Growing

"i would much rather have a blanket of heartache for a season than have never loved at all. i’m thankful that i can experience a broken heart since my heart is now so soft. i never ever want to have an unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable heart — and i never will..." - Stacy Setzer

This quote hit me so hard, and maybe I felt it, because she is a real person. I don't know her, but I now know of her. Which is strange to think of how creepy that is. But, the quote itself is beautiful and true and warm, and it hits me right where I needed to be hit. It made me realize how lucky I am to have loved; the good times were bright and passionate, and while the pain was the worst pain, and even though it pulled me to the ground, it has still made me a better person today. I am so thankful that I know how it feels on both ends, how terrible it can feel, and I am so thankful that I know the bliss and joy and passion love can bring.

My friend told me that something can be short, but be more passionate than years of being with someone. And, he was so right. He helped make everything clear, understandable and I am finally able to move past it, enjoy it, think of him, and as one of my new favorite girl-friends said, "He's just a fond memory. It may never be exactly the same, but it can be different and just as amazing." I have no one to compare any longer. I have finally broken free, and while I now realize, just like the first boy I loved (not in-love), I will always look at him with a smile, and I will always keep him in my heart, that doesn't mean I will always be there for him. I am always the person to fall back on, but I think it is finally my time to find someone I can lean on, trust and simply enjoy. I'm so happy.

That same new friend said to me today, "I love you. Already. You are so easy to love." And, while it may be stupid for me to say, that is the nicest thing I have ever been told by anyone. It made me realize that there are people who accept me for who I am, and who can love me. Like I have said before, I am living for myself and only myself now, but that doesn't mean I don't care about anyone's feelings. I am the most loving person; I am intense and honest and sometimes rude, but the thought of hurting someone hurts me--it tears me apart. I hate losing people who I love so deeply, but at the same time, I will cut someone off if I feel it necessary. And, that friend who left me, I finally know where he's coming from. I just wish he knew where I am coming from. I have cut so many lose ties these last few months, but I have rekindled my best friends and made new, amazing friends. I've met boys, had plenty of booty calls, broken the hearts of two boys who loved me--who I just couldn't love, sadly--and I have had my heart absolutely, 100% torn apart. I think I am finally where I need to be. I am finally able to understand it all. The way I work isn't how he/she may work, but that doesn't mean either of us have to change. I am sorry to the people I have hurt, but I have moved on, accepted fate and realized some people aren't worth fighting for, and that most of the time I am not going to get who or what I want. But, eventually, maybe, there will be a person equally as loving, generous and honest as me. I am finally growing into the person I have so longed to be.

I am so happy. <3

"I didn't really know what i wanted to be, but i knew the woman i wanted to become."

~Diane von Furstenberg

<3

I'm doing the right thing.

Loss.

The loss of a best friend is becoming harder than the loss of a love. But, how could I expect any different from a man? Jealousy and angst are not a good combination for any of us.

Jump.

I'm sitting here, realizing my last few posts have been absolutely pointless and slightly selfish (well, I guess selfish is just fine considering this is my blog). I'm also sitting here thinking about what to do with my life. I recently was contacted about being an Au Pair... I gave the guy a call as soon as I received the e-mail. Well, apparently he liked me, because I wasn't supposed to start until January, but he asked me to start next week--does that mean he's firing his current Au Pair? And, in reality, it's not a true Au Pair... I'm only live-in when he is out of town. I am truly excited, but when am I not when it involves kids? This new job has got me thinking about European Au Pair jobs..... :) 'Course my dad said, "You're asking to get sold into sex-slavery."

It's just there are so many things I want to do, but I don't realize what those things are? I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I just don't know how to express my craving for a life other than the one I live. It's not that I don't love my life. I absolutely, positively am so grateful and blessed for what I have and will have in the future. My life is beautiful, challenging, surprising and rewarding. I truly couldn't ask for a better life. But, I want more. I want experiences, I want to feel lost in a new country, a new city or even just the woods. I want to challenge of starting completely from scratch, on my own, with out the help of my parents and see where I can get to and what I can accomplish. I want to find myself alone in NYC and see how I could survive. I want to back-pack across Italy without speaking the language or knowing the culture. My dad says I am a dumbass for wanting that, but unlike him, I am not scared to take that leap. I have faith and trust in myself, and that is all I need to survive in the world. Money is easy to come by. Hell, right now, I walk a dog for 15 minutes twice a week and get $20 for that... think if I walked multiple dogs. I get paid $100 a day to drive a kid from school, be free between 7 a.m. and 2 p.m., take him home, cook him dinner and help him with his homework. I get paid $35 an hour to teach tennis (soon to be $40 ;] ), and enjoy every moment of it. Money is easy, but being on my own in a huge city or foreign country is not.

Mainly, I want to take risks. Fail, succeed, yes or no. They are all simple answers to my actions. I will never get out of this town if I don't take a giant leap.

Finally, there are only 6 weeks of school left. Thank goodness. And, the best part of all is that I will be in NYC soon enough. December 30th, I am longing for you. Fashion, my favorite cousin, frozen rain, and fantastically busy atmospheres. I am so ready.

Oh! Also, I have started to make a list of "must do's"..... cliche` and I don't really need it, but, maybe, it will help me decided what it is that I want to accomplish.
&lt;3

Have I said...

that I am sick of feeling gross (physically)? Well, it's officially time to get my body back. I was looking at picture of me from May '09... I want that back. No more benges.
Body, here I come

There's something 'bout boots and boys.

Oh, Fall, you excite me! There's something 'bout boots and boys. ;)

I'm so giddy for hiking, biking, football, hot chocolate, cold starry nights, scarves, boots (!!!!), color changes, photo-shoots, MY VERY MISSED NORTH-FACE JACKET, Halloween--anyone?--my best friends and a campfire... okay I'm pretty much excited for everything that has to do with Fall.

Kelly and I are going to one of our good friends party; we're going to be a football player (me) and a ref (Kelly). Classy women. This just simply means, no matter the lovely birth-control weight gain and cravings... I'm going to have to counteract it and run my ass (literally) off. F. M. L. Plus, my last pair of pearl earrings broke. Good-bye cussing.

I came home to my parents house to do my laundry, but one of my favorite people lives down the road, so I met up with him. I was able to get the worst thoughts and feelings off my chest. Thanks boo. It felt good to completely open up about my wrong doing and my pain, and it felt good to have someone to lean on. And he's right. I can't keep waiting around, because what happens when that plane takes off again? I'll be left in the same spot. Yeah, it will feel good while he's here, but when he leaves I'll be alone again, and back in this pinch.

So, here's to yet another deep breath and fresh start, lol.
This time, the air is crisp and the breeze may be cool, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't still warm. :)