Writings to my Brother. Postings to my Blog.

When will I know what the hell I'm doing? I'm going back to school online in January, ya know, so I can finally graduate. Sometimes, I really hate that I am in New York doing nothing that is remotely going towards my career, but I know I am learning a lot here and the city has taught me so much. I am learning how to handle people, too, and how to handle myself in very tough situations, but most days I really hate that I am not going forward in the career that I want--coaching. I love tennis more than anything, and I wake up most days hating where I am at and what I am doing--loving where I am working, because it's a really amazing company--but then, at the end of the day, I am usually happy to go see out family, but then it all ends by midnight, and I wish I was waking up the next day to coach or to exercise or to be outdoors even. 

The worst part is, I stay here, because I don't want to fail and for my pride. All New York has done is shit on my face and knock me down, yet I keep thinking if I stay here I will somehow make a push and move forward.

I know come Spring it will be different, because I have clients who have searched for me and contacted me via LinkedIn to teach their kids and such. But, I don't know, Bobby. I'm so worried that I am just wasting my time.

I also want to graduate, but I am going to be so far in debt graduating here, because I will probably have to use some of my student loan to live off of--which is okay, because then I guess I could be less stressed out and enjoy the city for a year or so while I graduate. 

I hope to be a graduate assistant come next January, because I will graduate in December. Maybe I should start looking at schools? Maybe I want to be a college coach?

I just don't know. I'm so scared that I am never going to be happy or settled or anything. I'm scared I'm always going to run around and never pick one place and grow roots. I'm scared to not see Nanny, and I miss our family so much.

And, after all that, if I am a graduate assistant, where will I go? Where will I get my masters, and WHO will accept me?

Maybe this is just how 22 is supposed to feel, but 23 is approaching too rapidly.

xo

Southern thoughts are lingering in my head...

I guess it's the struggle? Or the scenery? Or the lack of passion in my life? But, one thing or another is always calling me back to my mountains, and I really just don't know.

I miss home so much, and I really miss my family. They mean everything to me. I have family here. I have Alexis, who is my closest family member outside of my immediate family, but I miss my dad, my dog, my home. I feel like I always write about home sickness; it's just my reality. I am always searching for everything I don't have rather than being grateful and seeing all the beauty that surrounds me each moment that I breathe.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am going no where, and I am running in circles, going backwards to a place that I don't want to be. But, then, I leave work and run up 12 blocks and I am greeted in a bar by cousins I never saw growing up, and I realize how amazing this place can be.

Most days, I realize that I am searching for something I already have--happiness--but I am longing for a love I cannot live without, and maybe that's what keeps me running in circles. I am always looking for a place to call my home and a person to call my love.

Sigh