"But you, you've gone too far this time. 

You have neither reason nor rhyme with which

 to take this soul that is so rightfully mine."

-Mumford & Sons

Cool crisp air on Fall mornings tends to open my heart and mind just a little more every time I inhale. Letting go, during this time of year especially, has been tremendously helpful to my happiness. It's also allowing me to see the beauty in the things that are right in front of my face; most of all, letting go has allowed me to realize a little more of my self-value.

This soul is rightfully mine, given to me by the unseen, and no one should every be given the ability to control it. Yet, I was giving free-reign of it to the people who I was angry with. Obviously, I'm not little miss sweetie, lol. I still am slightly rude, but I will get there, slowly. 

Lifestyle changes, not changes that last a New York Minute.

xoxo


P.S. 
I bought leather pants yesterday. XD

Lessons

Wednesday night, K and I attended The Walk--a church gathering for college aged people. Needless to say, it was exactly what I needed.

The entire lesson plan was based around how to pray to Christ. We deciphered the Lord's Prayer. And, yeah, I'm not necessarily religious, but I have a very strong spiritual view on life.

Forgiveness and the ability to let of of control was the underlying theme. Exactly what K and I needed to hear.

I never realized just how much I try to control my life path until the thought was put into my head. I always want to force things that I want to happen, and I'm not talking about the things I do, I'm talking about the things I get other people to do for me. That's just not something I want to be known for anymore. I want to better myself from the inside out.

And as far as being angry and holding grudges, I learned that those are two things that will take care of themselves. There is no reason for me to let someone live for free in my heart and make me miserable. That gives someone else feee reign and control over my happiness. So, I let it all go. It feels like, at least right now, my happiness is creeping back in.

I said my apologies to A, and I truly meant them all. For all the pain I have caused him from my words and actions, I'm sorry. For our past, for all the pain we have caused the people around us. But, it's time for us to no longer be selfish. And with that, I let it go.

Letting go and forgiving. Two things I need to do. Things will happen as they are supposed to. I just need to keep that in mind.

Xoxo

Waking up

The cool air seems to make my mornings much better than the muggy summer heat, but it has the opposite effect on my heart.

While I'm not longing for A, I'm longing to not be alone. Waking up next to nothing makes me feel empty; seeing a picture of them together waking up makes me feel even emptier. And, it's hard to explain... While I don't care that they are together, it still feels like a slap in the face, and I also feel a slight bit of animosity towards their situation. I nearly sent her videos of us and pictures of us from Saturday night, but it's not even worth it.

Thank goodness for my best friends, though. K is coming over tomorrow for a girls day, and I'm going to her house after The Walk on Wednesday. C may come over tomorrow as well. Hair and face masks... joy.

J looked really cute today at work, my best friend's--C--brother, lol. We have amazing chemistry, and although I am not usually physically attracted to him, my heart beats hard for his personality. He's just calm. And sweet. And funny. Three things I haven't been around in a while with a man. We're just friends, for the most part, but he has slipped in a few kisses lately. He kisses so gently, and he hugs me so strong. Two things A has always failed to do.

And, as I type that, A starts blowing my phone up and calling me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get away.

Xoxo

And today, I'll finally decide to let myself be happy.

To steal a quote from my best friend's blog, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled and it has made all the difference."

I actually always seem to take the road less traveled by, the more difficult road, the road with more rocks and hills to climb over, the road that you cannot use cruise control on, and somehow, I always find a way to make it work.

A told me this is what he most admires about me--my drive, my ability to do anything I want with little effort, just extreme focus. And, I guess that's what I love most about him, his ability to see what I can do, and never thinking that something is unachievable for me... right down to me leaving him again and moving to the Big Apple.

However, leaving him used to be the one thing I was unable to accomplish, yet I have grown. The tears are less frequent, and the visits are fewer by the week, but my heart will always be his. I am learning to accept that, and to be happy despite my loneliness.

My best friend and I have finally rekindled our romance--lol. Honestly, having her back makes me feel so much more secure. I love her. I am so proud of her. She too is taking a slightly bumpier road than most, and it probably has something to do with the man who destroyed her heart the same way A has destroyed mine. She no longer cares, like me, yet still gets up and puts on a smile every morning. I admire that so much. She so positive, and loving, despite her past. She's really helping me to see where I need to get myself back to. She reminds me of my other best friend, C. Both, scared, yet so positive that it almost deflects the fears they have. They don't cuss or boast or think they are better than they are. They are amazing, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

I have no idea how I am going to make NYC work. I am not scared though. I am not unsure. I know this road is going to be far more difficult than any before, but I also know I can push through and make it. I have an amazing support system, and I have the drive to do whatever I want. And, while my shoes may get a little broken down and my body a little more worn down, I know I can figure it out. I know I can make this work and be happy again and be happy in my new city.

