Clouds

And, not the pretty kind. The kind that hang over in the sky and look down on us in with ominous glares.

Needless to say, I'm having the worst day since I moved to New York. I feel myself shutting down and pulling away. I do not feel welcome at work, or like I have the ability to grow here. Excluded is the word I am looking for. I feel excluded. I don't know if this is my own mind tricking me, or if the excluding is real.

I miss my father. I miss our time together on the court. I miss Knoxville and the grass.

Everyone keeps telling Callie and me to hold out until Summer. They say it will have a whole different feel, and that we will meet people who are more like us. My favorite client basically begged me to not leave, and is so serious about me staying that he said he'd set me up with his friends who are "much younger than" him. ;) Honestly, he is what brings me to work every day. He is amazing.

Did I mention we went to a "ball" dressed in Free People? Did I mention that we made the paper? Not even 6 weeks into our new lives, we already made the paper.

Yet, I cannot help but to question my decisions in moving here, and I really cannot put my finger on why I am questioning it.

It's probably the loneliness, the lack of affection. Which is all my fault, and tomorrow, I 100% plan on speaking to this guy I see nearly every day at the gym--if he is there.

It's funny that the things I hate most about the South (bullshit and religion) are completely forgotten when I leave, and all I can remember is the fried food, family and friendships that I left behind to live out my dreams of New York.

Maybe, just maybe, today won't be so difficult after all.

xoxo

Over when it's over.

"It's just over when it's over, ain't it baby, ain't it?

Rip ya like a dagger; can't it baby, can't it?

Wish we could do it over; damn it, baby, damn it.
We had it in the air, but we just couldn't land it."
Eric Church, Over When It's Over

And, it's time to move on. I guess I realized that 24 year olds are still children, because he knows he is screwing up, but he can't possibly stop doing it.

That's okay, though. His loss. Especially when he knows he cannot do better. Ironically, he got pissed when I tweeted about the "sexiest guy I know." Yeah, that guy just asked for my number. You're welcome.

It hurts still, and as hard as it is, I have to allow myself to be hurt. I have to hurt before I can move on. And, when I think about it, I realize how stupid I was to ever get my hopes up for someone who has no hope for their own life.

Lesson learned.

New day and beginnings. 

xoxo

P.S. This guy next to me smells like Austin. That hurts.

MY Gills Are Grumpy

My entire life has been spent a little on a the grumpy side. Which isn't something I enjoy or I am proud of needless to say. I'm always reaching for optimum happiness, but only seem to get there for a few days at a time. No, I'm not depressed, I only have anxiety when it's called for, and I have no real reason to be so melancholy.

I was reading a new article on the growing number of women who are losing emotion, lacking emotional reactions to situations. Whether it's their boyfriend breaking up with them, or their coworker getting a raise when they should not have, women are settling. It makes sense. To act like, and soon truly not care, you lose your ability to have any sort of happiness or anger or frustration or any other healthy emotion to the situation.

I'm deemed autistic--Aspergers. So, obviously some of my ridiculousness cannot be redeemed, but there is absolutely no reason I should be blocking out every single emotion except anger.

So, for the next week, I am going to have J work on my emotions and expressions.

Wish me luck!

xoxo