Warmth!

Good morning glorious SUN-SHINE and open windows! I feel great today. I really do. Scott and I celebrated our 1 year yesterday, and--no jinx--the tension has been lifted off our relationship, a lot. Winter does some nasty things to our brain chemistry, but with a little bit of sunshine and warm air, I can feel the angst lifting off of my shoulders.
     My cell phone picture through a 1980's window does no justice to the view I see.
     Anyway, April 1st is quickly approaching. Scott and I have decided not to eat out one time during April, and we are trying to diet--Scott diet, I am going to less junk food... again. This time I feel like I can succeed, I feel ready. Maybe that comes from my better mood and the warm air, or maybe it comes from me because tired of failing at goals I set...maybe, it's because I've had enough cheese today to kill someone...and it's only 9 am. I heard a new study of GMA about cheese, and they said it raises women's estrogen levels? Which, in turn, leads to higher risk of breast cancer?! HELLO! Stop eating so much cheese! Duh, Miranda, it's obvious that you shouldn't eat so much. So, here I go, revamping my whole diet. Back to healthy. I so wish to be a vegan again, but I don't think that it would be the best decision at the moment. I don't eat very much meat, at all. The only time I eat meat, it tends to be chicken for one, and it tends to be every couple days. I have the occasional steak, but only when I crave it. I love seafood, but I only eat it every few days. But when it comes to dairy, OH MY. Ice cream, yogurt, milk, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, and cheeses galore! Yum, yum, yum. I'm saying bye, bye to ice cream this month, but I refuse to not eat yogurt. 1) it is amazing for you, 2) I need some calcium, people. I am eating soy yogurt right now, eh. It's alright.
     Any way, I'm saying hello to this gorgeous day, and hell yes to the month of April. :) Happiness, I can feel your warmth, already. :)
     Love, love.

V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, Go VOLS GO!

     Ah, what an end to a great day. Scott turned 20, and the Vols are in the elite eight. Wonderful. 
     
     It's becoming obvious to me that I have a problem with food, again. I am either starving, or bingeing, no  puking, just stuffing. I want to take control of my life, and I am going to. Scott and I start April 1st with a new outlook. We are both going on diets--I'm just truly going to give up junk food. We are not eating out the entire month of April. This will be hard. I am a sugaraholic and a chocoholic. If they had rehab for sour patch kids, I'd be in it.
     Yes, I am exaggerating my sugar intake. I really don't eat it daily, but when I do start, I can't stop. I literally can't eat it daily, I wouldn't have teeth. I would like to keep those, so I would suppose that it would do me a world of good to stop eating junk. I mean college has ruined me...and Scott has ruined me. ;) Lots of cookies and ice-cream, but no more, no longer will I give in! hahaha
     I gave up chocolate one day two weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure I was having legit withdraws by 6:30 p.m.. Awesome. So now, not only do I have issues with food, I have a chocolate, legit, addiction. You may not think these are problems, but they are. I didn't ingest food for two years, and I would prefer to not enter a time like that again.
     Here I am, setting another goal. I promise myself I will follow through. I will stop breaking my sugar addiction this week. That will help me succeed in April, rather than going cold turkey and breaking down. 
     On the bright side, I have been working out pretty regularly, which I love, and I am playing tennis tomorrow with the faja/coach. :) Super grand.
     Off to bed. But on the bright side,
"I said, 'It's great to be a Tennessee Vol!'" and "Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out."-Robert Collier

...

