning--keep in mind that I make wonderful pancakes--but they turned out like crepes? Thick batter and it still made crepes? I'm defs in Europe...I maaaaayyyy have slathered 3 of my "pancakes" with Nutella--literally from Switzerland and another thing I hate in the USA, but love here.
     Now, it is very hard being alone every night and not being touched by a loved one. But, it's even harder knowing I have 45 days left. It seems so far away. I cannot wait to see my Nanny. I have this overwhelming sense that I need to be home, now. The day before I left, which would be three months until I would have to come home to get my Visa, I told Austin that in 6 weeks and 36 days (spoken like that in the dream I had where I saw this, lol) that someone was going to die. I can't remember who it was, but I am praying it is not someone close to me. I can't remember if it was me or someone close to me, but someone or something. I'm so creepy it isn't even fair.
     So, Knoxvegas, I will see you in 45 days. Prepare yourselves!
<3

March 12-17

So, I will be moving back to Knoxville in mid-March.

Some of you may think, oh I knew she couldn't last a year and others may think I'm a failure. Lol, but idk. My parents seem to be on both lists. It's not that I'm not happy here; it's that I am lonely, I want to see my grandma when she arrives back from Florida, and most of all, I want to start my life. I do NOT want to settle down, but more so I want to explore my life's possibilities. I will be coming back to Europe in August I hope.... I will start saving up money, and I am not getting another apartment, because I don't even sleep at my parent's anyways. As for a job, idk what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to teach tennis, but I have very little insight on what else there is for me to do.

1) MAC makeup counter--I think yes!
2) Rush trainer? I think I would be getting gipped!
3) I could babysit and make a ton of money.... easy money.
4) Dog walker? Does K-town even have those?
5) Photography--which has been a small dream of mine for years, but it would have to be a side job, because I wouldn't make enough money.

Whatever I choose to do I have to be full time. I am not in school, therefore I must work my ass off. Also, I've been thinking about cosmetology school since I was a kid, but I have also always had a fear of messing some woman's pride and joy (her hair) up... So, lately I've been thinking about the TSB Esthetics school.... It is only a 20 week program and the average pay is 40k a year. Which is not too shabby for a 20 year old. So, work at MAC while going to TSB? Hmmmm.... ;) Plus, the school starts in September so I will have all Summer to play. ;)

I may not have lasted a year, but I know I will remember this experience for the rest of my life. My Italian mom said we will do as much as we can and the best stuff that we can within the next 7 weeks.

<3

Running on 2.5 hours of sleep with 3 wild little girls.

Talk about a headache.

It's only 9 AM, and I haven't even seen the girls, yet, and MY HEAD STILL IS POUNDING. Eff emm ell. Not a good sign. Not to mention, I did this horrid Nike work out yesterday--so sore. I mean so sore that I can hardly walk. I nearly passed out during the work out, and I literally puked. TMI? Eh, it's my blog, bitches.

Speaking of bitches. I think it's one of my new hobbies to study their ways. Stupidity or ignorance? Both. Too much of a moron to care and too stupid to learn. Good combo. Mix with white-trash and you have yourself a winner.

I mean c'mon ladies! WHO TAKES FACEBOOK SERIOUSLY?! No, you cannot update your status every time you're pissed at your 'man'. And, even if you are pissed, wake up call--HE DOESN'T CARE. So, why would the rest of the Facebook world want to hear about it?

I guess it's hypocritical of me to 'bitch' about women on my blog, but I just get sick of it. They are so desperate and pathetic. Call yourself 'confident', say you 'love yourself', but do confident, self-loving people let others drag them along or run over them?! Get some dignity or self-confidence or pride. Or, hell, go crazy and accumulate all three. You think you shit? You'll get treated like it.

Well, Mama always said, "You reap what you sow." Thank goodness I have more pride and dignity than any woman I know. Not that I always have, mind you, but I do now. Thanks, Mom, for making me a total bad ass.

