Growing

"i would much rather have a blanket of heartache for a season than have never loved at all. i’m thankful that i can experience a broken heart since my heart is now so soft. i never ever want to have an unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable heart — and i never will..." - Stacy Setzer

This quote hit me so hard, and maybe I felt it, because she is a real person. I don't know her, but I now know of her. Which is strange to think of how creepy that is. But, the quote itself is beautiful and true and warm, and it hits me right where I needed to be hit. It made me realize how lucky I am to have loved; the good times were bright and passionate, and while the pain was the worst pain, and even though it pulled me to the ground, it has still made me a better person today. I am so thankful that I know how it feels on both ends, how terrible it can feel, and I am so thankful that I know the bliss and joy and passion love can bring.

My friend told me that something can be short, but be more passionate than years of being with someone. And, he was so right. He helped make everything clear, understandable and I am finally able to move past it, enjoy it, think of him, and as one of my new favorite girl-friends said, "He's just a fond memory. It may never be exactly the same, but it can be different and just as amazing." I have no one to compare any longer. I have finally broken free, and while I now realize, just like the first boy I loved (not in-love), I will always look at him with a smile, and I will always keep him in my heart, that doesn't mean I will always be there for him. I am always the person to fall back on, but I think it is finally my time to find someone I can lean on, trust and simply enjoy. I'm so happy.

That same new friend said to me today, "I love you. Already. You are so easy to love." And, while it may be stupid for me to say, that is the nicest thing I have ever been told by anyone. It made me realize that there are people who accept me for who I am, and who can love me. Like I have said before, I am living for myself and only myself now, but that doesn't mean I don't care about anyone's feelings. I am the most loving person; I am intense and honest and sometimes rude, but the thought of hurting someone hurts me--it tears me apart. I hate losing people who I love so deeply, but at the same time, I will cut someone off if I feel it necessary. And, that friend who left me, I finally know where he's coming from. I just wish he knew where I am coming from. I have cut so many lose ties these last few months, but I have rekindled my best friends and made new, amazing friends. I've met boys, had plenty of booty calls, broken the hearts of two boys who loved me--who I just couldn't love, sadly--and I have had my heart absolutely, 100% torn apart. I think I am finally where I need to be. I am finally able to understand it all. The way I work isn't how he/she may work, but that doesn't mean either of us have to change. I am sorry to the people I have hurt, but I have moved on, accepted fate and realized some people aren't worth fighting for, and that most of the time I am not going to get who or what I want. But, eventually, maybe, there will be a person equally as loving, generous and honest as me. I am finally growing into the person I have so longed to be.

I am so happy. <3