I. Am. Addicted. To. Sugar.

Eff em elle!!!

I really need some help, lol. You know you're bad when your bf says, "You need to get some sugar," as soon as you start getting grumpy.

Lacking in Updates.

So, I wrote a LONG blog in the Milan airport, but it has disappeared. I guess I got a little discouraged after that.

My best friend is now the girlfriend of my old best guy friend. Weird. And not weird, because they are together... weird, because of the things he once said to me... weird, because she lied to me or hid it from me. Best of luck. Hope I can get over this. A says I shouldn't care, and he's probably correct. There is one person like me in the world, and many people who are far from me. I guess it's like a round-about in the road, you can veer off in a random direction, or you can keep going in the same day-to-day circle.  I love change. I love craziness. I love wild. But, I do not love dishonesty. Yes, I am NOT perfect, and yes, I have lied and said stuff I shouldn't have, but in general, I treat other's how I want to be treated. I'm starting to realize that you can expect people to be a certain way, but they are still just people. They are still selfish. They are still more concerned about their well-being than the trust or well-being of others. And, in the words of my mummy, "you are lucky if you have as many true friends as fingers on one hand." Doesn't mean it's gonna happen; doesn't mean I should care either.

5.

Okay, so, all I do is color and watch Disney channel. I have a new obsession with Selena Gomez and her show, "Witches of Waverly Place." It's like watching myself on a TV, minus the wizard stuff. She said a quote to her best friend, "You're my best friend! You should know I'm up to no-good at all times," -Alex (Selena). Totally reminded me of Kelly and I, lol. "You know, Alex, you're a pretty controlling person, but I put up with it, because you're my best friend!" Another quote, it'd be Kelly yelling to me, obvs. They are also polar opposites, goody-good goof-ball and an asshole of a goofball. Even dark girl vs pale girl. hahaha I love you Kelly. I love our very odd, unusual and unlikely friendship.

That is all.
<3

7.

My last week in Italy has officially started, and let me tell you, I will miss it. The Tennessee hills are calling me home, but, I do love these girls, even if they are mean to me, lol. I think I'm going to Milan Thursday with one of my mom's best friends. This is my last Saturday in Italy, my last Saturday alone, but it's still becoming more and more bittersweet.