     There are some things I can't take back and do not even care that they have happened. But if I could take one thing back, it would be the last day I left tennis early.
     My brother had made a fool out of me, I was completely embarrassed, two days in a row. The second day was the issue. As a kid, I ALWAYS was mad on the tennis court, everyone called me Moody Miranda, but what they didn't know what how messed up I was inside. I wasn't crazy or anything like that, but I wanted perfection so intensely that I drove myself to pure frustration and anger. Anyways, I had stopped really getting so mad a couple years ago or maybe a year ago, but my brother still decided that it was okay to tease me about it. Blah blah blah, okay, back to my story. I had gone all day (a long time in my brother's mind) with out getting angry, so when I got back from our lunch break and headed back out to the court my brother made a lovely announcement.
     "Okay, everyone loses the bet!" He yelled it quite loudly. Wonderful. Grand. Great. Make a fool out of me Bobby, right when I had finally gained everyones respect. (I had been offered numerous full rides to D1 colleges, and this finally made the other kids at practice stop thinking of me as such a joke.) Of course, he had made this grand bet that I would get angry with in a couple hours of practice the day before--when he had also embarrassed me, causing me to leave practice early, which allowed him to place the bet without me knowing.
     I stormed off the court, and I had reason to. I was 18, I was not a child, I was about to leave for college, I was about to accomplish amazing things, but that all changed. I left, drove around for a bit, then headed home. He texted me the whole way back, saying possibly the worst things I have ever heard. Telling me I would never amount to anything, which broke my heart. He WAS my idol. Ha. Funny how things change. It's so ironic. That whole day. It was the worst day of my life.
     I was home, but I wasn't crying anymore. I was so angry that I probably could have broken everything in the house, but Mom was there. She read all the text, saw what I said, what he said. Distraught is a perfect word to describe how we both felt. My dad called. My best friend called. They wanted me back at practice. They said everyone was embarrassed about what they had done, and they damn well should've been. I regret this. So, so much. I got in my car. Took a deep breath, started my engine and drove off.
     Everything is in a white cloud, a fog. I come to my senses--what little I have--only to see a man screaming at me, calling me a bitch, telling me he's going to sue me for everything I have. I look in my mirror, there is blood all over me, my nose is crooked and swollen. I can't move. Men are all around me, ambulances, cops, state troupers, people keeping the man who would become a stalker of my family later off me. I can't find a word to describe how I feel.
     I don't remember much before of after my wreck. I remember the hospital a little. It makes me sick to think about it. The smells and sounds are the worst part. I smell my wreck, I instantly break down. I hear tires squeak, I lose my breath. I may not remember much, but I remember the slow motion tracking in my brain. I remember my car spinning, hitting object after object, but I do not remember it stopping. I don't remember knowing what had happened.
     Because of that day, I have no college tennis career, I barely play tennis anymore. I rarely talk to my brother, and I am constantly skiddish in the car. I am terrible at math, and I am not the best student anymore. Because of that day, I have regrets. I regret allowing one selfish, insecure person make me feel like an ant. I regret allowing that person decide whether I am good enough or not. I regret allowing that person access to my heart. But I mainly regret not having enough pride to stand up and say, "What ever, just shows how mature you are." Because, if I just had let it roll off my back, that day wouldn't have happened.
     I hated my life for months, but I love my life now. I live on my own (with Scott), I support myself mostly, I'm with the man I love and will love forever, and I go to the best university. I have amazing friends--very few, but that's okay. I'm not totally happy. But I am learning to be happy with a regret. It's hard to explain. It takes that experience to understand I suppose. But I will forget and move on one day. I will be happy.

Pride

     Ah, back to oatmeal, and I don't mean the kind you're thinking of--maple brown sugar, strawberries and cream, etc--I mean real, old-fashioned, no sugar added oatmeal. Healthy, healthy, healthy! (Which is much better than: hefty, hefty, hefty!)
     I have so much pride when it comes to my health, my body, my athleticism, but when it comes to school work, I just simply do not care. I have always had it easy in school, I never had to study once until my fourth semester in college--and it was for my anatomy/physiology 1 final. But, now that I am at UTK, it is different. I love the university, don't get me wrong--I think it is the best place, ever--but it is very generalized. I do not have a class over 30 or 40 people, but yet the teachers still teach the 'whole' rather than the individual. Difficult stuff. Now, the School of Art, is way different... I have never seen teachers so willing to help their students (minus one of my teachers, whom I only had for 1/2 a semester!!). Maybe it is just the general ed. courses at UTK that are, well, ironically general.
     So, here I am, left to work my ass off studying and with no direction at all. Here comes will-power. I guess this is just a way for me to take more pride in my school work. I want to, but not because I have to, because I need to. I think it's just another way to help me feel better and in turn, act better.
     The cold kinda set me back yesterday, I was super grumpy. But I am justify some of it with the nice hypoglycemic attack I had. AWESOME! But, that doesn't mean that I could be stand-off-ish to my parents.
     One thing that I am happy about it how I am rekindling friendships. I need friends, no matter what opposing things I have said previous to this. I was so cold, because I have been hurt by everyone... everyone. I am working to open my heart, again. I feel so amazing when I tell an old friend that I miss them, and you may be thinking, "she's 19, she doesn't have long-lost friends," but I do--I'm cynical, remember? I swear the grumpiness is rubbing off my our puppy, Vinny, because he used to be the happiest little guy to every dog, now he likes to show his teeth--unless it's his bff, Leland.
     I guess to wrap up, I have some goals for today: talk to someone new, call an old friend, and get my school work finished.
     :)

