"But you, you've gone too far this time. 

You have neither reason nor rhyme with which

 to take this soul that is so rightfully mine."

-Mumford & Sons

Cool crisp air on Fall mornings tends to open my heart and mind just a little more every time I inhale. Letting go, during this time of year especially, has been tremendously helpful to my happiness. It's also allowing me to see the beauty in the things that are right in front of my face; most of all, letting go has allowed me to realize a little more of my self-value.

This soul is rightfully mine, given to me by the unseen, and no one should every be given the ability to control it. Yet, I was giving free-reign of it to the people who I was angry with. Obviously, I'm not little miss sweetie, lol. I still am slightly rude, but I will get there, slowly. 

Lifestyle changes, not changes that last a New York Minute.

xoxo


P.S. 
I bought leather pants yesterday. XD

Waking up

The cool air seems to make my mornings much better than the muggy summer heat, but it has the opposite effect on my heart.

While I'm not longing for A, I'm longing to not be alone. Waking up next to nothing makes me feel empty; seeing a picture of them together waking up makes me feel even emptier. And, it's hard to explain... While I don't care that they are together, it still feels like a slap in the face, and I also feel a slight bit of animosity towards their situation. I nearly sent her videos of us and pictures of us from Saturday night, but it's not even worth it.

Thank goodness for my best friends, though. K is coming over tomorrow for a girls day, and I'm going to her house after The Walk on Wednesday. C may come over tomorrow as well. Hair and face masks... joy.

J looked really cute today at work, my best friend's--C--brother, lol. We have amazing chemistry, and although I am not usually physically attracted to him, my heart beats hard for his personality. He's just calm. And sweet. And funny. Three things I haven't been around in a while with a man. We're just friends, for the most part, but he has slipped in a few kisses lately. He kisses so gently, and he hugs me so strong. Two things A has always failed to do.

And, as I type that, A starts blowing my phone up and calling me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get away.

Xoxo

And today, I'll finally decide to let myself be happy.

To steal a quote from my best friend's blog, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled and it has made all the difference."

I actually always seem to take the road less traveled by, the more difficult road, the road with more rocks and hills to climb over, the road that you cannot use cruise control on, and somehow, I always find a way to make it work.

A told me this is what he most admires about me--my drive, my ability to do anything I want with little effort, just extreme focus. And, I guess that's what I love most about him, his ability to see what I can do, and never thinking that something is unachievable for me... right down to me leaving him again and moving to the Big Apple.

However, leaving him used to be the one thing I was unable to accomplish, yet I have grown. The tears are less frequent, and the visits are fewer by the week, but my heart will always be his. I am learning to accept that, and to be happy despite my loneliness.

My best friend and I have finally rekindled our romance--lol. Honestly, having her back makes me feel so much more secure. I love her. I am so proud of her. She too is taking a slightly bumpier road than most, and it probably has something to do with the man who destroyed her heart the same way A has destroyed mine. She no longer cares, like me, yet still gets up and puts on a smile every morning. I admire that so much. She so positive, and loving, despite her past. She's really helping me to see where I need to get myself back to. She reminds me of my other best friend, C. Both, scared, yet so positive that it almost deflects the fears they have. They don't cuss or boast or think they are better than they are. They are amazing, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

I have no idea how I am going to make NYC work. I am not scared though. I am not unsure. I know this road is going to be far more difficult than any before, but I also know I can push through and make it. I have an amazing support system, and I have the drive to do whatever I want. And, while my shoes may get a little broken down and my body a little more worn down, I know I can figure it out. I know I can make this work and be happy again and be happy in my new city.

While my heart has been stuck in Knoxville, TN for the last 3 years, I am hoping NYC will be able to steal it; I hope it can break it free from the unfaithful hands it's been held hostage by.

I'm starting fresh today. I need to be happy with myself again.

I need to remember that I can always make it work. I need to simply remember who I am, and that the road less traveled by is not difficult, its an exciting challenge that will only make me stronger.

xoxo