6 weeks and 4 kilos.

Today makes is 41 days, 1 day less than 6 weeks. Yesterday marked 6 weeks and 4 kilos. I have lost 3 kilos so far, and it has only been two weeks. Hopefully, I will make it down to about 63 or 64 kilos. That is my goal.

As for the next few weeks here... I don't know how to deal. I have cried nonstop every night, and I haven't slept. I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt on my shoulders, too. 1) This opportunity is incredible, and yet, I still feel such a need to return home. 2) I left home after that stupid dream thing knowing I shouldn't have. 3) There is guilt about not seeing my Nanny. I promised myself I will be at her house at least 2 times a week this Summer. I guess I just have to make the best of my time here. I can't change when I leave, and I cannot get home sooner--as much as I hate that. I made a commitment, and I must stick with the consequences.

You know it's bad when even exercising does not make me feel one bit better. I am aching with pain all the time, and my back has started hurting again. That's how much pain I am feeling and how bad I want to go home.

More guilt set in when I realized that I missed my other best friend's first child be born. I am SO upset. I was the first person to know that she was pregnant--even before her husband, and I wasn't there. I missed Riley being born, and I am going to miss the first couple months of his life. I cannot wait to get back and hold him! He's so beautiful, and we all know how ugly babies usually are at birth... this little shit wasn't ugly at all! <3

I go to Milan tomorrow... I am kinda excited about that. Too bad I refuse to spend money, because I must come back with at least 1700 euros. I'm really crazy.

Forty-one days left to see some of Europe. Forty-one days left to feel guilt. Forty nights left to be alone. Still, I have a glimpse of hope. Like Mom said, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

<3