So, I have spent a lot of the morning reading back on my old blogs--my blogs from before I found my happiness. I have changed so much since my car wreck, since my relationship with Scott and since Malcolm broke my heart. I have changed for the best, too. I realized that I need to live while I'm here, because most everything will be there when I arrive home in 6 weeks.
I am so happy within myself. I couldn't ask for a better life, better friends or better family. The people I have in my life are finally people who accept me 100% for who I am. They do not try to change me, and in turn I do not feel pressured to be someone I am not. This is my life, and I can finally be who I am all the time, no worries and no pressure. That is happiness. That is love. And, when the cards are down, I have the people who love me by my side.
So, I am here again, having to open my eyes at what stands right before me. And, I am realizing that I have to accept some bad with the good. After all, not every day is going to be a good day, but I can make the best of it with what I have. That's okay with me, because I truly am happy.
Here's to a new beginning in Italy. I have 41 days left. I will do my best to enjoy some aspect of every one of those days. And, possibly the best part is that when I arrive home, Spring will have sprung, and I will see those beautiful Tennessee hills covered with life again. <3
"Cause I love the gap between your teeth, and I love the riddles that you speak. And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored, 'cause my heart is yours. So, don't you worry your pretty little mind, people through rocks at things that shine, and love makes life look hard."
Friday, January 28, 2011
6 weeks and 4 kilos.
Today makes is 41 days, 1 day less than 6 weeks. Yesterday marked 6 weeks and 4 kilos. I have lost 3 kilos so far, and it has only been two weeks. Hopefully, I will make it down to about 63 or 64 kilos. That is my goal.
As for the next few weeks here... I don't know how to deal. I have cried nonstop every night, and I haven't slept. I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt on my shoulders, too. 1) This opportunity is incredible, and yet, I still feel such a need to return home. 2) I left home after that stupid dream thing knowing I shouldn't have. 3) There is guilt about not seeing my Nanny. I promised myself I will be at her house at least 2 times a week this Summer. I guess I just have to make the best of my time here. I can't change when I leave, and I cannot get home sooner--as much as I hate that. I made a commitment, and I must stick with the consequences.
You know it's bad when even exercising does not make me feel one bit better. I am aching with pain all the time, and my back has started hurting again. That's how much pain I am feeling and how bad I want to go home.
More guilt set in when I realized that I missed my other best friend's first child be born. I am SO upset. I was the first person to know that she was pregnant--even before her husband, and I wasn't there. I missed Riley being born, and I am going to miss the first couple months of his life. I cannot wait to get back and hold him! He's so beautiful, and we all know how ugly babies usually are at birth... this little shit wasn't ugly at all! <3
I go to Milan tomorrow... I am kinda excited about that. Too bad I refuse to spend money, because I must come back with at least 1700 euros. I'm really crazy.
Forty-one days left to see some of Europe. Forty-one days left to feel guilt. Forty nights left to be alone. Still, I have a glimpse of hope. Like Mom said, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
<3
As for the next few weeks here... I don't know how to deal. I have cried nonstop every night, and I haven't slept. I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt on my shoulders, too. 1) This opportunity is incredible, and yet, I still feel such a need to return home. 2) I left home after that stupid dream thing knowing I shouldn't have. 3) There is guilt about not seeing my Nanny. I promised myself I will be at her house at least 2 times a week this Summer. I guess I just have to make the best of my time here. I can't change when I leave, and I cannot get home sooner--as much as I hate that. I made a commitment, and I must stick with the consequences.
You know it's bad when even exercising does not make me feel one bit better. I am aching with pain all the time, and my back has started hurting again. That's how much pain I am feeling and how bad I want to go home.
More guilt set in when I realized that I missed my other best friend's first child be born. I am SO upset. I was the first person to know that she was pregnant--even before her husband, and I wasn't there. I missed Riley being born, and I am going to miss the first couple months of his life. I cannot wait to get back and hold him! He's so beautiful, and we all know how ugly babies usually are at birth... this little shit wasn't ugly at all! <3
I go to Milan tomorrow... I am kinda excited about that. Too bad I refuse to spend money, because I must come back with at least 1700 euros. I'm really crazy.
Forty-one days left to see some of Europe. Forty-one days left to feel guilt. Forty nights left to be alone. Still, I have a glimpse of hope. Like Mom said, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
<3
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
March 12.
I will arrive home March 12, 2011. I will not be ashamed. I will be happy. I will see my Nanny, mom, dad, boyfriend, BESTFRIEND, baby boy (Vinny lol), Tootsie, home, courts, streets and town... and, even if it is all known and old to me, I will love every second of it.
Today, I walked to the cities edge, to a deserted part of town, to the bottom of a mountain, and back to the center of Brescia; I saw the Alps from the Earth's ground, and I stumbled upon ancient ruins while trying to discover the post office. Italy truly is amazing. You can't put it into words; you can't take a picture of it. But, you can see it for yourself and know what I am talking about. You can walk solid for 3 hours and keep finding things to get into; the sights are always changing.
