"alright goodnight ponceinboots"-me
"wait what?"-austin
"?"-me
"ponceinboots whats that?"- austin
"ponce-in-boots... puss-in-boots? DUH"- me
"i thought it was pussimboots"- austin
"hahahah no its a cat. in boots. literally in boots." - me
"i know he wears boots. but i thought for some reason his name was pussumboots" - austin
"hhahahahahah" -me
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Second chances and sacrifices.
If you are close to me, you know that my dreams of tennis went out the door on August 13, 2009. Well, I thought they did.
I couldn't handle it, mentally, for months--9. I would get angry on the court, break-down and walk away. Then, this past Summer, I picked up a racket with no anger. It was the first time, in a long time, that I could be happy on a court again. I could hit the ball again. I could serve. I could NOT move, lol, but I could hit. That probably was a big factor in my change this past year. I could finally enjoy tennis, again. And, honestly, I had never enjoyed tennis so much in my life. Even after a horrible appearance in a Southern tourny--somehow I won two matches--and so much anxiety that I puked before every match, I still wanted to play or at least give it a go. But, my parents said you need to finish school, and my dad didn't want to fund it or spend more than an hour a day on the court.
Today, after watching tennis every night for 2 months and not being able to forget about the last time I really worked my ass off on the court, I asked Dad for a second chance. Well, the second chance doesn't come with 5 hours on the court a day or me not going to school--which is my ideal. The second chance comes with a sacrifice from me, I will go to school part time and not expect 5 hours a day. And, for the first time in my life, I am finally willing to sacrifice MY time for the sport, not just my dad's. My head is finally in the right place, and I don't care about my "time", because I want my time to be spent on that court. I want it. Finally, I am willing to do it. As for my dad, I am giving him a second chance, and his sacrifice is to try not to yell and spend more time on the court with me, but most of all, to take me more serious than he has ever taken someone and to let me show him what I can do.
Second chances do exist, but sometimes to get that chance you have to sacrifice something you want, and I am so glad I did.
<3
I couldn't handle it, mentally, for months--9. I would get angry on the court, break-down and walk away. Then, this past Summer, I picked up a racket with no anger. It was the first time, in a long time, that I could be happy on a court again. I could hit the ball again. I could serve. I could NOT move, lol, but I could hit. That probably was a big factor in my change this past year. I could finally enjoy tennis, again. And, honestly, I had never enjoyed tennis so much in my life. Even after a horrible appearance in a Southern tourny--somehow I won two matches--and so much anxiety that I puked before every match, I still wanted to play or at least give it a go. But, my parents said you need to finish school, and my dad didn't want to fund it or spend more than an hour a day on the court.
Today, after watching tennis every night for 2 months and not being able to forget about the last time I really worked my ass off on the court, I asked Dad for a second chance. Well, the second chance doesn't come with 5 hours on the court a day or me not going to school--which is my ideal. The second chance comes with a sacrifice from me, I will go to school part time and not expect 5 hours a day. And, for the first time in my life, I am finally willing to sacrifice MY time for the sport, not just my dad's. My head is finally in the right place, and I don't care about my "time", because I want my time to be spent on that court. I want it. Finally, I am willing to do it. As for my dad, I am giving him a second chance, and his sacrifice is to try not to yell and spend more time on the court with me, but most of all, to take me more serious than he has ever taken someone and to let me show him what I can do.
Second chances do exist, but sometimes to get that chance you have to sacrifice something you want, and I am so glad I did.
<3
Friday, February 25, 2011
6 months.
It has been 6 months since I wrote my blog post, "Just Ask Me". I've gone through considerable changes since that post, and sometimes I wonder where I am going and what changes are upcoming.
I'm still that girl who loves too openly, but something has changed about that love. I love, but I do not trust nearly as much. I still forgive, but it cannot seem to forget. I still reach out to people who hate me, and I do not regret any moment of it. I am happy, unlike before, and I mean happy to my core. I am truly a happy person, now. But, with my happiness has come a guard on my heart, and maybe it has come with good reason. I am happy within myself, and I sometimes don't know if I ever want to be able to have that happiness taken away again. Yet, I put myself out there, and I met someone new (who woulda guessed that one HAHA). Someone like me. Someone who can get whatever he wants when he wants it, like me. Someone who has been hurt and broken WAY TOO MANY hearts, like me. Someone who doesn't care what people think, but most of all, I have met someone who accepts me for who I am--up or down, nice or mean. My only question is if I am willing to give it all again, and if I am willing to get hurt, because whether they mean it or not, they will always hurt us.
