One month later.

It has been a month since my last post, and today was the first true Summerish day in East Hampton. I spent it on the beach and on the courts. And, now, I am finishing up an absolutely perfect day by cooking.

I currently do not have much to discuss, so here's a picture to enlighten how I feel.

Happy Friday everyone.

xoxo

Days off.

My days off are more like days on. I spend them running around town getting all of my weekly chores done: buying groceries, taking out the trash, doing my laundry, getting fuel for my vehicle, and really just getting my ducks in a row. Thankfully, those ducks are finally lining up.

Yesterday, I made seven hundred and twenty dollars. That is $720. How ever you want to say it, I made more than enough to cover my rent in one day. My most favorite client stopped me to tell me that I should be proud and very happy with my quick build-up of a clientele within the last few months. What he does not realize is that the biggest feat of all is that I have stayed here longer than anywhere else that I am ever lived--excluding my hometown--and that I have managed to live in the Hamptons for going 5 months now. I have been at my current job 16 weeks as of May 2, 2013, and as of right now, I could not be happier.

Last week was tough, nearly miserable. But, my lovely roommate and I have managed to work things out together, talk everything over and fix all of our current issues (she finally got a full-time job!)

The sun is not shining, the air is only slightly warm enough to get away with simply long sleeves and pants (as opposed to a winter jacket), and I just used the last bit of cash to finish off my weekly chore-list...you guys want to know a secret? I am happy.

xoxo

April showers bring May flowers.

We hear this phrase throughout our entire childhood; being a child of the South, I grew up wondering why we sang songs about April showers and May flowers. See, where I grew up, February showers (sometimes January showers) bring March (and some February) flowers. Well, April is here in the North, and so are the showers.

I have missed the rain, the smell, the quiet before the storm. Mostly, I have missed the sound of the birds chirping following a brisk Spring storm. Yesterday, I saw lightening for the first time in half of a year. It was miraculous. What was even more miraculous: the 70 degree sun beating on my skin moments before the storm rolled in off the ocean.

Backtracking to Monday, I spent the warm Spring day in The City. Central Park was full of bikers, runners and children laughing; every moment of that day was spent blissfully. It was the first time I have been in the city during a Spring day--a warm, sunny Spring day. While it is a slight let-down that I do not get to wake in The City every day, I am learning to appreciate my quant (and sweet) community in Sag Harbor.

As the warm air is rolling in each morning, I am breathing it in, smelling the ocean and opening my heart and mind to the North Eastern shoreline.

I am happy, and that's all I really ever wanted.

xoxo

Flare up.

So, here I am. Having yet another set-back in my life. I had a psoriatic flair up, and I couldn't move for three days. My shoulder is killing me, and while I'm terrified it's from arthritis, I am more terrified that I have somehow obtained bursitis.

My face has swollen red spots on it, my knuckles are red and inflamed, and my back feels like I'm 99 years old.

At this point, it's so hard to be positive. It is so hard not to run away and go back home.

I'm 22 and my body is failing me, for the umpteenth time in my life.

Clouds

And, not the pretty kind. The kind that hang over in the sky and look down on us in with ominous glares.

Needless to say, I'm having the worst day since I moved to New York. I feel myself shutting down and pulling away. I do not feel welcome at work, or like I have the ability to grow here. Excluded is the word I am looking for. I feel excluded. I don't know if this is my own mind tricking me, or if the excluding is real.

I miss my father. I miss our time together on the court. I miss Knoxville and the grass.

Everyone keeps telling Callie and me to hold out until Summer. They say it will have a whole different feel, and that we will meet people who are more like us. My favorite client basically begged me to not leave, and is so serious about me staying that he said he'd set me up with his friends who are "much younger than" him. ;) Honestly, he is what brings me to work every day. He is amazing.

Did I mention we went to a "ball" dressed in Free People? Did I mention that we made the paper? Not even 6 weeks into our new lives, we already made the paper.

Yet, I cannot help but to question my decisions in moving here, and I really cannot put my finger on why I am questioning it.

It's probably the loneliness, the lack of affection. Which is all my fault, and tomorrow, I 100% plan on speaking to this guy I see nearly every day at the gym--if he is there.

It's funny that the things I hate most about the South (bullshit and religion) are completely forgotten when I leave, and all I can remember is the fried food, family and friendships that I left behind to live out my dreams of New York.

Maybe, just maybe, today won't be so difficult after all.

xoxo

Over when it's over.

"It's just over when it's over, ain't it baby, ain't it?

Rip ya like a dagger; can't it baby, can't it?

Wish we could do it over; damn it, baby, damn it.
We had it in the air, but we just couldn't land it."
Eric Church, Over When It's Over

And, it's time to move on. I guess I realized that 24 year olds are still children, because he knows he is screwing up, but he can't possibly stop doing it.

That's okay, though. His loss. Especially when he knows he cannot do better. Ironically, he got pissed when I tweeted about the "sexiest guy I know." Yeah, that guy just asked for my number. You're welcome.

It hurts still, and as hard as it is, I have to allow myself to be hurt. I have to hurt before I can move on. And, when I think about it, I realize how stupid I was to ever get my hopes up for someone who has no hope for their own life.

Lesson learned.

New day and beginnings. 

xoxo

P.S. This guy next to me smells like Austin. That hurts.

MY Gills Are Grumpy

My entire life has been spent a little on a the grumpy side. Which isn't something I enjoy or I am proud of needless to say. I'm always reaching for optimum happiness, but only seem to get there for a few days at a time. No, I'm not depressed, I only have anxiety when it's called for, and I have no real reason to be so melancholy.

I was reading a new article on the growing number of women who are losing emotion, lacking emotional reactions to situations. Whether it's their boyfriend breaking up with them, or their coworker getting a raise when they should not have, women are settling. It makes sense. To act like, and soon truly not care, you lose your ability to have any sort of happiness or anger or frustration or any other healthy emotion to the situation.

I'm deemed autistic--Aspergers. So, obviously some of my ridiculousness cannot be redeemed, but there is absolutely no reason I should be blocking out every single emotion except anger.

So, for the next week, I am going to have J work on my emotions and expressions.

Wish me luck!

xoxo