My favorite part about Brescia is that I cannot speak Italian in anyway, but I sure as hell can get what ever I want to eat! You can pick anything on the menu, and it will be delicious. In fact, I picked something random and it happened to be pesto sauce--I HATE PESTO--and oh.em.gee, so delicious. Their meats are consumed raw; consuming raw meat never sounds or feels safe, but it is drool worthy--divine, perfect, mesmerizing. Don't even get me started on my croissants that I get every morning or fresh orange juice. How about their preserves and jams... sorry, Nanny, but I have never had it like this. And, the craziest part is that there is very little butter or sugar. How?! Why?! And, where can I learn to cook like this? My Italian mom is such a great cook. She gets it, fosho. Strangely, I tried to make big, fluffy pancakes this morning--keep in mind that I make wonderful pancakes--but they turned out like crepes? Thick batter and it still made crepes? I'm defs in Europe...I maaaaayyyy have slathered 3 of my "pancakes" with Nutella--literally from Switzerland and another thing I hate in the USA, but love here.
Now, it is very hard being alone every night and not being touched by a loved one. But, it's even harder knowing I have 45 days left. It seems so far away. I cannot wait to see my Nanny. I have this overwhelming sense that I need to be home, now. The day before I left, which would be three months until I would have to come home to get my Visa, I told Austin that in 6 weeks and 36 days (spoken like that in the dream I had where I saw this, lol) that someone was going to die. I can't remember who it was, but I am praying it is not someone close to me. I can't remember if it was me or someone close to me, but someone or something. I'm so creepy it isn't even fair.
So, Knoxvegas, I will see you in 45 days. Prepare yourselves!
<3
My favorite part about Brescia is that I cannot speak Italian in anyway, but I sure as hell can get what ever I want to eat! You can pick anything on the menu, and it will be delicious. In fact, I picked something random and it happened to be pesto sauce--I HATE PESTO--and oh.em.gee, so delicious. Their meats are consumed raw; consuming raw meat never sounds or feels safe, but it is drool worthy--divine, perfect, mesmerizing. Don't even get me started on my croissants that I get every morning or fresh orange juice. How about their preserves and jams... sorry, Nanny, but I have never had it like this. And, the craziest part is that there is very little butter or sugar. How?! Why?! And, where can I learn to cook like this? My Italian mom is such a great cook. She gets it, fosho. Strangely, I tried to make big, fluffy pancakes this morning--keep in mind that I make wonderful pancakes--but they turned out like crepes? Thick batter and it still made crepes? I'm defs in Europe...I maaaaayyyy have slathered 3 of my "pancakes" with Nutella--literally from Switzerland and another thing I hate in the USA, but love here.Now, it is very hard being alone every night and not being touched by a loved one. But, it's even harder knowing I have 45 days left. It seems so far away. I cannot wait to see my Nanny. I have this overwhelming sense that I need to be home, now. The day before I left, which would be three months until I would have to come home to get my Visa, I told Austin that in 6 weeks and 36 days (spoken like that in the dream I had where I saw this, lol) that someone was going to die. I can't remember who it was, but I am praying it is not someone close to me. I can't remember if it was me or someone close to me, but someone or something. I'm so creepy it isn't even fair.
So, Knoxvegas, I will see you in 45 days. Prepare yourselves!
<3
Saturday, January 22, 2011
March 12-17
So, I will be moving back to Knoxville in mid-March.
Some of you may think, oh I knew she couldn't last a year and others may think I'm a failure. Lol, but idk. My parents seem to be on both lists. It's not that I'm not happy here; it's that I am lonely, I want to see my grandma when she arrives back from Florida, and most of all, I want to start my life. I do NOT want to settle down, but more so I want to explore my life's possibilities. I will be coming back to Europe in August I hope.... I will start saving up money, and I am not getting another apartment, because I don't even sleep at my parent's anyways. As for a job, idk what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to teach tennis, but I have very little insight on what else there is for me to do.
1) MAC makeup counter--I think yes!
2) Rush trainer? I think I would be getting gipped!
3) I could babysit and make a ton of money.... easy money.
4) Dog walker? Does K-town even have those?
5) Photography--which has been a small dream of mine for years, but it would have to be a side job, because I wouldn't make enough money.
Whatever I choose to do I have to be full time. I am not in school, therefore I must work my ass off. Also, I've been thinking about cosmetology school since I was a kid, but I have also always had a fear of messing some woman's pride and joy (her hair) up... So, lately I've been thinking about the TSB Esthetics school.... It is only a 20 week program and the average pay is 40k a year. Which is not too shabby for a 20 year old. So, work at MAC while going to TSB? Hmmmm.... ;) Plus, the school starts in September so I will have all Summer to play. ;)
I may not have lasted a year, but I know I will remember this experience for the rest of my life. My Italian mom said we will do as much as we can and the best stuff that we can within the next 7 weeks.