I'm still the girl who dreams of playing professional tennis, and all I think about is getting in shape, again. I'm still the girl who only has a couple friends, and who will cut someone off in a heartbeat. But, the love I have for my friends now is different. I love them with all my heart, but they do not make me or break me. I can finally rely on myself for happiness, again--like I could as a kid. Now, this does not mean I don't need people or my friends or family or boyfriend, because through all my self-sufficientness, I still have joy in my heart and soul when my loved-ones come around. I just do not rely on them for my warm-heartedness anymore, but through that, they bring me more joy than ever.
I'm still the girl who doesn't fix her hair and plays Xbox360 a little too much, and I still do not have fear for myself. I still can't feel pain, and I am still searching for a weakness. Most people don't find self-security until they are in their 30s, but I know my car-wreck (which I am now thankful for) really changed my perspective on life and that day, August 13, 2009, made me the strong person I am today. I'm secure, I'm strong, I'm self-sufficient and, most importantly, I am happy.
I'm still a gypsy soul, and I have no clue what I am doing with my life. I'm living one of my dreams, right now, and finding out that sometimes those dreams aren't how we imagined them. And, I am finally seeing that the grass isn't greener on the other side (or across the pond), and where ever I am standing is always going to be beautiful to me.
I'm more of an adrenaline junkie than ever, and I appreciate Knoxville, TN more than anywhere in the world. I realize how much I love my mom and how much she is willing to do for me. And, I finally know how much she loves me. I see that I took for granted the years of tennis I had, and I see where I could have made significant changes, but the difference is now, I do not regret it, because I am where I am in my life, because of those choices.
I still think elephants are the most incredible animals, and I finally got the tattoo on my side that I have been wanting. I'm finally trying to live my life how a Buddhist would--within reason, y'all. I'm able to bite my tongue for once in my life...okay, I can bite it to a certain point before I give the world a piece of my mind, and I'm still the girl who is a lover, but who will fight until the end. I still see my friends as family, and I want to break anyone who hurts them--sorry Buddha. The difference is, now, I let things roll. I see that some people just can't help their ignorance, and some people are too stupid to change their ignorance into knowledge.
I am still the girl who hates sitting in a desk and being told what to learn, but I have decided to go back to school.
I learned that the best things can be right in front of our noses for over a year, and it may have taken that long for us to notice for a reason. I learned that sometimes you sacrifice your pride to see others smile.
I still think a child's joy is the most blissful and beautiful thing on this Earth. I'm still the dreamer and think I can do anything.
I turn to music now and writing my blog to relieve my angst. I am working on not taking out my emotions on others, still, and it will take me a long time to finally work through my horrible life-long ways. But, I am getting there. Step by step, day by day. I am getting a little closer to being exactly who I strive to be, and I now see that even if I do not get "there," I will always, always be happy. "I'm Alive," by Kenny Chesney has helped put a perspective on the last few years of my life. I'm alive and well, and there is nothing that can bring me down anymore.
It's February 25, 2011. I have two weeks left in Italy. I cannot wait to get home. And, best of all, I'm still happy.
I'm still that girl who loves too openly, but something has changed about that love. I love, but I do not trust nearly as much. I still forgive, but it cannot seem to forget. I still reach out to people who hate me, and I do not regret any moment of it. I am happy, unlike before, and I mean happy to my core. I am truly a happy person, now. But, with my happiness has come a guard on my heart, and maybe it has come with good reason. I am happy within myself, and I sometimes don't know if I ever want to be able to have that happiness taken away again. Yet, I put myself out there, and I met someone new (who woulda guessed that one HAHA). Someone like me. Someone who can get whatever he wants when he wants it, like me. Someone who has been hurt and broken WAY TOO MANY hearts, like me. Someone who doesn't care what people think, but most of all, I have met someone who accepts me for who I am--up or down, nice or mean. My only question is if I am willing to give it all again, and if I am willing to get hurt, because whether they mean it or not, they will always hurt us.
I'm still the girl who dreams of playing professional tennis, and all I think about is getting in shape, again. I'm still the girl who only has a couple friends, and who will cut someone off in a heartbeat. But, the love I have for my friends now is different. I love them with all my heart, but they do not make me or break me. I can finally rely on myself for happiness, again--like I could as a kid. Now, this does not mean I don't need people or my friends or family or boyfriend, because through all my self-sufficientness, I still have joy in my heart and soul when my loved-ones come around. I just do not rely on them for my warm-heartedness anymore, but through that, they bring me more joy than ever.
I'm still the girl who doesn't fix her hair and plays Xbox360 a little too much, and I still do not have fear for myself. I still can't feel pain, and I am still searching for a weakness. Most people don't find self-security until they are in their 30s, but I know my car-wreck (which I am now thankful for) really changed my perspective on life and that day, August 13, 2009, made me the strong person I am today. I'm secure, I'm strong, I'm self-sufficient and, most importantly, I am happy.