<3

Dear Mom,

I know I've been a shit head, well, for most of my life. I know I'm a little too wild, and that I have absolutely no set direction for my life. I know I should be in school, but I also know how much I dislike it. I know I should hug Dad more, and tell him I love him. I should say 'thank you' more often, just to let you know how must I truly appreciate you. I know I have changed a lot this past year and a half, and I know it's been hard on you. I know I probably should not have randomly moved to Italy, and I know I should call your dad more often. I know it kills you that Bobby and I rarely talk since that one day. I know you think A's a sketchy choice, because of the psycho woman that will be in his life forever more. I know you don't know how much I love you, and you probs think I am an ungrateful little shit still. But, what you don't know, is that everything you have ever said to me, good or bad, is stuck in my head. I hear you all the time, and you play a role in most my choices. I remember all the little things from when I was a kid with you. I remember how when we went to Fort Sanders, I'd always watch you in the work out classes, and you never knew it. I loved how you wore a GIANT t-shirt, especially the one with the muscly man... I think it was Aaron's, and how you were the tight leggings. I swore you were the only mom who could pull off the look. I remember at the beach, I would always be rearing to go at like, um 6 a.m., and we all know you aren't exactly a morning person, lol. I remember Christmas morning starting at 3 or 4 a.m. I remember our old love-seat, the grey one, and I never knew the purpose of it, but you and Dad seemed to like it. I remember when you got the Black 626, and you were late picking me up from school; I thought it was so cool when I saw you driving through the parking lot. I remember when you, for once, let me put make-up on you, and obviously I chose to put the most obnoxious blue eye-shadow ALL over your eyes. I remember when we had "the talk", and I remember thinking you're a total idiot for not realizing that being around Sanner, Tyler and Bobby had already taught me everything... including how to break someone's arm, leg and, um, neck. I remember the OLD back-deck, and when you played Bobby and me, or tried to play us, in some tennis on the court behind the house; I also remember wondering why you were so awkward when you moved, lol! Clearly, I was a shit since I popped out. I remember the times I made you cry, and I remember the last time you tried to physically control me; I laughed... You did not, lol... I was 17, and I had a few inches and a couple dozen pounds on ya. I remember faking being sick, constantly, and I know you had to know, but you never seemed to care. I remember those really awful love books you used to read, and when I was like 7, I decided to read one, because I wanted to show you how smart I was.... you just got pissed, lol. I remember the 4-H dress that "I" made, aka, you made, and I remember how pissed you got when I wanted to give it to someone and not wear it, but mom, that dress woulda cramped my style. I remember the day I got my license, and I was beyond pissed, because you wouldn't me drive to practice from Strawberry Plains... even though YOU WERE IN THE CAR! I remember how you let me drive to Fox Den in the mini-van... when I was 15... alone... a lot, lol. Yeah, I drove with the music up reallllllllll loud, and all the windows down, and punched the gas too hard. I remember the look on your face when I realized where I was at the hospital, and I remember hating you for making me get a shot, because I still kept puking. I know how much I wanted to kill him, when he hurt you, and I know I will never see him the same. I know how much I wanted to kill her, and I still do... don't worry, I throw the heavier medicine ball extra-hard to her... even made her break a nail once. I know, no matter how much we fight, you are still my moose, and always will be. I love that I have your wild spirit, and Mamaw's old-fashioned soul. I love the values you have taught me, and that I am am a (sometimes) Southern Lady, because of you. I know I'm here and you're there, but I'll be home soon, and I cannot wait to demolish some calamari, and make you come to the track with meaty-meatwad and me.

I love you, Mom. I just don't know how to tell you or show you just how much I do.
<3

Favorites.

I just had an urge to list my favorite things and least favorite things in life. This is going to be difficult, and it is in NO order.

Favorites

My dog. Tennis. Arts.

Anything my Nanny cooks.

Unbelievably huge, redneck trucks.

Driving insanely fast, drifting and doing doughnuts.

Cooking. Kiddos. Teaching tennis.

Knoxville, TN. NYC<3. Destin, FL.

The University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

MoTown music. Laughing at myself. Being goofy.

Kelly Myers. AWC. My cousin, Alexis.

Tiramisu. Ice-cream. Skim milk. Mmmm.

Connolis from the pizza place next to the dollar movie theater.

Hiking. Kayaking. Biking.

Sitting in an open field checkin' out the stars.

My baby, Nikon D70s.

Coloring. Clementines. Crunchy foods.

Led Zeppelin, Nickel Creek and RHCP.

Brad Paisley, Taylor Swift and John Mayer.

Cowboy boots. Stiletto pumps in da club. 

Dancing<3. Nike Shox. Tiny dresses.

Grocery Shopping.

Singing my heart out in the shower.
Spooning. Naps outdoors. Outside. Um, everything outside.

The amazing hugs a man's arms can give you, or your mom's arms.

Ironic moments. Being a goldfish. Loving, a lot.

Fishing. Swimming. Salt water. Piers.
Pinky Promises.

Remembering everything I'm told, do, see or visit in my life.

A real date. Laser Quest. Fashion. Movies.

Sprinting. Training. Working my ass off.

Sweating through shirts. Bikinis. No clothing.

Hand-washing cars. Sprinklers and water-hose fights.

Baths, long, extra bubbly baths.

Spandex... everything. Big storms. Hot air, cool breeze.
Late Spring. Summer. Fall.
I will admit it, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montanna. Ok, I <3 kids' shows.
Hello Kitty! Italian Fashion. Mexican Food.
Tyra Banks. Shakira. Pete Sampras. Roger Federer.

Honesty. Trust. Late night conversations.

Open minds. Willingness. Breath-taking moments.

Kisses that make me weak. Pearls. Sand-dollars.

Shopping for underwear. The internet. Making cute things!