<3
Some of you may think, oh I knew she couldn't last a year and others may think I'm a failure. Lol, but idk. My parents seem to be on both lists. It's not that I'm not happy here; it's that I am lonely, I want to see my grandma when she arrives back from Florida, and most of all, I want to start my life. I do NOT want to settle down, but more so I want to explore my life's possibilities. I will be coming back to Europe in August I hope.... I will start saving up money, and I am not getting another apartment, because I don't even sleep at my parent's anyways. As for a job, idk what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to teach tennis, but I have very little insight on what else there is for me to do.
1) MAC makeup counter--I think yes!
2) Rush trainer? I think I would be getting gipped!
3) I could babysit and make a ton of money.... easy money.
4) Dog walker? Does K-town even have those?
5) Photography--which has been a small dream of mine for years, but it would have to be a side job, because I wouldn't make enough money.
Whatever I choose to do I have to be full time. I am not in school, therefore I must work my ass off. Also, I've been thinking about cosmetology school since I was a kid, but I have also always had a fear of messing some woman's pride and joy (her hair) up... So, lately I've been thinking about the TSB Esthetics school.... It is only a 20 week program and the average pay is 40k a year. Which is not too shabby for a 20 year old. So, work at MAC while going to TSB? Hmmmm.... ;) Plus, the school starts in September so I will have all Summer to play. ;)
I may not have lasted a year, but I know I will remember this experience for the rest of my life. My Italian mom said we will do as much as we can and the best stuff that we can within the next 7 weeks.
<3
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Running on 2.5 hours of sleep with 3 wild little girls.
Talk about a headache.
It's only 9 AM, and I haven't even seen the girls, yet, and MY HEAD STILL IS POUNDING. Eff emm ell. Not a good sign. Not to mention, I did this horrid Nike work out yesterday--so sore. I mean so sore that I can hardly walk. I nearly passed out during the work out, and I literally puked. TMI? Eh, it's my blog, bitches.
Speaking of bitches. I think it's one of my new hobbies to study their ways. Stupidity or ignorance? Both. Too much of a moron to care and too stupid to learn. Good combo. Mix with white-trash and you have yourself a winner.
I mean c'mon ladies! WHO TAKES FACEBOOK SERIOUSLY?! No, you cannot update your status every time you're pissed at your 'man'. And, even if you are pissed, wake up call--HE DOESN'T CARE. So, why would the rest of the Facebook world want to hear about it?
I guess it's hypocritical of me to 'bitch' about women on my blog, but I just get sick of it. They are so desperate and pathetic. Call yourself 'confident', say you 'love yourself', but do confident, self-loving people let others drag them along or run over them?! Get some dignity or self-confidence or pride. Or, hell, go crazy and accumulate all three. You think you shit? You'll get treated like it.
Well, Mama always said, "You reap what you sow." Thank goodness I have more pride and dignity than any woman I know. Not that I always have, mind you, but I do now. Thanks, Mom, for making me a total bad ass.
You know something else? You wanna be treated like a bitch? Keep callin' yourself one! There's a reason I stopped saying, "Yeah, I'm a total bitch." Um, because I am not one. I am honest, and yeah, I am a little mean. Sigh.
You bitchez get what bitchez deserve.
It's only 9 AM, and I haven't even seen the girls, yet, and MY HEAD STILL IS POUNDING. Eff emm ell. Not a good sign. Not to mention, I did this horrid Nike work out yesterday--so sore. I mean so sore that I can hardly walk. I nearly passed out during the work out, and I literally puked. TMI? Eh, it's my blog, bitches.
Speaking of bitches. I think it's one of my new hobbies to study their ways. Stupidity or ignorance? Both. Too much of a moron to care and too stupid to learn. Good combo. Mix with white-trash and you have yourself a winner.
I mean c'mon ladies! WHO TAKES FACEBOOK SERIOUSLY?! No, you cannot update your status every time you're pissed at your 'man'. And, even if you are pissed, wake up call--HE DOESN'T CARE. So, why would the rest of the Facebook world want to hear about it?
I guess it's hypocritical of me to 'bitch' about women on my blog, but I just get sick of it. They are so desperate and pathetic. Call yourself 'confident', say you 'love yourself', but do confident, self-loving people let others drag them along or run over them?! Get some dignity or self-confidence or pride. Or, hell, go crazy and accumulate all three. You think you shit? You'll get treated like it.
Well, Mama always said, "You reap what you sow." Thank goodness I have more pride and dignity than any woman I know. Not that I always have, mind you, but I do now. Thanks, Mom, for making me a total bad ass.
You know something else? You wanna be treated like a bitch? Keep callin' yourself one! There's a reason I stopped saying, "Yeah, I'm a total bitch." Um, because I am not one. I am honest, and yeah, I am a little mean. Sigh.
You bitchez get what bitchez deserve.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
love.
"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child."
<3
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