January 2

We officially move in 3 days.... on my birthday.

I have no guarantee for a job, or really anything, but we're going to have to just trust ourselves and our abilities. I have had two places from the city contact me within the last couple of days, so I am setting up a meeting with each for the first week.

My life is crazy.

With A out, and J half way in, I am totally lost.

I talk to J all day, see him whenever I can, but it's just not happening.... totally against my will. But, I told him he would regret not holding onto me when I am gone, and he agrees. Yet, he doesn't want to just have me and claim me?

Men make no sense.

Lezzzzzzzzzzzzzzbihonest.

I wish I could like vaginas.

No, no, I do not. Gross.

Penises forever!

xoxo 

The Hamptons.

It's official. We're moving to the Hamptons. Our notices have been posted to the owners of our company and they are fully aware and accepting of our move in January.

We're basically living in an episode of Gossip Girl. We found a cottage we are hopeful to live in for a few months while we wait for a chance for me to go to a club that is in the city--preferably Randall's Island.

Yet, I don't even know how to feel. Anxious? Excited? Sad? Relieved? Scared?

The last thing I want to do is leave A, yet it's all I want to do. I am so confused and angry. I am embarrassed for my behavior, and it terrifies me that I could and did physically hurt someone I love. And, to watch tears rolling down his face as he looks at me and says, "You hurt me." I see how broken he is. I was naive to think I was the broken one, or the one being controlled. I am just as tainted as he is. And, what did I say back to his sad words? "Now, I hope you understand how I've felt for two years." He apologized. Not me. Blood was running down his arms, and I felt like I was in a alternate universe or a movie, because how could I ever do that?

He just looked at me as I refused to say another word, and kissed me, and told me he loved me over and over again. Apologized for it all. Over and over again.

I went to bed crying. I woke up crying. The best news of the year, and the worst evening of my life.

I don't even know what to think or do. I wish we could just run away.

xoxo

Insanity

I heard back from the director of the tennis academy in NYC that I wish to teach at, and he told me he is waiting for the executive to tell him which clubs I will be needed at. Fingers still crossed for a positive response and for a January move to NYC.

Is everyone always waiting for something or someone? I mean if the director of the biggest tennis academy in NYC is still waiting for his superior to give him the okay, who else is he waiting on? Does the executive have a superior? J is waiting for his dream girl to open her eyes--which she should and I'll get to that later. Callie is waiting on me to get an approval letter. I am waiting on the approval of the executive. My manager is. A is. My parents are. I typically am used to grabbing life by the balls and not waiting, but doing... unless it comes to relationships.

Which leads me to this:
I have finally stopped waiting on A. Three years. Three years. I have spent three years waiting on A to: change, to mature, to stop screwing up, and to be truthful. I mean, what was I thinking? I know I get lonely, hence J, but damn, three years is a long time to be waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if J is doing the same thing with the girl he wants to be with. I mean, he told me he waited 2 years to tell her how he felt (which, ironically, he told her the day before she moved back to Texas), and that he thinks that has something to do with his feelings for her. But, I don't get it, and I don't know why I don't understand. I mean, I waited on A for three years, and it really took J being gentle with me, calm, honest--truly honest--with me to realizing A is unhealthy. I always knew he was abusive in some ways, but I just kinda brushed it off and waited for it to get better.

Those three years could have been spent with someone like J. Those would have been three happy years, not three miserable ones. I thus conclude that I have been insane the three last years--repeating the same actions, expecting new results, but getting the same ones. I am so done with that life-style.

My whole life truthfully has been filled with insanity; from tennis to my eating habits to my relationships, I always act in repetitive manors. It's time I actually stick to something I say I'm going to do, rather than forgetting or giving up within a few days only to attempt again in a few weeks. Sigh.

Getting back to J, that girl is so stupid. He is amazing. Sure he's lazy and a little unsure of himself, but that boy knows how to treat a woman, how to love one, and where he comes from. Most of all, that boy loves his family, his mom; he loves children; he loves her. I can only dream of finding someone like him.

So, while I understand that I still will have to wait on some things--such as my job approval--I realize now that I don't have to wait on anyone to change or grow or mature.

I realize I make my choices and decisions, and I need to base those choices and decisions on what I deserve.

And I deserve platinum, butterflies, and happiness.

xoxo

Job Interview

Monday, November 5, 2012 at 9:30 a.m.

I cannot comprehend this. NYC could be a week away.

xoxo

Welcome to the danger zone

It's becoming real. I'm still waiting for a job offer, but soon, I hope it to be here.

It's scarier than I thought. I am going to hate leaving the salon world, I may even work to keep some part of me in makeup. I mean, ultimately, I do want a career in makeup or in the beauty industry of the movies. That's a while from now though. Only to be realistic, tennis will need to be my main source of income regardless.

