Insanity

I heard back from the director of the tennis academy in NYC that I wish to teach at, and he told me he is waiting for the executive to tell him which clubs I will be needed at. Fingers still crossed for a positive response and for a January move to NYC.

Is everyone always waiting for something or someone? I mean if the director of the biggest tennis academy in NYC is still waiting for his superior to give him the okay, who else is he waiting on? Does the executive have a superior? J is waiting for his dream girl to open her eyes--which she should and I'll get to that later. Callie is waiting on me to get an approval letter. I am waiting on the approval of the executive. My manager is. A is. My parents are. I typically am used to grabbing life by the balls and not waiting, but doing... unless it comes to relationships.

Which leads me to this:
I have finally stopped waiting on A. Three years. Three years. I have spent three years waiting on A to: change, to mature, to stop screwing up, and to be truthful. I mean, what was I thinking? I know I get lonely, hence J, but damn, three years is a long time to be waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if J is doing the same thing with the girl he wants to be with. I mean, he told me he waited 2 years to tell her how he felt (which, ironically, he told her the day before she moved back to Texas), and that he thinks that has something to do with his feelings for her. But, I don't get it, and I don't know why I don't understand. I mean, I waited on A for three years, and it really took J being gentle with me, calm, honest--truly honest--with me to realizing A is unhealthy. I always knew he was abusive in some ways, but I just kinda brushed it off and waited for it to get better.

Those three years could have been spent with someone like J. Those would have been three happy years, not three miserable ones. I thus conclude that I have been insane the three last years--repeating the same actions, expecting new results, but getting the same ones. I am so done with that life-style.

My whole life truthfully has been filled with insanity; from tennis to my eating habits to my relationships, I always act in repetitive manors. It's time I actually stick to something I say I'm going to do, rather than forgetting or giving up within a few days only to attempt again in a few weeks. Sigh.

Getting back to J, that girl is so stupid. He is amazing. Sure he's lazy and a little unsure of himself, but that boy knows how to treat a woman, how to love one, and where he comes from. Most of all, that boy loves his family, his mom; he loves children; he loves her. I can only dream of finding someone like him.

So, while I understand that I still will have to wait on some things--such as my job approval--I realize now that I don't have to wait on anyone to change or grow or mature.

I realize I make my choices and decisions, and I need to base those choices and decisions on what I deserve.

And I deserve platinum, butterflies, and happiness.

xoxo