January 2

We officially move in 3 days.... on my birthday.

I have no guarantee for a job, or really anything, but we're going to have to just trust ourselves and our abilities. I have had two places from the city contact me within the last couple of days, so I am setting up a meeting with each for the first week.

My life is crazy.

With A out, and J half way in, I am totally lost.

I talk to J all day, see him whenever I can, but it's just not happening.... totally against my will. But, I told him he would regret not holding onto me when I am gone, and he agrees. Yet, he doesn't want to just have me and claim me?

Men make no sense.

Lezzzzzzzzzzzzzzbihonest.

I wish I could like vaginas.

No, no, I do not. Gross.

Penises forever!

xoxo 

The Hamptons.

It's official. We're moving to the Hamptons. Our notices have been posted to the owners of our company and they are fully aware and accepting of our move in January.

We're basically living in an episode of Gossip Girl. We found a cottage we are hopeful to live in for a few months while we wait for a chance for me to go to a club that is in the city--preferably Randall's Island.

Yet, I don't even know how to feel. Anxious? Excited? Sad? Relieved? Scared?

The last thing I want to do is leave A, yet it's all I want to do. I am so confused and angry. I am embarrassed for my behavior, and it terrifies me that I could and did physically hurt someone I love. And, to watch tears rolling down his face as he looks at me and says, "You hurt me." I see how broken he is. I was naive to think I was the broken one, or the one being controlled. I am just as tainted as he is. And, what did I say back to his sad words? "Now, I hope you understand how I've felt for two years." He apologized. Not me. Blood was running down his arms, and I felt like I was in a alternate universe or a movie, because how could I ever do that?

He just looked at me as I refused to say another word, and kissed me, and told me he loved me over and over again. Apologized for it all. Over and over again.

I went to bed crying. I woke up crying. The best news of the year, and the worst evening of my life.

I don't even know what to think or do. I wish we could just run away.

xoxo

Insanity

I heard back from the director of the tennis academy in NYC that I wish to teach at, and he told me he is waiting for the executive to tell him which clubs I will be needed at. Fingers still crossed for a positive response and for a January move to NYC.

Is everyone always waiting for something or someone? I mean if the director of the biggest tennis academy in NYC is still waiting for his superior to give him the okay, who else is he waiting on? Does the executive have a superior? J is waiting for his dream girl to open her eyes--which she should and I'll get to that later. Callie is waiting on me to get an approval letter. I am waiting on the approval of the executive. My manager is. A is. My parents are. I typically am used to grabbing life by the balls and not waiting, but doing... unless it comes to relationships.

Which leads me to this:
I have finally stopped waiting on A. Three years. Three years. I have spent three years waiting on A to: change, to mature, to stop screwing up, and to be truthful. I mean, what was I thinking? I know I get lonely, hence J, but damn, three years is a long time to be waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if J is doing the same thing with the girl he wants to be with. I mean, he told me he waited 2 years to tell her how he felt (which, ironically, he told her the day before she moved back to Texas), and that he thinks that has something to do with his feelings for her. But, I don't get it, and I don't know why I don't understand. I mean, I waited on A for three years, and it really took J being gentle with me, calm, honest--truly honest--with me to realizing A is unhealthy. I always knew he was abusive in some ways, but I just kinda brushed it off and waited for it to get better.

Those three years could have been spent with someone like J. Those would have been three happy years, not three miserable ones. I thus conclude that I have been insane the three last years--repeating the same actions, expecting new results, but getting the same ones. I am so done with that life-style.

My whole life truthfully has been filled with insanity; from tennis to my eating habits to my relationships, I always act in repetitive manors. It's time I actually stick to something I say I'm going to do, rather than forgetting or giving up within a few days only to attempt again in a few weeks. Sigh.

Getting back to J, that girl is so stupid. He is amazing. Sure he's lazy and a little unsure of himself, but that boy knows how to treat a woman, how to love one, and where he comes from. Most of all, that boy loves his family, his mom; he loves children; he loves her. I can only dream of finding someone like him.

So, while I understand that I still will have to wait on some things--such as my job approval--I realize now that I don't have to wait on anyone to change or grow or mature.

I realize I make my choices and decisions, and I need to base those choices and decisions on what I deserve.

And I deserve platinum, butterflies, and happiness.

xoxo

Job Interview

Monday, November 5, 2012 at 9:30 a.m.

I cannot comprehend this. NYC could be a week away.

xoxo

Welcome to the danger zone

It's becoming real. I'm still waiting for a job offer, but soon, I hope it to be here.

It's scarier than I thought. I am going to hate leaving the salon world, I may even work to keep some part of me in makeup. I mean, ultimately, I do want a career in makeup or in the beauty industry of the movies. That's a while from now though. Only to be realistic, tennis will need to be my main source of income regardless.

I'll get all the benefits I want if I get this dream job of mine. I'll get a workout center and a place to play tennis. I'll get a secure income with opportunity to expand and grow. And eventually, I'll be able to coach professionals.

I'm starting to get really confused about leaving A. He's really all I've had the last 3 years. Plus, he greeted me with this delicious coffee monster this morning--I blame him for my caffeine addiction.

I'm equally excited as I am sad to leave. But, it's time. NYC is calling my name.

Xoxo

Dreams really do come true.

Today, I was told by A that something life changing was going to happen.

Well, the academy director of the tennis academy in NYC that I want to teach at e-mailed me, and asked me for my resume.

My resume is honestly embarrassing, but hopefully, he will ask for more information.

My dreams of NYC are quickly becoming a reality.

xoxo

I have never been so confused in my life.

Will I ever be good enough? Or will I continuously be considered a run-around-worthy female?

xoxo