You know something else? You wanna be treated like a bitch? Keep callin' yourself one! There's a reason I stopped saying, "Yeah, I'm a total bitch." Um, because I am not one. I am honest, and yeah, I am a little mean. Sigh.

You bitchez get what bitchez deserve.

love.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child."

<3

4.

Ah the sound of roaring skooters reverberating against the walls of the one lane--not neccessarily one way--streets. By the way, Italy doesn't believe in accurate or consistant street signs. And, my itouch doesn't believe in spell check 8/.

Might I add that I got lost in the streets of Brescia (pronounced bray-sha) for 2 hours yesterday before I sacrificed my obnoxious pride and asked for directions... Then, another hour trying to follow very fast, very Italian directions.

Good lord do I hate being so alone at night. I need my best friend or beau to c'mere and rescue me.

OKAY, it's not THAT bad. Oh my sweet baby Jesus the food is divine. So is the marble house I'm living in. Seriously? Is this from a movie?

I still am ready to come on home to my Tennessee hills. I just need to be hugged by someone I know. Not random people who believe it okay kiss my cheeks. My cheeks, Euros; mine!

Ciao, bambino. Baci!

Day 2 or 3. Depending on timezone. Ha!

So, I've been here for a bit and it is gorgeous. So are the men. Too bad I have absolutely no interest in meeting one. I have no interest in being here to be honest. There is too much for me to worry about back home. I'm on an itouch btws; I can only talk to people when I have internet... Awesome. I know I sound negative, but for some reason I knew I shouldn't have come to Italy. I have business to take care of in good ole Tennessee. I won't be here a year and now I thi k I'll be lucky to last 3 months. I'm so lost that it is pathetic. I really need to get my head back on my shoulders asap. Happiness has made me a little too lax. :) not that I want to be unhappy. I just need to find that balance.

It is day 2/3 and I am already being called home. I am weaker than I thought, or maybe it isn't weakness it's just knowing where I'd rather be. Italy, you are beautiful, so I'll give you a chance.

Knoxville, I will see you soon.

I will be on a plane to Europe tomorrow at 8:10 p.m.

     My flight was cancelled for this past Tuesday--thank goodness. I needed the last few days, the extra few days.

     I am sad to leave, but excited to go. It's funny. I learned that moving doesn't mean leaving, at all. There will be a whole lot of my heart left here.

     But, I will make the best of my situation. I will be okay. And, hell, if I don't like it I will come back. I learned a long time ago that nothing is worth sacrificing my happiness. <3

1 week.

So, I’m sitting here typing this on ‘pages’ in LaGuardia Airport... you know the huge airport in NYC.... Yeah, apparently they don’t offer WiFi that actually works. Fail, much?

I’m on my way home to Knoxville, btws. Incase you thought I was flying to Italy already for some crazy reason. I cannot wait to be back to Knoxville. I LOVED NYC! I mean, really, I loved the city, but honestly, I think Knoxville is so much more legit. Yeah, less culture, food and activity, but there is something about Knoxville and the U of Tennessee that screams to my heart. It will always be home to me.

BUT, that doesn’t mean I still don’t plan to move to Connecticut :)

I got to see a couple of my cousins, and drink some margaritas. I went to the Natural History Museum and took ridiculous pictures. Actually, I just took a lot of pictures in general. And ate. Lordy, did I eat. I ate so much. ha! I think I gained a good 15 pounds, no joke. Hope the men don’t mind my larger assets. ;)

I’m pretty pumped to see my friends tonight. I have desperately missed them, and it has only been 5 days. That’s really not a good sign for Italy. My cold feet are starting to freeze. :/ Hopefully, this is still the right decision for me. 

I’m not pumped to go back to not looking cute. I hope to keep up the cuteness in Italy, and I mean I suppose I can keep dressing nice my last few days in K-Town.

Good lord I’m about to cry, in an airport, alone, having to pee and a little cold. I am going to miss NYC, but mainly I am going to miss my fav cuz, Alexis. But, that isn’t my reason for tears. I have grown so close to a couple people recently, and I literally, 100% don’t know how I am going to leave them. Kelly Myers, no matter what, you are my best friend. I literally, absolutely love you. 

