Loss.

The loss of a best friend is becoming harder than the loss of a love. But, how could I expect any different from a man? Jealousy and angst are not a good combination for any of us.

Jump.

I'm sitting here, realizing my last few posts have been absolutely pointless and slightly selfish (well, I guess selfish is just fine considering this is my blog). I'm also sitting here thinking about what to do with my life. I recently was contacted about being an Au Pair... I gave the guy a call as soon as I received the e-mail. Well, apparently he liked me, because I wasn't supposed to start until January, but he asked me to start next week--does that mean he's firing his current Au Pair? And, in reality, it's not a true Au Pair... I'm only live-in when he is out of town. I am truly excited, but when am I not when it involves kids? This new job has got me thinking about European Au Pair jobs..... :) 'Course my dad said, "You're asking to get sold into sex-slavery."

It's just there are so many things I want to do, but I don't realize what those things are? I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I just don't know how to express my craving for a life other than the one I live. It's not that I don't love my life. I absolutely, positively am so grateful and blessed for what I have and will have in the future. My life is beautiful, challenging, surprising and rewarding. I truly couldn't ask for a better life. But, I want more. I want experiences, I want to feel lost in a new country, a new city or even just the woods. I want to challenge of starting completely from scratch, on my own, with out the help of my parents and see where I can get to and what I can accomplish. I want to find myself alone in NYC and see how I could survive. I want to back-pack across Italy without speaking the language or knowing the culture. My dad says I am a dumbass for wanting that, but unlike him, I am not scared to take that leap. I have faith and trust in myself, and that is all I need to survive in the world. Money is easy to come by. Hell, right now, I walk a dog for 15 minutes twice a week and get $20 for that... think if I walked multiple dogs. I get paid $100 a day to drive a kid from school, be free between 7 a.m. and 2 p.m., take him home, cook him dinner and help him with his homework. I get paid $35 an hour to teach tennis (soon to be $40 ;] ), and enjoy every moment of it. Money is easy, but being on my own in a huge city or foreign country is not.

Mainly, I want to take risks. Fail, succeed, yes or no. They are all simple answers to my actions. I will never get out of this town if I don't take a giant leap.

Finally, there are only 6 weeks of school left. Thank goodness. And, the best part of all is that I will be in NYC soon enough. December 30th, I am longing for you. Fashion, my favorite cousin, frozen rain, and fantastically busy atmospheres. I am so ready.

Oh! Also, I have started to make a list of "must do's"..... cliche` and I don't really need it, but, maybe, it will help me decided what it is that I want to accomplish.
<3

Have I said...

that I am sick of feeling gross (physically)? Well, it's officially time to get my body back. I was looking at picture of me from May '09... I want that back. No more benges.
Body, here I come

There's something 'bout boots and boys.

Oh, Fall, you excite me! There's something 'bout boots and boys. ;)

I'm so giddy for hiking, biking, football, hot chocolate, cold starry nights, scarves, boots (!!!!), color changes, photo-shoots, MY VERY MISSED NORTH-FACE JACKET, Halloween--anyone?--my best friends and a campfire... okay I'm pretty much excited for everything that has to do with Fall.

Kelly and I are going to one of our good friends party; we're going to be a football player (me) and a ref (Kelly). Classy women. This just simply means, no matter the lovely birth-control weight gain and cravings... I'm going to have to counteract it and run my ass (literally) off. F. M. L. Plus, my last pair of pearl earrings broke. Good-bye cussing.

I came home to my parents house to do my laundry, but one of my favorite people lives down the road, so I met up with him. I was able to get the worst thoughts and feelings off my chest. Thanks boo. It felt good to completely open up about my wrong doing and my pain, and it felt good to have someone to lean on. And he's right. I can't keep waiting around, because what happens when that plane takes off again? I'll be left in the same spot. Yeah, it will feel good while he's here, but when he leaves I'll be alone again, and back in this pinch.

So, here's to yet another deep breath and fresh start, lol.
This time, the air is crisp and the breeze may be cool, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't still warm. :)

Cool weather hopefully doesn't mean a cold heart.

     The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" brings me to tears every time I hear it. It hits my heart so hard. I remember a little over a year ago when I could have died, when I felt dead inside, when I felt dead on the court and in the class room. I remember how heart wrenching that time was, but I also reflect on how much I have learned.
     And sometimes, I feel like no matter how much I've learned that I will never find that feeling again. That feeling is to know that someone loves me the way I love them. It's so hard wanting what I can't have, or feeling like I did something wrong. My mom the other day said, "Miranda, I have no doubt in my mind that Scott would make a great father, husband, that you two could be happy, but, Miranda, he is an alcoholic." And, in reality, he is. It just made me feel like he was the man I was supposed to marry, and I will never get that again. Of course, him telling me no one will ever love me again over and over again probably didn't help much either. And, strangely enough, Scott is not the one I miss. No matter how deeply in love with him I was, he is not the one I miss.
     And that is possibly the most heart breaking thing of all. That I am chasing after a hopeless dream; someone who will never admit that they love me, even if they do. Someone who is as scared as I am.

Sighs of relief.

I look at how beautiful it is outside; everyday it shocks me. I know I won't stay here, but I also know Knoxville, TN is the most beautiful place in the world.

I am so happy. I am so myself. I love this feeling. I love my life, but I am ready to experience and live my college life. I have decided to join a sorority. Anyone who knows me will drop their jaw when they first read that, but I'm ready to branch out.

The next step is getting my parents to support my decision and to apply for scholarships--lots and lots. I have the rest of my life to work. I'm sorry guys. I just don't want to miss what I have been missing. I don't want to keep on going in a constant hazy bustle. I'm always so stressed and pushed; I want this time to relax. I don't want to feel like I have to rush through college. I want to cherish it.

I mean clearly, I still want to keep my FD job and teach a little on the side, but I am ready to digress a bit. I'm ready to breath for a moment, but most of all, I'm ready to stop this haze and really see the beauty and greatness around me.

<3<3

September ties.

Fall, for the first time in my life, I can truly say I have missed you. Welcome back. I miss the big sweatshirts and the cool air flowing in my lungs. Early morning calm skies. I missed the sun that warms you and the breeze that is chilling. Ahh, relief. I am happy.

Sometimes, I question what is going on inside some people's heads. The thought that you can take anger out on another person for no reason at all. And, I realize I used to be so guilty of this--like most I still am sometimes, but I try to hard to not ever reach this level. I mostly, and sadly, only each this level with my parents, and I feel so terrible for that. We've had our brawls, but honestly, besides 2 people... two non-family members in my life, they have always--especially my mom--been there for me. The best part about them is their willingness to help me out... in the beginning of me giving up my scholarships they were furious with me, but they see my happiness and they are willing to help in any situation--not that I am always willing to let them. I am so grateful for the family I have. I really couldn't ever need for anything. I do want better relationships though, and I think that will be the most rewarding step I have taken this year... To try to repair and allow my relationship with my mom to grow. It is work on both sides, and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows how difficult it is for me--trying to separate my mom and my friend (mom as a friend). I hope she knows that I wish she was my best friend, but at the same time I can't be 100% open with her for fear of her judgments or lectures, and this is exactly what she hates about her mother's and her relationship. I'm nearly 20 years old--terrifying as that is--and I think it's time for a friend who will always be there--my Mom. Now, it's just time to convince her to let go of 100% mom and 0% friend, and become 25% mom and 75% friend. Don't think she's quite up for that one yet. :)

September: a month for repairing broken ties and sloshy relationships.

:)