You tell me I need friends, but who am I to be friends with? It's so hard to trust people when I feel like I can't even trust most of my own family. I wish I was closer to my family; I wish I had a sibling to be best friends with--someone who would never let me down, but that's sadly a dream. I feel like I out grow my friends, or my friends out grow me. Then, I see the girls who have all been friends since preschool. It is sad. No wonder I'm so cynical. I lost my best friend in the world; she is alive, clearly, but she just stopped caring. I feel like I'm the only one who hurts from that. I feel like she doesn't care. And maybe she doesn't. She has all her 'good-time-charlie' friends, and who do I have? My dog? My friends say to me, "Well, you have Scott, now." Um, thanks? Does that mean I don't need you? Scott doesn't want to hang out with me, and why should he? He has friends of his own. Maybe it's because I am not like most girls. Maybe it's because I get along better with a 25 and 27 year old. I'm so stuck. I'm 19, but I don't enjoy the things that most 19 year olds enjoy. I don't want to waste my life or my time at the mall. I want to experience things. I want to love and trust and enjoy my short lifetime. I want to have a good time with people with out going to a stupid club or hitting on guys, and that's the problem. I am not interested in guy chasing or partying. I am so boring, lol. I like walking downtown or taking Vinny to the dog park, or simply going to the park. I feel so alone in the world. It hurts. It's painful to know that I have no one to be around or enjoy life with. I feel needy when I ask someone to hang out with me, and I end up not trying after a few times of being told, "no, I have plans, sorry." It's embarrassing. I walk to class, alone; I don't talk to anyone in my class; I walk back to the condo, alone; I drive to the dog park, alone; I teach tennis and train people, alone; I eat, alone. I do everything by myself. How can you expect me to be happy? Today, I'm sitting in a cold office for 8 hours, and I am alone. I try everyday to have a good day, to be positive, but I see myself slipping backwards. I wish I had a true best friend. I wish I had someone to hangout with everyday, because Scott--being my only friend--doesn't want to only hang out with his mopy girlfriend. I don't blame anyone. But, that doesn't mean I don't understand it. She was my best friend for 5 years, and when I went to ETSU, she just gave up. I had a new best friend, but she doesn't seem to care too much either. Maybe I should just be a loner like I always was. I never cared before, why do I care now?