Just ask me.

You want to know about me? For the last year I have been down in the dumps, and it has taken me breaking someone’s heart, karma biting my ass and getting my heart broken to realize who I am again. First of all, I AM a tennis player. I am a lover if you're my friend, but I will be a fighter until I'm dead. They say I'm too intense and apparently I'm intimidating. So, I'm spilling my heart out to random people (or no one) to show that I am not cold or mean. I am honest, I am wild, I am exceptionally out-going, yet I can be the shyest person you will ever meet. I won't ever lie to you, and you can bet on me giving you my honest opinion. I'll break it down on a dance floor to O.P.P. with my exceptionally fun mother, and I will sit in the corner not talking to a soul--both of which I am perfectly content with. I don't have very many friends, but the few I have are priceless, and Mom always told me if I have as many true friends as fingers on one hand then I am a very lucky person. I have a gypsy soul, and I'd rather be anywhere than where I am now. I never want to truly hurt someone, but I constantly do. I am not about pleasing others, but I sure as hell can get the job done if I have to. I don't play games, and I'm in it for love. Yes, I have a temper, but give me 15 minutes (or less) and I'll be over what ever you did to piss me off. I forgive too easily and love too openly, but I wouldn't change who I am for the all the diamonds world. I think elephants are the most incredible animals, and I love the idea of Buddhism. I wear pearl earrings everyday, and maybe one day, if you're lucky you'll know the ridiculous reason why. :) The piano is my favorite instrument, and I can sing with all my soul, but will I ever do it around anyone other than my dad... probs not. I sincerely love classical music, but Led Zeppelin is my favorite band, and Nickel Creek can bring me to tears. I love passion and to feel it in my knees when someone kisses me. I love the nervous first few dates, but I really love it when that feeling stays around. I follow my heart, always. I have a strangely amazing connection with my grandma, but I have been told that I am my great-grandma reincarnated. Old soul? Yes. Judgemental? Yes, I can be terribly judgemental, but my judgements are usually not false. I want to experience life first hand, not through your photographs or words. Yet, very ironically, if you give me a camera, you'll find me at peace with myself and for a short period of time I will be taken away from reality. Give me a racket, and you'll see me full of joy (and frustration). I have no fear of death, and I love adrenaline pumping through my body. I need excitement, honesty, and loyalty...give me those and you'll have the best friend you could ever ask for. If you think I'm insane, a bitch, hypocritical or anything else, go ahead, I won't try to prove you otherwise. And with this blog, I don't know what I'm trying to prove, but I guess I'm just trying to learn more about myself and give myself a year of happiness and self expression.

Brooklyn, brooklyn take me in.

So, here I am. Single... again. Which is strange for me, because I never thought I'd know what this feels like again.... or actually enjoy it. I forgot the fun and enjoyment of people talking to me. Nevertheless, I am feeling much better after my 'melting due to the sun' episode.

Can I say how much I love my new place (and my new roommate)... no, no I can't tell you how much. Although, I haven't done laundry in two weeks, and I have no clean bras.... but other than that I am super. I can't the NYC urge out of my system. I am saving money--my idea of saving money is not eating at chikfila 3 times a day, because I don't spend much other than that. Sadly, this month, due to rain, has sucked for me. I haven't had many hours, and I have only had a few privates a week... less cash-flow = longer time until I can go to NYC.

I am also changing my major, maybe. I LOVE ART SCHOOL. O-M-G. I love it. I never want to leave it. I love all the nifty things I learned and accomplished, but I don't have time. I want tennis, and my parents don't seem to understand how serious about it I am. So, here I am. Changing my major to education.... hello boring, so that I can focus more on tennis--which is ridiculous considering that my parents don't even take me serious, so in reality the dream is already forgotten. I can always fall back on my camera... or teaching... who needs a degree for those?
     I so desperately want for excitement in my life. Day-in and day-out I am doing the same thing: teaching 9ish until 4ish.... working out from 6ish til 8ish... playing tennis when I can. I just don't know how school is expected to work out when I am already bored just thinking about an even more scheduled lifestyle. I need crazy and hectic! I neeeeeeed busy! I simply need a change...typical. Luckily, that's where my roommate comes in...