I'll get all the benefits I want if I get this dream job of mine. I'll get a workout center and a place to play tennis. I'll get a secure income with opportunity to expand and grow. And eventually, I'll be able to coach professionals.

I'm starting to get really confused about leaving A. He's really all I've had the last 3 years. Plus, he greeted me with this delicious coffee monster this morning--I blame him for my caffeine addiction.

I'm equally excited as I am sad to leave. But, it's time. NYC is calling my name.

Xoxo

Dreams really do come true.

Today, I was told by A that something life changing was going to happen.

Well, the academy director of the tennis academy in NYC that I want to teach at e-mailed me, and asked me for my resume.

My resume is honestly embarrassing, but hopefully, he will ask for more information.

My dreams of NYC are quickly becoming a reality.

xoxo

I have never been so confused in my life.

Will I ever be good enough? Or will I continuously be considered a run-around-worthy female?

xoxo

Are you strong enough to be my man

He looks at me, breaking my heart, and telling me he's changed; he's telling me he's almost to the end.

I asked him how he expects me to trust him, love him, want to be with him after 2 and a half years of him playing with me, and him admitting to it. He said he doesn't. He said he just wants a chance.

I don't even know if I have that chance in me, and as of right now, I am not even in love with him. It has come to the point where I asked him if he makes me happy. He said, "yes." Being the ass I am, I laughed. Knowing that he actually believes that, I ask him when. And, obviously, he's not able to come up with a time within the last few weeks. He throws out, "When I plugged your tire, that made you happy." "No, sweetie, that didn't make me happy. That made me feel safe, because my tire wouldn't blow." Always replying with a condescending tone is my downfall.

So, he asks me how to make me happy. He asks me what makes me happy. And, after nearly 3 years, I told him he should know. I told him all I want is someone who can make me laugh and someone who I trust. Sadly, he can't be that. At least not right now. It's so hard trying to explain to someone like him how to treat me. He wonders why I like Jesse or want to hang out with him or people like him (or anyone else that I spend my time with for that) and I told him this: "I spend my time with people who make me laugh and smile." He said I waste my time on people who don't care about me as much as he cares about me, and wants to know why I am mean to him. Simply put, and this goes for everyone, I treat people the way they treat me. I may not hold grudges or stay mad, but when it comes to a 2.5 year sized snowball of hurt, it's not going to melt away in two weeks of someone being nice to me. I attempted to explain it to him; I don't think he understands.

I don't trust or love because of what he did to me. Does anyone know how horrible that is? Or how horrible that makes me feel? I feel angry when I see him. I feel hurt when I speak of him. I don't think it's something I can undo. And, yes, I have my days where I love him so much, and not to be a jokester, but those are usually the mornings I wake up and he's holding onto me and has yet to say a word. So, how does he expect me to spend a lifetime with him if I can't even stand to look at him or hear his voice?

I'm to the point where I regret ever speaking to him, ever loving him, because I don't know if I can ever love again. I know I shouldn't hold others responsible for my crazy, uncalled for actions, but I feel so much anger when he tells me some lie or tries to apologize, more so than when he's an ass. I guess it's because I warned him six months ago, I told him he was pushing me away, to my edge, but he kept doing what he was doing, blinded by his ignorance of just how much he loves me.

And, how can I love someone who doesn't realize what we had together or how much he loves me until I walked away? How? Tell me, please. Please, tell me how to repair my heart. Please, tell me how to love again or how to accept what he has done, and move on. Please, tell me how to trust him again. Please. I will do anything to be able to let this anger go. Anything.

It's so sad to me that I've lost all hope in our relationship, in him, but the reality is that I am moving, and he's really not coming with me even if he says he is.

"God, I feel like hell tonight,

tears of rage I cannot fight.

I'll be the last the help you understand.

Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right.
So, let me be alone tonight,

'cause you can't change the way I am.
Are you strong enough to be my man?

I have a face I cannot show.
I make the rules up as I go.
It's try and love me if you can.
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care,
when I'm throwing punches in the air,
when I'm broken down and I can't stand,
will you be strong enough to be my man?"

-Sheryl Crow

xoxo

Cancer

Cancer: one word I never thought I'd hear.

"Papaw has prostate cancer. It's malignant."

Just one more thing for my family. We are getting so worn down. My grandma cannot stand to lose him either--he is her life partner; they do everything together.

Cancer: one word that can change the way you think.

Life is short, so short that my papaw could potentially lose his soon, at the age of 64.

Cancer: one word that shows you that the pettiness does not really matter.

The fact that he could lose his life makes me see how petty I have been.

Because, when it all comes down to nothing, who are you going to call? Who has your back? Is it someone who you may lose soon?

