Cool weather hopefully doesn't mean a cold heart.

     The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" brings me to tears every time I hear it. It hits my heart so hard. I remember a little over a year ago when I could have died, when I felt dead inside, when I felt dead on the court and in the class room. I remember how heart wrenching that time was, but I also reflect on how much I have learned.
     And sometimes, I feel like no matter how much I've learned that I will never find that feeling again. That feeling is to know that someone loves me the way I love them. It's so hard wanting what I can't have, or feeling like I did something wrong. My mom the other day said, "Miranda, I have no doubt in my mind that Scott would make a great father, husband, that you two could be happy, but, Miranda, he is an alcoholic." And, in reality, he is. It just made me feel like he was the man I was supposed to marry, and I will never get that again. Of course, him telling me no one will ever love me again over and over again probably didn't help much either. And, strangely enough, Scott is not the one I miss. No matter how deeply in love with him I was, he is not the one I miss.
     And that is possibly the most heart breaking thing of all. That I am chasing after a hopeless dream; someone who will never admit that they love me, even if they do. Someone who is as scared as I am.

Sighs of relief.

I look at how beautiful it is outside; everyday it shocks me. I know I won't stay here, but I also know Knoxville, TN is the most beautiful place in the world.

I am so happy. I am so myself. I love this feeling. I love my life, but I am ready to experience and live my college life. I have decided to join a sorority. Anyone who knows me will drop their jaw when they first read that, but I'm ready to branch out.

The next step is getting my parents to support my decision and to apply for scholarships--lots and lots. I have the rest of my life to work. I'm sorry guys. I just don't want to miss what I have been missing. I don't want to keep on going in a constant hazy bustle. I'm always so stressed and pushed; I want this time to relax. I don't want to feel like I have to rush through college. I want to cherish it.

I mean clearly, I still want to keep my FD job and teach a little on the side, but I am ready to digress a bit. I'm ready to breath for a moment, but most of all, I'm ready to stop this haze and really see the beauty and greatness around me.

<3<3

September ties.

Fall, for the first time in my life, I can truly say I have missed you. Welcome back. I miss the big sweatshirts and the cool air flowing in my lungs. Early morning calm skies. I missed the sun that warms you and the breeze that is chilling. Ahh, relief. I am happy.

Sometimes, I question what is going on inside some people's heads. The thought that you can take anger out on another person for no reason at all. And, I realize I used to be so guilty of this--like most I still am sometimes, but I try to hard to not ever reach this level. I mostly, and sadly, only each this level with my parents, and I feel so terrible for that. We've had our brawls, but honestly, besides 2 people... two non-family members in my life, they have always--especially my mom--been there for me. The best part about them is their willingness to help me out... in the beginning of me giving up my scholarships they were furious with me, but they see my happiness and they are willing to help in any situation--not that I am always willing to let them. I am so grateful for the family I have. I really couldn't ever need for anything. I do want better relationships though, and I think that will be the most rewarding step I have taken this year... To try to repair and allow my relationship with my mom to grow. It is work on both sides, and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows how difficult it is for me--trying to separate my mom and my friend (mom as a friend). I hope she knows that I wish she was my best friend, but at the same time I can't be 100% open with her for fear of her judgments or lectures, and this is exactly what she hates about her mother's and her relationship. I'm nearly 20 years old--terrifying as that is--and I think it's time for a friend who will always be there--my Mom. Now, it's just time to convince her to let go of 100% mom and 0% friend, and become 25% mom and 75% friend. Don't think she's quite up for that one yet. :)

September: a month for repairing broken ties and sloshy relationships.

:)