Clouds

And, not the pretty kind. The kind that hang over in the sky and look down on us in with ominous glares.

Needless to say, I'm having the worst day since I moved to New York. I feel myself shutting down and pulling away. I do not feel welcome at work, or like I have the ability to grow here. Excluded is the word I am looking for. I feel excluded. I don't know if this is my own mind tricking me, or if the excluding is real.

I miss my father. I miss our time together on the court. I miss Knoxville and the grass.

Everyone keeps telling Callie and me to hold out until Summer. They say it will have a whole different feel, and that we will meet people who are more like us. My favorite client basically begged me to not leave, and is so serious about me staying that he said he'd set me up with his friends who are "much younger than" him. ;) Honestly, he is what brings me to work every day. He is amazing.

Did I mention we went to a "ball" dressed in Free People? Did I mention that we made the paper? Not even 6 weeks into our new lives, we already made the paper.

Yet, I cannot help but to question my decisions in moving here, and I really cannot put my finger on why I am questioning it.

It's probably the loneliness, the lack of affection. Which is all my fault, and tomorrow, I 100% plan on speaking to this guy I see nearly every day at the gym--if he is there.

It's funny that the things I hate most about the South (bullshit and religion) are completely forgotten when I leave, and all I can remember is the fried food, family and friendships that I left behind to live out my dreams of New York.

Maybe, just maybe, today won't be so difficult after all.

xoxo

Over when it's over.

"It's just over when it's over, ain't it baby, ain't it?

Rip ya like a dagger; can't it baby, can't it?

Wish we could do it over; damn it, baby, damn it.
We had it in the air, but we just couldn't land it."
Eric Church, Over When It's Over

And, it's time to move on. I guess I realized that 24 year olds are still children, because he knows he is screwing up, but he can't possibly stop doing it.

That's okay, though. His loss. Especially when he knows he cannot do better. Ironically, he got pissed when I tweeted about the "sexiest guy I know." Yeah, that guy just asked for my number. You're welcome.

It hurts still, and as hard as it is, I have to allow myself to be hurt. I have to hurt before I can move on. And, when I think about it, I realize how stupid I was to ever get my hopes up for someone who has no hope for their own life.

Lesson learned.

New day and beginnings. 

xoxo

P.S. This guy next to me smells like Austin. That hurts.

MY Gills Are Grumpy

My entire life has been spent a little on a the grumpy side. Which isn't something I enjoy or I am proud of needless to say. I'm always reaching for optimum happiness, but only seem to get there for a few days at a time. No, I'm not depressed, I only have anxiety when it's called for, and I have no real reason to be so melancholy.

I was reading a new article on the growing number of women who are losing emotion, lacking emotional reactions to situations. Whether it's their boyfriend breaking up with them, or their coworker getting a raise when they should not have, women are settling. It makes sense. To act like, and soon truly not care, you lose your ability to have any sort of happiness or anger or frustration or any other healthy emotion to the situation.

I'm deemed autistic--Aspergers. So, obviously some of my ridiculousness cannot be redeemed, but there is absolutely no reason I should be blocking out every single emotion except anger.

So, for the next week, I am going to have J work on my emotions and expressions.

Wish me luck!

xoxo

Suddenly thinking about the future......

I literally caught myself searching for: 'What are the best cities to raise an athlete in America?'

As if I will be married and have children any time soon. But, it got me thinking. Be prepared, because I am currently homesick. Where do I see myself in 10 years?

I have goals such as: owning and running my own tennis academy, make-up franchising, being married/having children. But, where do I want those goals to take place?

Tennis in Knoxville obviously isn't the best, but could it be? Do I really want to raise a family away from my own family? Could the make-up industry work in Knoxville? Do I want to stay in a city that is growing faster in population than it can keep up with?

Tennis in New York, not exactly tennis academy material, but the schools here are amazing and the people in East Hampton are lovely. Then, there's the city. My love. Not my life, though.

California? Terrible economy, but great athletics and education systems in the wealthier locations. Beautiful weather and a health-focus society to raise children in. Downside: a vein society to raise children in.

Texas? My home-state's sister state. Meaning, my children could attend university in Tennessee or Texas with the same in-state tuition benefits. Amazing athletics and fairly proper education systems near Austin. Totally consistent amounts of bimbos = downside.

I have always had a love for Georgia, though. And, their tennis is fantastic. Just, please, keep me away from Atlanta.

Strangely, I want to be on the coast--another downside of Knoxville--because I feel like the ocean itself comes with more open minded people. (Can we exclude Daytona, Panama City, and Tampa Florida?)

Oh, and as nasty as Tampa is, and as much as I hate on it, and as much as I hate the heat, the tennis in their near-by town, Bradenton, comes with the ultimate in tennis.

Boca Ritan, Florida: amazing tennis, gorgeous weather, but such a wealthy, stuck-up part of the country.

And, back to Knoxville, my love of South Knoxville and my love of Farragut. My love of my father and the way he can manipulate a tennis ball. My love of the freedom I have by working at Fox Den--the vacations I can take, the benefits I can be offered, the closeness to my family.

I just cannot decide. Maybe, J is the key factor. I need his perspective.

Time to wake him up!

xoxo

General Explanations

There are so many things I have yet to understand.

Ya know, I am never going to be a size zero super model. My hair is never going to be sleek. My clothing choices are always and have always been slightly odd. I rarely wear makeup; hell, I rarely have my hair out of a bun. I do not look remotely like the girl next door. And, while I completely understand this, most people do not.

I am comfortable in my skin, being who I am, but the people I meet on a daily basis are not--are not comfortable with who I am. It is so peculiar. How can someone who barely knows me want me to be someone other than who I am?

It is almost as if they try to fill their voids with wanting to alter my physical and emotional states. I too am guilty of this. I see absolutely gorgeous people, and I think, "Well, they should tweeze this eyebrow more. He should cut his hair a little shorter. He needs to shave his beard, etc." I have to constantly remind myself that maybe that is exactly what they like, and maybe, they are exactly who they want to be.

Xoxo


PS: I bought a car :)

.

I suppose everyone has their breaking point.

I've hit mine with A. I blocked his number for real this time. I cannot stand feeling the pain I feel every-single-time I see him with her. It's over, and I'm going to cut it off.

Xoxo

Beach. Beach. Beach.

I always forget how the ocean water makes me feel. There's something about it that calms me, and being able to walk to it every morning is priceless.

I am happy for the first time in a long time. I am happy being with myself. I am happy where I am working, but most of all, I am happy and completely content with living here.

Being at the beach reminds me of all the crazy times I have spent in the Gulf of Mexico (mostly St. Petersburg and Clearwater). From the first time Scott and I vacationed together to the first time A met my grandparents, and all the way on the opposite end of the spectrum, the first road trip my best friend and I took. Reminiscing about it brings me to tears, happy tears, I think. The sun beating down on my skin and being wrapped in the arms of the man I loved. Drinking wine out of tumblers and feeding seagulls (and boy hunting, obvs).

I cannot help wondering if this Summer is going to bring me the same happiness, and if J is going to be the leading man. He says he wants to move here, you know. And, what's even more crazy, I think I may actually want him to. Part of me wants to be wild and crazy and single, and the other part sees the way he treats me and how it feels being loved on. He's the sweetest guy I know. He reminds me of my dad.

Well, I found it, happiness, but we all know that I will be searching for it again in a year or so. Hell, I may even move to California. You never know. (My bestie better come visit me before I move!!!!!)

xoxo