Margaritas + Mahi Mahi = Love

     I woke up to the beautiful, thick, charcoal gray lined, thunder clouds. Knowing this means Summer is on her way, I got a rush. The day started off wonderfully. I cleaned my three rooms--Scott is still working on his ;)--and I watered all my plants. When I stepped outside (in a tank top and shorts at 10:15 A.M.), I took a deep breath, and inhaled the city air.
     It's so funny how one day it's 75 in Knoxville, and the next day it is 40--or cooler, as we all have learned this Winter. Thankfully, the last few days have been 60s and 70s, blue skies and a quiet breeze. Even today, for a bit, the clouds rolled off.
     My great mood quickly wore off when Scott would not wake up to do his share of cleaning, but then seeing how innocent he was, and how much he was trying--when he did finally arise--I just took a deep breath and let it all go. I love him, I just have to learn to accept everything that is... Scott. And Scott is his own person. I arrived at Mom and Dad's (I left my car there over night), to see Mom smiling and cooking lentil soup (thank goodness I do not live there anymore--I can't stand lentil soup!) in the kitchen, and to see Dad pissed off about the screened off doors being attached incorrectly and the chain saw not working (he's not a handy man). I realized how blessed my life is; my parents are not pretentious, and I always know their true feelings and when things are not going to smoothly. I remember as a child, going to friends' houses and seeing their 'perfect' families--the kind who never showed their kids that even parents, who love one another very much, fight. I always wished to have parents who never bickered, but now I am glad that I grew up differently. Most of those 'perfect' marriages failed, while my parents--who have had their struggles--are still chugging along. Yes, they are working on things, but that's the point. They have always been open, kept things off their chest, never held back their feelings to one another. This has made their bond, our family bond, stronger. My point of the ramble is that: I am realizing to let the small things go, because my parents taught me that they do not matter, that two people will always argue, and things won't always be perfect. I love them for that. 
     I rushed to a friend of mine's baby shower. Her skin was glowing, even more so than usual. She was simply beautiful. Everyone was loving, caring, and showing their support, even though she is a single mom. She is a strong person, and she is amazing--and very accepting considering that her ex-fiance was there. Everyone was so joyous, and I know every woman was jealous in there who will never have a baby of their own again...or ever. 
     Fantastically, I finished my art homework! I also finished all of my math. I am on the ball. I already feel happier and less stressed. 
     Any who, I am off to make some margaritas and mahi mahi. Mmmmm. 
     Love, love, love,
             Maroo

Reflecting Values.

     As I sit here, eating my second bowl of Coco Puffs--at 6 in the morning, I realize that I had set a goal this week to not eat sweets this week. Fail. Again. But, I did avoid Maggie Moo’s and Godiva yesterday, not by choice I should say.

I have decided to take twelve months and live them with purpose. I have goals for each month, which will roll over in to the following month.

It is so easy to get lost in our busy lives, and most people just go through life on hyperdrive. I cannot bear it any longer, I want to be happy. I want the people around me to be happy, to respect me again, to not call me a bitch or to feel defensive around me. I want to make people feel amazing around me, but this does not mean I am about to build up someone or tell them lies. I am who I am. I will always be too honest and a little harsh--mainly, because I do not see it as too honest or harsh, I would appreciate someone like me. Blah, blah, blah.

Yearly, we set goals, and we do not follow through. It’s all so cliche`. I think most people set goals for the approval for others, such as: to get a better body or skin, to get up and dressed nicely every morning, but what about goals that benefit ourselves? What about losing 5% body fat, so you are no longer obese, to exercise three times a week for an hour to make YOUR heart stronger, to read a book a week or a month, or to take a day or even an hour for yourself, where you make yourself feel appreciated or feel a bit of happiness, each day.

This is why this year, my goal was to get back in shape--my new years goal I mean--and I have, and I feel better. I am no where near where I was, but that’s okay. I’m working back into it. I want to play tennis, again. I miss it, but I have to be in better shape to play. But this year, on spring break, being with my grandparents made me realize that I do not want to be unhappy anymore. I’m 19, and I’m already cynical! AH! HELP?! What would I be like when I was their age if I kept going like this?!

Thanks to Women’s Day Magazine, or something alone those lines, haha, I found an article on happiness. It was a brief article on happiness by the writer of The Happiness Project that made me take a big step back. I started by writing down and answering 8 questions about my life, my goals, my happiness, my wishes, and of course all the opposites, too--what I did not life, etc. Hello, awakening! I have so many great things happening to me. I have so many things that I love, and I have so many people who love me. So, why am I so grumpy, pompous, bitchy?

The question that got to my heart the most was, “Does my life reflect my values?” No, it does not. I am so mean, and I do not want to be this way. I was to befriend people and not feel so awkward. I want to stop judging people and being so cynical. I want to love people and be happy. I want true happiness, and I do not want to put the people I love most on the back burner. I do not want to treat my loved one like they are in the dog house, but before I can treat them with the most respect and love possible, I have to remake my life.

So, I have decided to blog. I think it will help me express myself and allow people to see what I am about, that I am not rude or unruly. I am truly a good hearted person, I know I am, I just need to get out of this funk. It will help me get out what I am thinking and feeling. Mostly, I think it will help me succeed. 

And, here I am, opening up to complete strangers and people who think I’m a bitch and many other things. But, maybe I just do not care anymore. After all, this is about myself and my personal happiness project.