We never know whats around the corner. Don't take advantage of this gift we call life.

xoxo

Sometimes it is so nice to reread my old posts.

They always remind me how amazing being in love with you was.

Key word: was.

I saw you for the first time in a week, and it was strange to not long for you. But, I guess it's for the best.

I miss those nights though. Love you forever and always, but it's time to move on.

xoxo

"But you, you've gone too far this time. 

You have neither reason nor rhyme with which

 to take this soul that is so rightfully mine."

-Mumford & Sons

Cool crisp air on Fall mornings tends to open my heart and mind just a little more every time I inhale. Letting go, during this time of year especially, has been tremendously helpful to my happiness. It's also allowing me to see the beauty in the things that are right in front of my face; most of all, letting go has allowed me to realize a little more of my self-value.

This soul is rightfully mine, given to me by the unseen, and no one should every be given the ability to control it. Yet, I was giving free-reign of it to the people who I was angry with. Obviously, I'm not little miss sweetie, lol. I still am slightly rude, but I will get there, slowly. 

Lifestyle changes, not changes that last a New York Minute.

xoxo


P.S. 
I bought leather pants yesterday. XD

Lessons

Wednesday night, K and I attended The Walk--a church gathering for college aged people. Needless to say, it was exactly what I needed.

The entire lesson plan was based around how to pray to Christ. We deciphered the Lord's Prayer. And, yeah, I'm not necessarily religious, but I have a very strong spiritual view on life.

Forgiveness and the ability to let of of control was the underlying theme. Exactly what K and I needed to hear.

I never realized just how much I try to control my life path until the thought was put into my head. I always want to force things that I want to happen, and I'm not talking about the things I do, I'm talking about the things I get other people to do for me. That's just not something I want to be known for anymore. I want to better myself from the inside out.

And as far as being angry and holding grudges, I learned that those are two things that will take care of themselves. There is no reason for me to let someone live for free in my heart and make me miserable. That gives someone else feee reign and control over my happiness. So, I let it all go. It feels like, at least right now, my happiness is creeping back in.

I said my apologies to A, and I truly meant them all. For all the pain I have caused him from my words and actions, I'm sorry. For our past, for all the pain we have caused the people around us. But, it's time for us to no longer be selfish. And with that, I let it go.

Letting go and forgiving. Two things I need to do. Things will happen as they are supposed to. I just need to keep that in mind.

Xoxo

Waking up

The cool air seems to make my mornings much better than the muggy summer heat, but it has the opposite effect on my heart.

While I'm not longing for A, I'm longing to not be alone. Waking up next to nothing makes me feel empty; seeing a picture of them together waking up makes me feel even emptier. And, it's hard to explain... While I don't care that they are together, it still feels like a slap in the face, and I also feel a slight bit of animosity towards their situation. I nearly sent her videos of us and pictures of us from Saturday night, but it's not even worth it.

Thank goodness for my best friends, though. K is coming over tomorrow for a girls day, and I'm going to her house after The Walk on Wednesday. C may come over tomorrow as well. Hair and face masks... joy.

J looked really cute today at work, my best friend's--C--brother, lol. We have amazing chemistry, and although I am not usually physically attracted to him, my heart beats hard for his personality. He's just calm. And sweet. And funny. Three things I haven't been around in a while with a man. We're just friends, for the most part, but he has slipped in a few kisses lately. He kisses so gently, and he hugs me so strong. Two things A has always failed to do.

And, as I type that, A starts blowing my phone up and calling me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get away.

Xoxo

And today, I'll finally decide to let myself be happy.

To steal a quote from my best friend's blog, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled and it has made all the difference."

I actually always seem to take the road less traveled by, the more difficult road, the road with more rocks and hills to climb over, the road that you cannot use cruise control on, and somehow, I always find a way to make it work.

A told me this is what he most admires about me--my drive, my ability to do anything I want with little effort, just extreme focus. And, I guess that's what I love most about him, his ability to see what I can do, and never thinking that something is unachievable for me... right down to me leaving him again and moving to the Big Apple.

However, leaving him used to be the one thing I was unable to accomplish, yet I have grown. The tears are less frequent, and the visits are fewer by the week, but my heart will always be his. I am learning to accept that, and to be happy despite my loneliness.

My best friend and I have finally rekindled our romance--lol. Honestly, having her back makes me feel so much more secure. I love her. I am so proud of her. She too is taking a slightly bumpier road than most, and it probably has something to do with the man who destroyed her heart the same way A has destroyed mine. She no longer cares, like me, yet still gets up and puts on a smile every morning. I admire that so much. She so positive, and loving, despite her past. She's really helping me to see where I need to get myself back to. She reminds me of my other best friend, C. Both, scared, yet so positive that it almost deflects the fears they have. They don't cuss or boast or think they are better than they are. They are amazing, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

I have no idea how I am going to make NYC work. I am not scared though. I am not unsure. I know this road is going to be far more difficult than any before, but I also know I can push through and make it. I have an amazing support system, and I have the drive to do whatever I want. And, while my shoes may get a little broken down and my body a little more worn down, I know I can figure it out. I know I can make this work and be happy again and be happy in my new city.

