Lost in the silence of a dead-beat friend.

  It has occurred to me that maybe I am not cut out for friendships of people my age. It seems like everyone is going to hurt me or leave me. I don’t understand. Call me what you want, but having goals or rules is not manipulation, and if you’re happier without me then leave me, quit dragging me on. I am not going to be someone’s rag doll, and I think it’s about time that I start standing up for myself again. I am not this weak, sad person that I have become. I will not be like this anymore. It’s my life, my time, my heart. Who are you to try to take that from me? Who are you to break that? If you want out, then you’re going to be a nobody to me, because I am sick of having to do the right thing. I am sick of giving in and forgiving. I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I have even forgotten some, which is something I have never been able to do until you, but it is not enough, and sadly, it will never be enough. I have changed my bad habits, and yes, I have acted out and thrown my fair share of fits. I have never tried to portray myself to be something I am not. I am not nice, unless I love you, and even then, I won’t be nice if you aren’t nice to me. I have a bitter tongue, and yeah, my standards are high. If you can’t keep up with it, then leave, but do not ever accuse me of being someone I’m not or doing something I never would. I am NOT manipulative, evil, or psycho. I do not think I am perfect, nor do I expect perfection, but I do expect greatness. Oh, kill me for being sooo awful. I am who I am. I have always been true to myself until these last few months. But, it is my time now, and I will no longer bow down to anything. I will find another you; a better, smarter, nicer, more mature version of you. Sadly, and I reluctantly say this, you are and always have been everything I have looked for in a man, and the only way someone could actually be better than you is if they were you 5 years down the road. I love you, but we are going in different directions. You want friends? Well, I want a family. What happened to you loving me so much that you talked about proposing to me? What happened to OUR plans, OUR life? It’s gone now. I doubt we can get it back. I wish. I hope. I dream for the simplicity of life to come back, but I am not longer a kid. I’m not a child; I guess this is what growing up is all about: choices, decisions, love, heartbreak, friendship and losses. I just have to choose which ones I allow to affect me and which ones I will not allow to affect me.

Thursday, up at 6:45, not that I have slept late/well in a week...

     It's strange how it has ended so quickly. But, I suppose it takes two. I guess it wasn't meant to be, not right now at least. We are both so defensive, and things won't fix until we can see both sides. I feel like I can, I do, but he does not feel that way. It's funny how 15, 20, 30 years ago, kids were married with kids at our age, but for some reason we are not expected to be mature enough to handle a living situation. Maybe what my mom says is right. She tells me that if one of us was 25, it would have worked out just fine, but because we are both kids, it won't. We are selfish, but we are selfish in different ways. I haven't stayed in our place for 5 days now. It's hard to go back, because I love it. I love the decorations, I love the furniture, but sadly the furniture is his. Basically meaning that I won't be living there within the next few weeks. Hopefully, I'll be living in a loft, not alone, but I'm screwed money wise. If I did stay in our condo, I'd have to buy furniture, and pay rent and electricity by myself. If I move in with a girl, I have to pay one solid fee. I think the loft, especially come winter-time, will end up better money-wise, but it will still be hard. It's also hard knowing that we aren't strong enough to fix things... once again my mom calls it maturity. I just hope things work out. It's hard for me to say, "What ever happens, happens." A little over a year ago, I didn't give a rat's ass what happened. Now, it's like my life is either: A) going to suck with him, B) going to be fantastic with him, C) be fantastic without him, or D) suck without him. Awesome choices, considering that 'B' and 'C' seem far fetched. Ironically, 'Don't Stop Believin'" just came on. HA. I wish I could chill out, and let things flow.  But, then again, I wish I was 6 years old, and all I had to worry about was making sure my mom didn't find the grubs I hid under my bed (I didn't realize she'd notice the smell). I also just found out that UTK took off 15 of my credit hours, making me not a junior... um bullshit? Yes, I think so. Mom, can I just get my associates? I wish I could ditch school (money allowing) and travel across the world hahahaha. Such a Cameron I am.
P.S. No spell check; don't judge me. ha
P.S.S. My nails are growing out!! Fantastic!! And, I actually fixed my hair yesterday! Oh, yeah!