Hello white-water rafting!

She's all chill, but she is a hiker (<3) and she's taking me white-water rafting Sunday! I am so beyond pumped. I am also pumped for camping and backpacking this fall. And dad, when you read this, yes, we will be using your gear, and yes, we will bring the male gender with us and pepper spray. :)

As for NYC, I think I might take a trip on fall break, and the again at Christmas break--but that time with Melina. She is dying to go as well. We are going to walk the city with all the snow. Hell, Maggie (roommate) might be going as well once she hears of the plans. Kinda sucks that the people I talk to all start with M's.... Melina, Maggie, Mom, Malcolm, Megan.... lol I tend to get my text a little mixed up. Good thing I don't have anything to hide :)

I am also, strangely, excited for Fall and Winter. I suppose it's due to the fact that I WILL finally be travelling north. Although, my parents insist I will hate it. Clearly, they don't know the inner workings of a Maroo. Speaking of that 'M' name thing, I have even, on rare occasion, text myself. haha Classic.

Also, I'm truly becoming my wild-talk-to-anyone self again. Well, besides one person. I believe the confidence is FINALLY coming back to me. I have been breaking it down everywhere I possibly can. I think tennis is really helping me break out of the horridly thick shell I have built around myself. Breathing again is nice. Working out again is also nice; cutting body fat is not nice.

I need to get my camera out. I think I might start trying to do some photo shoots with people and get credibility. I need something else in my life. Good thing my lovely cousin wants me to be the photographer for her NYC based future-advertising business :)!!!!! ahh. Excitement right there.

Okay, enough rambling for now. Only 4 more hours of work---4 freakishly boring, just sitting at a desk hours.

Love:)

The Snow-Ball Effect

I was rollin'....... then the sun came out and melted me.

Thanks for life crashing in on me.

"Everybody knows almost doesn't count."

I wish I could express myself again. I get so jumbled. I use other people's lyrics to express my feelings and thoughts. I just want to be able to open up, and I don't mean on a blog... I mean in actual life. The good news is that my old (yet still best of best) best friend is coming over today. She is the queen of talking to new people. I just need to work to get back where I was almost a year ago... before my brain swelled up. I keep looking back at pictures of me when I was so much happier. It's been so hard, but the last few weeks I've felt so much relief.
Maybe I'll go dancing.
I love dancing.
SOMEONE TAKE ME DANCING!
And, no, I don't just mean at a club... although that'd be nice, too.
I want to actually dance--like in Dirty Dancing.
That is sexy and sensual and expressive.
That's exactly what I want.
Although, I also want a 35mm camera. lykeomg. I'm dying for one... but I have zero money. So, like everything else in my life... that will have to wait. I know things are going to work out for me though. I see the light. I am no longer constantly negative or down. I am feeling happy most of the time now. And besides, Vinny LOVES this place. Hell, I love this place. And my roommate is the shit. She put up all the dishes and took Vinny out when I couldn't which made me super happy.
I am also on a sorta-kinda diet. More-so I am going to try to get my legs cut again and drop my body fat down some. I want to feel confident and secure again, and sadly, that is probs the only way to do it. Another thing that is making me secure again is having Logan back in my life. I love her with all my heart; she understands me more than anyone. Working bullshit out is always the best choice.
My god I'm rambling like I don't have any brain cells.
Which I wish I had all my previous ones back, ugh. Soon, though. Soon.
I love that I am listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora. hahah I love Boyz to Men and Destiny's Child. hahah White Chocolate. fosho. cough.
My god I love this rambling.
Today, a kid that I teach called me before his match. It really made my day. I feel so appreciated when they call me to say thanks or ask for advice. I feel extra appreciated when a parent calls or compliments me. It's so wonderful having something that satisfies me in my life.
God it better not rain. We need drunken pool business. Then clubbing.
Then I remember that I work at 10. Ugh.
Fml. Logan better get here early. We may not be going out after all hahah
I want someone to ask me about myself. To figure out things I can't even figure out. That would be wonderful. I met my hair stylist today, because I have a frizzy mess, and I love her. She is so amazing to talk to. She can explain everything about the opposite sex. I swear she is the cutest girl, but has a guys brain... way smarter than any man will ever be though. I just simply love her.
I'm planning to make the move north in the next couple years. I don't want to be in school. I want to play tennis, and if that doesn't work out, I want to TEACH tennis. I love either. I love to play, though, but I feel as if my parents have kinda lost hope. I try to get my dad to hit with me and he always is making some bogus excuse--which is heartbreaking. My mom makes excuses about my knees. Well, get the fudge over them, they are fakooked up. They always will be. I want to reach for my dreams. It's my turn. I know that I can do it... I just don't know if I can make it. But, I want to try. I need to live my life how I want to, and I need to stop worrying about displeasing my family. I know what choices are right for me, and tennis is the right choice for me. No matter what I do, it has to be involved in my life. I'm addicted to it. I get high from it. I love it. If I could marry tennis, I would. ha.
Ah, 'Angel of Mine' just came on. HAHA I LOVE IT! I'm gonna jam and play some tennis.
Love love love love <3
:)
"I look at you, looking at me, now I know why they say the best things are free."