Being strong. Being tough. Being smart.

Reading book that captivates your mind.

Horses. Horses. Horses.

Elephants. White Tigers. Elephants.

Dobermans. Farms. Sun Rises.

Not-so-Favorites

Curry. Licorice. Mustard.

Heartbreak. Lies. Fake.

Pretentious. Petty. Vindictive.

Okay, most females.

The internet. My phone. Virtual lives.

Facebook.

Nascar. Cat pee. Cats.

Dirty homes. Cluttered homes. Fast food.

Barbie. Photoshop. Any bug with a ton of legs.

Spiders. Reptiles/Amphibians whose tails can fall off. 

Jellyfish in my bikini bottoms. Heavy gusts of wind.
The University of Kentucky. Kentucky. Yeah, anything in Kentucky.

Light gray skies. Sprinkling rain. Winter with no snow.
Ants on my picnic blanket. American History classes. 

Flats. Flip-flops. Frontin'. Referees.

Unhappiness.

I think I'm pretty blessed.

A lifetime of dreams creeping back into my soul.

Everyday I change my mind, but two things stay constant: my love for tennis and my love for photography.  Why can't I have both? There is not a moment where I do not wish I brought my treasured D70s to Italy. There is not a moment where I am not taking pictures with my eyes. I store it all, take it all in, but I need to have my camera in my hand again.

I drew something, little ridiculous though, for the first time in months, and I felt SO relieved to see that I can still do it. I don't know what I was thinking letting art slip from my life. Sometimes, I want to know why I even feel like I can't have both. For some reason, I feel like I need to give up art to get tennis, or I need to give up tennis to get art, but shouldn't the two passions of mine go hand-in-hand? I'm going to push both when I get home. I'm going to find people, places, things to photograph, and I'm going to take time most everyday to pick up a racket and trust my instincts.

There is something I should stop doing though--looking at wedding photos. Growing up, I dreamed of a big wedding. I mean I know what time of year, what colors, what kind of dress, what kind of cake(s), I know the time of day I want it, I know who I want to cook my food and make my cake, I know who I want to photograph it, I know I want a band for a few songs then a crazy DJ, I know the Tennessee VOLS will play a huge role in the date of my wedding, I know I want the guys in khakis, not tuxes, and I know where I want the wedding. But, after Scott, I stopped wanting a wedding at all; I decided I wanted to elope--if even get married. I guess I had an issue with knowing every detail of what I wanted, except the main piece of the puzzle--I didn't know what man I wanted. Scott and I used to sit and watch bride shows over and over and over again... wedding show after wedding show. We looked at rings and dresses. He knows everything I want, and no one else does. It's like after him, after our relationship ended, I couldn't share the details with anyone else, and I didn't want to, not even to my friends. It seemed/still sometimes seems like a fallacy, unreal, untouchable; it seems like it's behind glass casing and I lost the key to open the little door. I'm scared. It was so secure with him, too secure for the person I am now, but I was a different person with Scott. I was OK with marrying him. I was OK with never being with anyone else--even though I wanted to alter who he truly was--until I changed, I matured, I grew tired and he... didn't. I know I'm only 20, but every other woman in my family has gotten married young, had kids young, but I'm not there, and I don't know if I can be there, again. My mom asks me about the guy I'm with now, she asks if I love him, and I can't answer her and tell her I won't answer, because I'm finally having fun; I'm finally happy with someone; most of all, I finally don't feel the need to alter someone. After M destroyed my heart, after I fell for him too fast, I knew I didn't want to feel like that again--like I was on a dead end path.

I felt like Scott and I could end, no problem--that doesn't mean I didn't think I would marry him; he was my first love, y'all. I felt like M and I could end, no problem. But, Mom, for the first time in my life, I don't think it's going to end; I haven't had that thought run through my wild mind once.

So, I sit here thinking of the things I need to do, want to do, and the things I should stop looking at... I realize the scariest part of all... I just may be secure enough with someone to be beyond content, happy. And, just as scary, I may just be ready to let it happen.