I'm still a gypsy soul, and I have no clue what I am doing with my life. I'm living one of my dreams, right now, and finding out that sometimes those dreams aren't how we imagined them. And, I am finally seeing that the grass isn't greener on the other side (or across the pond), and where ever I am standing is always going to be beautiful to me.
I'm more of an adrenaline junkie than ever, and I appreciate Knoxville, TN more than anywhere in the world. I realize how much I love my mom and how much she is willing to do for me. And, I finally know how much she loves me. I see that I took for granted the years of tennis I had, and I see where I could have made significant changes, but the difference is now, I do not regret it, because I am where I am in my life, because of those choices.
I still think elephants are the most incredible animals, and I finally got the tattoo on my side that I have been wanting. I'm finally trying to live my life how a Buddhist would--within reason, y'all. I'm able to bite my tongue for once in my life...okay, I can bite it to a certain point before I give the world a piece of my mind, and I'm still the girl who is a lover, but who will fight until the end. I still see my friends as family, and I want to break anyone who hurts them--sorry Buddha. The difference is, now, I let things roll. I see that some people just can't help their ignorance, and some people are too stupid to change their ignorance into knowledge.
I am still the girl who hates sitting in a desk and being told what to learn, but I have decided to go back to school.
I learned that the best things can be right in front of our noses for over a year, and it may have taken that long for us to notice for a reason. I learned that sometimes you sacrifice your pride to see others smile.
I still think a child's joy is the most blissful and beautiful thing on this Earth. I'm still the dreamer and think I can do anything.
I turn to music now and writing my blog to relieve my angst. I am working on not taking out my emotions on others, still, and it will take me a long time to finally work through my horrible life-long ways. But, I am getting there. Step by step, day by day. I am getting a little closer to being exactly who I strive to be, and I now see that even if I do not get "there," I will always, always be happy. "I'm Alive," by Kenny Chesney has helped put a perspective on the last few years of my life. I'm alive and well, and there is nothing that can bring me down anymore.
It's February 25, 2011. I have two weeks left in Italy. I cannot wait to get home. And, best of all, I'm still happy.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
2 Weeks & 1 Day.
When I arrive home and don't have to rely on Skype as a means for communication I will be one happy camper. I won't turn on my laptop for a while--I can guarantee that. I definitely won't have my phone or even iPod near me, except for music purposes, and I will have Pandora--on Austin's phone--blaring 'MoTown Radio'. I will eat really nasty, greasy, absolutely delicious American food, and I will lift too heavy of weights. I am perfectly, completely happy to be coming home. I cannot wait to see my loves and my Nanny.
<3
<3
Monday, February 21, 2011
Permanent Ink.
I got a tattoo today, and I am in love. It looks better in person--when my arm is not stretched up. <3
 |
| Too bad it won't rotate. The Eye of Horus (right): wisdom power and health. The Ankh: is the key to life and death, sun over the horizon, men/women.and the crescent moon/star: joy, life, potency, fertility, birth, and rebirth. |
 |
| This dude was so awesome. It's a 3 month wait to get a tattoo by him... I some how got lucky, because 1 dude cancelled his appointment! |
I also got my belly-button pierced. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. The tattoo, well, I honestly enjoyed getting it. Screw ever redoing my belly if it heals up or something. <3 it though!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
No roaming in Rome for meee.
So, I was going to go to Rome on Monday, but that is not happening. Mild freak-outs from family and friends. Apparently, I must wait until I come back with someone, and then I can explore.
Here's something entertaining:
I'm apparently a "no-good, white-trash hoe" and "he couldn't handle anything more". Lol. Because, I'm the one knocked up with an illegitimate baby--the one only you and your mom want. Yep. But, no, I will not point fingers anymore. I will laugh, sweetie, because where were you the 6 weeks before I left when it was me and him every night at his apartment--when we were just friends mind you. So, maybe something is fishy, and maybe I haven't gotten the whole truth, but ya know.... the truth can only get twisted so much. And the fact is, you've been gone to us and now you ARE gone and I'm not. So, shut your trap, and learn how to fix your make up, please.
Finally, she went so off the deep-end and called me "white-trash" that even I have to laugh at the situation now.
Here's to new beginnings, and to not worrying about the cloud of bullshit. I know who I am, and I don't care if anyone else does. I know what I am, and that really is all that matters. No more pettiness. No more stressing over crap that is all fantasized in one pathetic person's mind. Nope. You do you. Imma keep doin' me.
<3
Here's something entertaining:
I'm apparently a "no-good, white-trash hoe" and "he couldn't handle anything more". Lol. Because, I'm the one knocked up with an illegitimate baby--the one only you and your mom want. Yep. But, no, I will not point fingers anymore. I will laugh, sweetie, because where were you the 6 weeks before I left when it was me and him every night at his apartment--when we were just friends mind you. So, maybe something is fishy, and maybe I haven't gotten the whole truth, but ya know.... the truth can only get twisted so much. And the fact is, you've been gone to us and now you ARE gone and I'm not. So, shut your trap, and learn how to fix your make up, please.