"Hey now pretty baby, I always take the long way home."

     Yesterday, I was made fun of for talking about Vinny's play dates... lol. But, this morning--while on his walk--I realized that he legit needs a play date... as ridiculous as that sounds. He's like a child, when he saw this dog today (he had met him yesterday) he had a heart attack wanting to play. He also wanted to play with an unusually large lab. I love his outlook. He loves EVERY type of creature, but that doesn't mean he loves every dog he meets. I swear he has a sense (like most dogs) of which is bad and which is good; he's the same way with people. It's hilarious when he doesn't like someone that I don't like. It's endearing when he instantly loves who I care about. My favorite is when Tootsie, the attack dog from hell (if we're not there she hides behind the couch and barks), instantly loves my best friend or a boy I bring home.... when she growls, I know there's an issue. I love how little animals have such hearts, and how they trust their intuition far more than I ever will. I sound crazier than the craziest crazy right now, but they are so innocent and true. I would love to feel that innocence or truthfulness again.
     But, even if I can't get that back, that doesn't mean I can't view the world a little differently. I know I'm cynical--getting better--but I didn't know how bad of trust issues I have, and I really don't know why I have such issues. I mean I realize why I have certain trust issues, but why can't I be like Vinny? If you hurt him he--after a few minutes forgives and forgets about it--and I also forgive instantly, but it's so difficult for me to forget. Sometimes, I hate remembering everything I'm told, because I accidentally will bring something that is said to me up, and then everyone thinks I am using that against them. I can feel myself changing for the better though... I can be the first to apologize, I can accept an old friend who hurt me, and I am feeling weight lift off my shoulders easier.
     I think I should just relax and stop being such an uptight beeyotch.
oh well, :)
Beautiful day, wonderful breeze and good music... I'm happy.

New Place, New Start.... again.

     Sitting on our balcony, newly furnished I must add, I eat my second dinner in my new place. I wish I had a lighter for the candles. Actually, I wish I had a lot of things. But, this place is beautiful and calming... no more Thirsty Thursdays downtown.... not that I'm not planning to quench my thirst tomorrow night with my best friends. ;) Only 'cause it's the 4th (well, 3rd)! Ah, I mention the quiet--total jinx--now, I hear fireworks.
    I feel so relieved, and I do not ever know why. Maybe, it's the breeze or the sunset; maybe it's that 'Doubting Thomas' just came on, or maybe it's, because I have just realized that I'm going to be okay. The fear has been killing me; it's been driving me crazy, literally. All I have been focusing on is the negative; I have forgotten to take in the positive, the love and laughter which surrounds me. And, yes, I say this today, and I realize tomorrow could be a whole new round of emotions. But, for right now, I think I'll just over-look that reality and take in the beautiful sounds around me.
<3