We officially move in 3 days.... on my birthday.
I have no guarantee for a job, or really anything, but we're going to have to just trust ourselves and our abilities. I have had two places from the city contact me within the last couple of days, so I am setting up a meeting with each for the first week.
My life is crazy.
With A out, and J half way in, I am totally lost.
I talk to J all day, see him whenever I can, but it's just not happening.... totally against my will. But, I told him he would regret not holding onto me when I am gone, and he agrees. Yet, he doesn't want to just have me and claim me?
Men make no sense.
Lezzzzzzzzzzzzzzbihonest.
I wish I could like vaginas.
No, no, I do not. Gross.
Penises forever!
xoxo
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Hamptons.
It's official. We're moving to the Hamptons. Our notices have been posted to the owners of our company and they are fully aware and accepting of our move in January.
We're basically living in an episode of Gossip Girl. We found a cottage we are hopeful to live in for a few months while we wait for a chance for me to go to a club that is in the city--preferably Randall's Island.
Yet, I don't even know how to feel. Anxious? Excited? Sad? Relieved? Scared?
The last thing I want to do is leave A, yet it's all I want to do. I am so confused and angry. I am embarrassed for my behavior, and it terrifies me that I could and did physically hurt someone I love. And, to watch tears rolling down his face as he looks at me and says, "You hurt me." I see how broken he is. I was naive to think I was the broken one, or the one being controlled. I am just as tainted as he is. And, what did I say back to his sad words? "Now, I hope you understand how I've felt for two years." He apologized. Not me. Blood was running down his arms, and I felt like I was in a alternate universe or a movie, because how could I ever do that?
He just looked at me as I refused to say another word, and kissed me, and told me he loved me over and over again. Apologized for it all. Over and over again.
I went to bed crying. I woke up crying. The best news of the year, and the worst evening of my life.
I don't even know what to think or do. I wish we could just run away.
xoxo
We're basically living in an episode of Gossip Girl. We found a cottage we are hopeful to live in for a few months while we wait for a chance for me to go to a club that is in the city--preferably Randall's Island.
Yet, I don't even know how to feel. Anxious? Excited? Sad? Relieved? Scared?
The last thing I want to do is leave A, yet it's all I want to do. I am so confused and angry. I am embarrassed for my behavior, and it terrifies me that I could and did physically hurt someone I love. And, to watch tears rolling down his face as he looks at me and says, "You hurt me." I see how broken he is. I was naive to think I was the broken one, or the one being controlled. I am just as tainted as he is. And, what did I say back to his sad words? "Now, I hope you understand how I've felt for two years." He apologized. Not me. Blood was running down his arms, and I felt like I was in a alternate universe or a movie, because how could I ever do that?
He just looked at me as I refused to say another word, and kissed me, and told me he loved me over and over again. Apologized for it all. Over and over again.
I went to bed crying. I woke up crying. The best news of the year, and the worst evening of my life.
I don't even know what to think or do. I wish we could just run away.
xoxo
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