While my heart has been stuck in Knoxville, TN for the last 3 years, I am hoping NYC will be able to steal it; I hope it can break it free from the unfaithful hands it's been held hostage by.

I'm starting fresh today. I need to be happy with myself again.

I need to remember that I can always make it work. I need to simply remember who I am, and that the road less traveled by is not difficult, its an exciting challenge that will only make me stronger.

xoxo

Foggy.

I cannot think. The last three weeks have been hell; from work to my family, everything has gone wrong. My grandparents are still getting death threats, and a girl at work is trying to get me fired. I just cannot handle bullshit, and if that makes me a weak person, then I'll gladly admit just how weak I am.

I think I am finally losing this connection to A. He has pushed me away so much. I told him that. Last night, he took me to dinner, and we met up with his friends, but by 10:30 PM, I told him I wanted to go. He was just sad. I told him though. I told him he was pushing me towards to deep end, and that I simply am starting to not care. But, what do I know? They are just my feelings and all. As I got out of his car, and told him I'd "maybe see" him "later or something," he looked like he was going to crumble to the ground and uttered, "I wish you cared. I really need you to care again." Sorry, A, I told you what you were doing to me was too much. Go enjoy baby mama, lol. I am just over it.

J actually has been chatting me up lately. Seems to be jealous of A, too.... well, and any other guy who talks to me. Wanna know what's weird? I literally, completely do not give two shits.

I am just ready to move.

Xoxo

Runaround

20-something phone calls and at least 35 text messages later, A has finally calmed down.

I responded to 1 phone call and 2 texts. He is driving me crazy. He is threatening to show up at my house, my work, etc... wanting to know where I am. He can gtfo of my life.

My grandparents got beat up last week by people we have known literally forever, in a one-stoplight town... their hometown, at the church my great-greatgrandfather built. They have been in and out of the hospital for 9 days now. My grandmother is unrecognizable half the time and has a severe concussion. My grandfather, however, has no outer damage, but internally, he is falling to pieces. He has a catheter and is expending blood in his urine. Keep in mind, my grandparents are in their early 60s, and to go from fully functioning people who travel week to week, to people who are helpless has to be so demeaning.

My best friend's father had a heart attack... she is in California on vacation, and I nearly had a breakdown when she told me. Her dad happens to be J's dad, too.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm just trying to see the light.

xoxo

Hey.

It's been over a year since I've even written.

Ups and downs, and A is still destroying my heart most days. New best friends, and old ones, too; they are all still around, but seemingly I am alone most days.

I spend my mornings and evenings with A, and go to work for 10 hours.

Tennis is no longer an option, because I had shoulder/bicep surgery earlier this year.

Oddly enough, I love what I am doing. It's been a roller coaster the last 9 months. Here's a little update:

January 2nd was spent in ATL: Helllllllo 21st birthday! (My pants still have the holes in them to show how rough of a night it was!)

A and I stopped speaking for a little while, and I met J in February...maybe. Yeah, still talking to J every day, lol. Whoopsies.

March 27th, I had major surgery to repair my bicep--it split in half and came off my shoulder. I am iron woman now though, doing like 200 pushups and stuff. Ya know, the usual.

April 7th, I started working as a one-armed "life-stylist" at an Aveda salon. Also in April, A somehow found out where I was working and began showing up and e-mailing me, because I blocked his number.

Early May, yeah, A and I are tangled back up in our screwed up world. A

In May, I got my arm back, kinda.... 6 weeks of shoulder/arm sling hell. A

June, I hit my first tennis ball, damn I'm talented (I'm kidding, but I'm not). A

July, eh, nothing exciting, except for a lot of NYC searching on craigslist.... but I'll get to that later. A

August, I got a pay raise, and trained to be a manager!!!!!! Woooohoooooo!!!! Lot's of A. LOT'S OF A. My grandparents got beat up and put into the hospital, terrible. So beyond terrible. I am speechless about it.

And, to September, we got new makeup at work, and I decided not to speak to A.... as of last night.... when babymama blew my phone up.... well, being the mature lady that I am, not, I laid into her and destroyed her little rose colored glasses.

It doesn't seem rough, but if you only knew all the bullshit with A.

Anyways, to NYC, my bff C and I (we also work together :)) are moving in February to the big apple.

Dreams really do come true.

Sorry for the delayed and honestly, quite terrible entry.

Til next time!

XoXo