Finally, she went so off the deep-end and called me "white-trash" that even I have to laugh at the situation now.
Here's to new beginnings, and to not worrying about the cloud of bullshit. I know who I am, and I don't care if anyone else does. I know what I am, and that really is all that matters. No more pettiness. No more stressing over crap that is all fantasized in one pathetic person's mind. Nope. You do you. Imma keep doin' me.
<3
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Actions, baby, not words.
This morning I woke up to this,
"ve vin 10-4. and dee meats score wan for da ruuubes lol"
Now, to translate:
"We won 10-4, and I (meathead) scored one for the Rubes (me), lol."
It's always nice waking up to idiotic things such as that. Now, the next one was actually sweet from him, mild miracle. Still, when I get home, I think there is a big pile of bullshit that needs to be sniffed out, and we all know I am the one to do it. I won't let any lie get in the way, and if I have to read one more facebook update about how I "ruined" their happy family I will go bonkers.
One of my friend's blogs this morning really hit me hard. It was about death, and yeah, the basis was her dog's death last Valentine's Day, but she said on thing that hit me hard....
"Death isn't fair, ever. No matter how much notice you have, it still just sucks when you drive home with one less member of the family present."
And, it's so true. I do not fear death, but to think of someone so close to me just not being there, suddenly, is horrible and terrifying and down-right sad. So, I am setting a goal for myself. Love the people around me like it is their last day to be loved on Earth. I feel like, sometimes, all of us just take the loved one next to us for granted and forget that they can leave us instantly. I sure know I should hug my dad--because I never do--tell Mom how much I love her, appreciate the amazing Nanny I have, see my cousins more often, or tell my best friend how much she truly means to me, because I don't think she knows. And, maybe, I should stop being so thick-headed and realize maybe they mean it when they say they love me, too. Just like anyone, I feel under-appreciated all the time, and I feel like no one understands how much I put in. The fact is, I put my heart and soul into the people I love; sometimes, I just don't show it. I don't like showing how much I care or how much someone means to me. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. I think it's time for me to show just how much I care about, love and truly appreciate the people around me. I just have to figure it out now. Because, anyone can say "I love you", but not many people can show just how much they do love you. It's all about actions for me, and ironically, I do not think my actions apply to my words. So, starting today, even if I am 5000 miles away, I will work to better show the people around me how much they mean to me. Idk how the heck I'm gonna do this via Skype and Facebook, but maybe I can. Hell, it won't hurt to try.
<3
"ve vin 10-4. and dee meats score wan for da ruuubes lol"
Now, to translate:
"We won 10-4, and I (meathead) scored one for the Rubes (me), lol."
It's always nice waking up to idiotic things such as that. Now, the next one was actually sweet from him, mild miracle. Still, when I get home, I think there is a big pile of bullshit that needs to be sniffed out, and we all know I am the one to do it. I won't let any lie get in the way, and if I have to read one more facebook update about how I "ruined" their happy family I will go bonkers.
One of my friend's blogs this morning really hit me hard. It was about death, and yeah, the basis was her dog's death last Valentine's Day, but she said on thing that hit me hard....
"Death isn't fair, ever. No matter how much notice you have, it still just sucks when you drive home with one less member of the family present."
And, it's so true. I do not fear death, but to think of someone so close to me just not being there, suddenly, is horrible and terrifying and down-right sad. So, I am setting a goal for myself. Love the people around me like it is their last day to be loved on Earth. I feel like, sometimes, all of us just take the loved one next to us for granted and forget that they can leave us instantly. I sure know I should hug my dad--because I never do--tell Mom how much I love her, appreciate the amazing Nanny I have, see my cousins more often, or tell my best friend how much she truly means to me, because I don't think she knows. And, maybe, I should stop being so thick-headed and realize maybe they mean it when they say they love me, too. Just like anyone, I feel under-appreciated all the time, and I feel like no one understands how much I put in. The fact is, I put my heart and soul into the people I love; sometimes, I just don't show it. I don't like showing how much I care or how much someone means to me. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. I think it's time for me to show just how much I care about, love and truly appreciate the people around me. I just have to figure it out now. Because, anyone can say "I love you", but not many people can show just how much they do love you. It's all about actions for me, and ironically, I do not think my actions apply to my words. So, starting today, even if I am 5000 miles away, I will work to better show the people around me how much they mean to me. Idk how the heck I'm gonna do this via Skype and Facebook, but maybe I can. Hell, it won't hurt to try.
<3
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