I wish I could express myself again. I get so jumbled. I use other people's lyrics to express my feelings and thoughts. I just want to be able to open up, and I don't mean on a blog... I mean in actual life. The good news is that my old (yet still best of best) best friend is coming over today. She is the queen of talking to new people. I just need to work to get back where I was almost a year ago... before my brain swelled up. I keep looking back at pictures of me when I was so much happier. It's been so hard, but the last few weeks I've felt so much relief.
Maybe I'll go dancing.
I love dancing.
SOMEONE TAKE ME DANCING!
And, no, I don't just mean at a club... although that'd be nice, too.
I want to actually dance--like in Dirty Dancing.
That is sexy and sensual and expressive.
That's exactly what I want.
Although, I also want a 35mm camera. lykeomg. I'm dying for one... but I have zero money. So, like everything else in my life... that will have to wait. I know things are going to work out for me though. I see the light. I am no longer constantly negative or down. I am feeling happy most of the time now. And besides, Vinny LOVES this place. Hell, I love this place. And my roommate is the shit. She put up all the dishes and took Vinny out when I couldn't which made me super happy.
I am also on a sorta-kinda diet. More-so I am going to try to get my legs cut again and drop my body fat down some. I want to feel confident and secure again, and sadly, that is probs the only way to do it. Another thing that is making me secure again is having Logan back in my life. I love her with all my heart; she understands me more than anyone. Working bullshit out is always the best choice.
My god I'm rambling like I don't have any brain cells.
Which I wish I had all my previous ones back, ugh. Soon, though. Soon.
I love that I am listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora. hahah I love Boyz to Men and Destiny's Child. hahah White Chocolate. fosho. cough.
My god I love this rambling.
Today, a kid that I teach called me before his match. It really made my day. I feel so appreciated when they call me to say thanks or ask for advice. I feel extra appreciated when a parent calls or compliments me. It's so wonderful having something that satisfies me in my life.
God it better not rain. We need drunken pool business. Then clubbing.
Then I remember that I work at 10. Ugh.
Fml. Logan better get here early. We may not be going out after all hahah
I want someone to ask me about myself. To figure out things I can't even figure out. That would be wonderful. I met my hair stylist today, because I have a frizzy mess, and I love her. She is so amazing to talk to. She can explain everything about the opposite sex. I swear she is the cutest girl, but has a guys brain... way smarter than any man will ever be though. I just simply love her.
I'm planning to make the move north in the next couple years. I don't want to be in school. I want to play tennis, and if that doesn't work out, I want to TEACH tennis. I love either. I love to play, though, but I feel as if my parents have kinda lost hope. I try to get my dad to hit with me and he always is making some bogus excuse--which is heartbreaking. My mom makes excuses about my knees. Well, get the fudge over them, they are fakooked up. They always will be. I want to reach for my dreams. It's my turn. I know that I can do it... I just don't know if I can make it. But, I want to try. I need to live my life how I want to, and I need to stop worrying about displeasing my family. I know what choices are right for me, and tennis is the right choice for me. No matter what I do, it has to be involved in my life. I'm addicted to it. I get high from it. I love it. If I could marry tennis, I would. ha.
Ah, 'Angel of Mine' just came on. HAHA I LOVE IT! I'm gonna jam and play some tennis.
Love love love love <3
:)
"I look at you, looking at me, now I know why they say the best things are free."
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