Dreams really do come true.

Today, I was told by A that something life changing was going to happen.

Well, the academy director of the tennis academy in NYC that I want to teach at e-mailed me, and asked me for my resume.

My resume is honestly embarrassing, but hopefully, he will ask for more information.

My dreams of NYC are quickly becoming a reality.

xoxo

I have never been so confused in my life.

Will I ever be good enough? Or will I continuously be considered a run-around-worthy female?

xoxo

Are you strong enough to be my man

He looks at me, breaking my heart, and telling me he's changed; he's telling me he's almost to the end.

I asked him how he expects me to trust him, love him, want to be with him after 2 and a half years of him playing with me, and him admitting to it. He said he doesn't. He said he just wants a chance.

I don't even know if I have that chance in me, and as of right now, I am not even in love with him. It has come to the point where I asked him if he makes me happy. He said, "yes." Being the ass I am, I laughed. Knowing that he actually believes that, I ask him when. And, obviously, he's not able to come up with a time within the last few weeks. He throws out, "When I plugged your tire, that made you happy." "No, sweetie, that didn't make me happy. That made me feel safe, because my tire wouldn't blow." Always replying with a condescending tone is my downfall.

So, he asks me how to make me happy. He asks me what makes me happy. And, after nearly 3 years, I told him he should know. I told him all I want is someone who can make me laugh and someone who I trust. Sadly, he can't be that. At least not right now. It's so hard trying to explain to someone like him how to treat me. He wonders why I like Jesse or want to hang out with him or people like him (or anyone else that I spend my time with for that) and I told him this: "I spend my time with people who make me laugh and smile." He said I waste my time on people who don't care about me as much as he cares about me, and wants to know why I am mean to him. Simply put, and this goes for everyone, I treat people the way they treat me. I may not hold grudges or stay mad, but when it comes to a 2.5 year sized snowball of hurt, it's not going to melt away in two weeks of someone being nice to me. I attempted to explain it to him; I don't think he understands.

I don't trust or love because of what he did to me. Does anyone know how horrible that is? Or how horrible that makes me feel? I feel angry when I see him. I feel hurt when I speak of him. I don't think it's something I can undo. And, yes, I have my days where I love him so much, and not to be a jokester, but those are usually the mornings I wake up and he's holding onto me and has yet to say a word. So, how does he expect me to spend a lifetime with him if I can't even stand to look at him or hear his voice?

I'm to the point where I regret ever speaking to him, ever loving him, because I don't know if I can ever love again. I know I shouldn't hold others responsible for my crazy, uncalled for actions, but I feel so much anger when he tells me some lie or tries to apologize, more so than when he's an ass. I guess it's because I warned him six months ago, I told him he was pushing me away, to my edge, but he kept doing what he was doing, blinded by his ignorance of just how much he loves me.

And, how can I love someone who doesn't realize what we had together or how much he loves me until I walked away? How? Tell me, please. Please, tell me how to repair my heart. Please, tell me how to love again or how to accept what he has done, and move on. Please, tell me how to trust him again. Please. I will do anything to be able to let this anger go. Anything.

It's so sad to me that I've lost all hope in our relationship, in him, but the reality is that I am moving, and he's really not coming with me even if he says he is.

"God, I feel like hell tonight,

tears of rage I cannot fight.

I'll be the last the help you understand.

Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right.
So, let me be alone tonight,

'cause you can't change the way I am.
Are you strong enough to be my man?

I have a face I cannot show.
I make the rules up as I go.
It's try and love me if you can.
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care,
when I'm throwing punches in the air,
when I'm broken down and I can't stand,
will you be strong enough to be my man?"

-Sheryl Crow

xoxo

Cancer

Cancer: one word I never thought I'd hear.

"Papaw has prostate cancer. It's malignant."

Just one more thing for my family. We are getting so worn down. My grandma cannot stand to lose him either--he is her life partner; they do everything together.

Cancer: one word that can change the way you think.

Life is short, so short that my papaw could potentially lose his soon, at the age of 64.

Cancer: one word that shows you that the pettiness does not really matter.

The fact that he could lose his life makes me see how petty I have been.

Because, when it all comes down to nothing, who are you going to call? Who has your back? Is it someone who you may lose soon?

We never know whats around the corner. Don't take advantage of this gift we call life.

xoxo

Sometimes it is so nice to reread my old posts.

They always remind me how amazing being in love with you was.

Key word: was.

I saw you for the first time in a week, and it was strange to not long for you. But, I guess it's for the best.

I miss those nights though. Love you forever and always, but it's time to move on.

xoxo