Okay, I’m crying now. I keep having flash thoughts of all these things I’m going to miss, yet I keep having thoughts of all the things I am going to see. I’m terrified that my friends won’t be mine anymore when I come home, and that the boy I am crazy about, who I don’t even know if I have now, will have moved on completely. I’m scared my parents will have for once stuck to their word and sold the house. I’m scared my grandparents will no longer be living. I’m scared Tootsie won’t make it another year, and I’m scared something will happen to Vinny. But, most of all, I am scared I will change. I’m scared I’ll come back and fit in even less, and I’m scared the people I love at the moment will no longer be lovable. I’m scared I’m going to regret missing a year of my family or my brother will have a kid while I’m gone. I’m so upset about missing my great friend’s first child being born. I’m scared that if I don’t go to Italy I will regret it, and I’m scared if I do go I won’t be happy. It’s all happening so soon. I’m going to miss a birthday, a Christmas, a Thanksgiving, a Halloween, a wedding, a homecoming and I’m going to miss my hair stylist. This sounds so petty and stupid, and it’s strange that it’s not my family I’m worried about missing; it’s the gatherings and connections I share with my family.

I’m still crying. And, through the tears, I see a little light in the blur. I can always come home. I can always stay. And for all I know, I may never come back. I may love Italy.

It’s Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 6:51 PM. I am in Brooklyn, NY at LaGuardia Airport. And, I have less than 7 days until I move to Brescia, Italy.

I’m officially terrified.

P.S. Midflight I have begun typing again, and I would just like to announce that the NYC nighttime view from the air is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life. Nature doesn’t always equal beauty, and man-man electrified metals aren’t always ugly.

Hello 2011! So very nice to see you.

     Well, I got sick. Thanks ulcers. While everyone else was running ramped in the city of New York, I was puking my brains out in a [tiny] Brooklyn apartment bathroom. But, damn, did I look good doin' it.

     I have been in NYC for 3 days now, and let me tell you, I L-O-V-E it. My hair has been wildly curly, and I have been dressed cute every time I left the apartment. I love it; I love this city. People are right when they say it is one of the best places in the world. It's beautiful and dramatic. Not to mention, my gorgeous and most favorite cousin is my tour guide for a week :). Love her.

     This AM I went out on a Brooklyn stroll--alone--and I did not get lost. I am going to go ahead and say, Knoxville, your food blows; why don't you gets some originality. NYC is so crafty and delicious. I had a REAL bagel this morning with REAL cream-cheese from this adorable coffee/pastry/anything you want shop, Ms. Deliah's. Sooooo scrumptious.

     We haven't done much except walk around, but walking 70-80 blocks is quite tiring, especially with someone who doesn't mope around (another thing I love--even my cousin is fast paced like me). We went to this crazy ass "mall," OK, the mall was outdoors for one and two the mall was in the middle of a freaking main street. I think we may go to Coney (sp?) Island tomorrow, and we are about to walk the famous Brooklyn Bridge and go to the MET. <3

     I decided to come back 2 days earlier, because I really need to get my stuff together for Italy. Nice chunk of change that cost me. I'm so excited to go, physically, but my mind and heart are already aching. I will openly accept visitors..... ;)

     Tomorrow, I am 20. I am 20. I am 20. I am TWENTY YEARS OLD. I am no longer a teenager. It's funny to think that Mom had a kid at my age and had been married for two years. Strong is all I have to say to that. It also leads me to wonder about my future and what the hell I'm doing with my life. It also makes me want to smack myself in the face. I am young, dumb AND stupid sometimes, but I will be forever young. Mama, I'm never growin' up.

     To 2010; to great memories, friends, food and laughter. To love and to the many people who have touched my life and heart this year. To my best friend, my family and my dog. I end 2010 with my passion, joy, laughter and heart back. I end 2010 happy, again. <3

   Sup, 2011? Wanna go for a ride?