While my heart has been stuck in Knoxville, TN for the last 3 years, I am hoping NYC will be able to steal it; I hope it can break it free from the unfaithful hands it's been held hostage by.

I'm starting fresh today. I need to be happy with myself again.

I need to remember that I can always make it work. I need to simply remember who I am, and that the road less traveled by is not difficult, its an exciting challenge that will only make me stronger.

xoxo

Foggy.

I cannot think. The last three weeks have been hell; from work to my family, everything has gone wrong. My grandparents are still getting death threats, and a girl at work is trying to get me fired. I just cannot handle bullshit, and if that makes me a weak person, then I'll gladly admit just how weak I am.

I think I am finally losing this connection to A. He has pushed me away so much. I told him that. Last night, he took me to dinner, and we met up with his friends, but by 10:30 PM, I told him I wanted to go. He was just sad. I told him though. I told him he was pushing me towards to deep end, and that I simply am starting to not care. But, what do I know? They are just my feelings and all. As I got out of his car, and told him I'd "maybe see" him "later or something," he looked like he was going to crumble to the ground and uttered, "I wish you cared. I really need you to care again." Sorry, A, I told you what you were doing to me was too much. Go enjoy baby mama, lol. I am just over it.

J actually has been chatting me up lately. Seems to be jealous of A, too.... well, and any other guy who talks to me. Wanna know what's weird? I literally, completely do not give two shits.

I am just ready to move.

Xoxo

Runaround

20-something phone calls and at least 35 text messages later, A has finally calmed down.

I responded to 1 phone call and 2 texts. He is driving me crazy. He is threatening to show up at my house, my work, etc... wanting to know where I am. He can gtfo of my life.

My grandparents got beat up last week by people we have known literally forever, in a one-stoplight town... their hometown, at the church my great-greatgrandfather built. They have been in and out of the hospital for 9 days now. My grandmother is unrecognizable half the time and has a severe concussion. My grandfather, however, has no outer damage, but internally, he is falling to pieces. He has a catheter and is expending blood in his urine. Keep in mind, my grandparents are in their early 60s, and to go from fully functioning people who travel week to week, to people who are helpless has to be so demeaning.

My best friend's father had a heart attack... she is in California on vacation, and I nearly had a breakdown when she told me. Her dad happens to be J's dad, too.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm just trying to see the light.

xoxo

Hey.

It's been over a year since I've even written.

Ups and downs, and A is still destroying my heart most days. New best friends, and old ones, too; they are all still around, but seemingly I am alone most days.

I spend my mornings and evenings with A, and go to work for 10 hours.

Tennis is no longer an option, because I had shoulder/bicep surgery earlier this year.

Oddly enough, I love what I am doing. It's been a roller coaster the last 9 months. Here's a little update:

January 2nd was spent in ATL: Helllllllo 21st birthday! (My pants still have the holes in them to show how rough of a night it was!)

A and I stopped speaking for a little while, and I met J in February...maybe. Yeah, still talking to J every day, lol. Whoopsies.

March 27th, I had major surgery to repair my bicep--it split in half and came off my shoulder. I am iron woman now though, doing like 200 pushups and stuff. Ya know, the usual.

April 7th, I started working as a one-armed "life-stylist" at an Aveda salon. Also in April, A somehow found out where I was working and began showing up and e-mailing me, because I blocked his number.

Early May, yeah, A and I are tangled back up in our screwed up world. A

In May, I got my arm back, kinda.... 6 weeks of shoulder/arm sling hell. A

June, I hit my first tennis ball, damn I'm talented (I'm kidding, but I'm not). A

July, eh, nothing exciting, except for a lot of NYC searching on craigslist.... but I'll get to that later. A

August, I got a pay raise, and trained to be a manager!!!!!! Woooohoooooo!!!! Lot's of A. LOT'S OF A. My grandparents got beat up and put into the hospital, terrible. So beyond terrible. I am speechless about it.

And, to September, we got new makeup at work, and I decided not to speak to A.... as of last night.... when babymama blew my phone up.... well, being the mature lady that I am, not, I laid into her and destroyed her little rose colored glasses.

It doesn't seem rough, but if you only knew all the bullshit with A.

Anyways, to NYC, my bff C and I (we also work together :)) are moving in February to the big apple.

Dreams really do come true.

Sorry for the delayed and honestly, quite terrible entry.

Til next time!

XoXo