     You tell me I need friends, but who am I to be friends with? It's so hard to trust people when I feel like I can't even trust most of my own family. I wish I was closer to my family; I wish I had a sibling to be best friends with--someone who would never let me down, but that's sadly a dream. I feel like I out grow my friends, or my friends out grow me. Then, I see the girls who have all been friends since preschool. It is sad. No wonder I'm so cynical. I lost my best friend in the world; she is alive, clearly, but she just stopped caring. I feel like I'm the only one who hurts from that. I feel like she doesn't care. And maybe she doesn't. She has all her 'good-time-charlie' friends, and who do I have? My dog? My friends say to me, "Well, you have Scott, now." Um, thanks? Does that mean I don't need you? Scott doesn't want to hang out with me, and why should he? He has friends of his own. Maybe it's because I am not like most girls. Maybe it's because I get along better with a 25 and 27 year old. I'm so stuck. I'm 19, but I don't enjoy the things that most 19 year olds enjoy. I don't want to waste my life or my time at the mall. I want to experience things. I want to love and trust and enjoy my short lifetime. I want to have a good time with people with out going to a stupid club or hitting on guys, and that's the problem. I am not interested in guy chasing or partying. I am so boring, lol. I like walking downtown or taking Vinny to the dog park, or simply going to the park. I feel so alone in the world. It hurts. It's painful to know that I have no one to be around or enjoy life with. I feel needy when I ask someone to hang out with me, and I end up not trying after a few times of being told, "no, I have plans, sorry." It's embarrassing. I walk to class, alone; I don't talk to anyone in my class; I walk back to the condo, alone; I drive to the dog park, alone; I teach tennis and train people, alone; I eat, alone. I do everything by myself. How can you expect me to be happy? Today, I'm sitting in a cold office for 8 hours, and I am alone. I try everyday to have a good day, to be positive, but I see myself slipping backwards. I wish I had a true best friend. I wish I had someone to hangout with everyday, because Scott--being my only friend--doesn't want to only hang out with his mopy girlfriend. I don't blame anyone. But, that doesn't mean I don't understand it. She was my best friend for 5 years, and when I went to ETSU, she just gave up. I had a new best friend, but she doesn't seem to care too much either. Maybe I should just be a loner like I always was. I never cared before, why do I care now?

There is a difference between a redneck and being southern.

     My last day of classes was Friday, and what a relief that was. What's not much of a relief are the 5 finals I have to take--4 finals and one final critique. The critique is going to be a complete bitch considering: 1) I haven't even started on my "semester long" project, 2) three teachers are going to be critiquing my project, 3) one of those teachers hated my idea. Great. Oh well, I have to just suck it up. It's not a project that I could do all semester, it involves scent... you can't hold a scent in a jar for 5 months.
     Luckily, I pulled the last month out of my ass and some how brought ALL my grades up. Thank goodness, because I was having the worse semester of my nearly 3 years in school. If I had just chosen to stay at ETSU in the bullcrap degree I was in, I would be done by May 2011. Ugh, that kills me. But, then I think about how much I LOVE UTK and how much I love their art program. I feel like I'm being cynical again.
     We have been babysitting Tootsie (my 10 [or something] year OLD chihuahua), and needless to say, she hates Vinny... she would eat him if she could. We've had her for 3 days now, and she is finally chilling out, but we still have to keep them in separate rooms at all times. It's actually hilarious to watch them. Vinny pounces her and bobbles around, and all Tootsie does is growl and snap and sometimes actually bite him. He doesn't care, he just wants to be "friends" aka play.  My best friend also stayed with us for two nights, hilarious, because she and Tootsie slept together on the air mattress. She said, "I didn't get any sleep, because of Tootsie. I'd move and hear 'SQUEEEK!'. I told her that Toots could have slept with us, and she said, "No, I want her to sleep with me, she's pitiful. I couldn't help, but to watch her all night." Tootsie has super bad hip dysplasia, so she "walks like a runway model".
     I really don't have anything to discuss, because I fully believe in the jinx, and every time I mention how well things are going, they blow up in my face within a couple of hours. 
     For instance, I start talking about how great work is, how many privates I have, and etc... the next week zero privates and cancelations on my group training programs. But, I plan on fixing that by advertising--at least where I work.


     I love looking out our windows every day. The HUGE, green oaks take over each bedroom window and one living room window. It really forces me to start my day off happily. Plus, the relief of school being out for the semester make me extremely less stressed. Yet, for some reason, I've opted to take 2 summer-school classes. I really need to, because my major is a 5 year program, and it's already kicking my ass. I am only taking four classes next semester. If I could get into drawing 1, I would go ahead and take 5 class. I don't want to be here forever, but it looks like 2 or 3 more years for me...there is just too much to do for me to finish school at my originally planned date. I don't really know why I want to rush things, maybe it's because I just want to work, or maybe I'm rushing my life. I really love school, but I hate it at the same time. I have 64 hours left at UTK. So, I will be in summer school, a lot. That's okay though; I'm going to try to enjoy life more. Take is easy and slow.
    My goal for May is self respect. Along with still eating healthier and working out more, I plan on taking better care of myself. I want to stop biting my nails forever!!! Ah, such a bad habit. I always stop, then give into temptation after 3 or so months. I want to have better manners, and I really wish to stop cussing so much. I think it's about time I mature enough to start talking like a lady and not a sailor. (Vinny just nuzzled me, and his ears are all floppy, because he's tired :P)
     I'm going to get off of here and take care of today. :)