Lost in the silence of a dead-beat friend.

  It has occurred to me that maybe I am not cut out for friendships of people my age. It seems like everyone is going to hurt me or leave me. I don’t understand. Call me what you want, but having goals or rules is not manipulation, and if you’re happier without me then leave me, quit dragging me on. I am not going to be someone’s rag doll, and I think it’s about time that I start standing up for myself again. I am not this weak, sad person that I have become. I will not be like this anymore. It’s my life, my time, my heart. Who are you to try to take that from me? Who are you to break that? If you want out, then you’re going to be a nobody to me, because I am sick of having to do the right thing. I am sick of giving in and forgiving. I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I have even forgotten some, which is something I have never been able to do until you, but it is not enough, and sadly, it will never be enough. I have changed my bad habits, and yes, I have acted out and thrown my fair share of fits. I have never tried to portray myself to be something I am not. I am not nice, unless I love you, and even then, I won’t be nice if you aren’t nice to me. I have a bitter tongue, and yeah, my standards are high. If you can’t keep up with it, then leave, but do not ever accuse me of being someone I’m not or doing something I never would. I am NOT manipulative, evil, or psycho. I do not think I am perfect, nor do I expect perfection, but I do expect greatness. Oh, kill me for being sooo awful. I am who I am. I have always been true to myself until these last few months. But, it is my time now, and I will no longer bow down to anything. I will find another you; a better, smarter, nicer, more mature version of you. Sadly, and I reluctantly say this, you are and always have been everything I have looked for in a man, and the only way someone could actually be better than you is if they were you 5 years down the road. I love you, but we are going in different directions. You want friends? Well, I want a family. What happened to you loving me so much that you talked about proposing to me? What happened to OUR plans, OUR life? It’s gone now. I doubt we can get it back. I wish. I hope. I dream for the simplicity of life to come back, but I am not longer a kid. I’m not a child; I guess this is what growing up is all about: choices, decisions, love, heartbreak, friendship and losses. I just have to choose which ones I allow to affect me and which ones I will not allow to affect me.