March 12-17

So, I will be moving back to Knoxville in mid-March.

Some of you may think, oh I knew she couldn't last a year and others may think I'm a failure. Lol, but idk. My parents seem to be on both lists. It's not that I'm not happy here; it's that I am lonely, I want to see my grandma when she arrives back from Florida, and most of all, I want to start my life. I do NOT want to settle down, but more so I want to explore my life's possibilities. I will be coming back to Europe in August I hope.... I will start saving up money, and I am not getting another apartment, because I don't even sleep at my parent's anyways. As for a job, idk what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to teach tennis, but I have very little insight on what else there is for me to do.

1) MAC makeup counter--I think yes!
2) Rush trainer? I think I would be getting gipped!
3) I could babysit and make a ton of money.... easy money.
4) Dog walker? Does K-town even have those?
5) Photography--which has been a small dream of mine for years, but it would have to be a side job, because I wouldn't make enough money.

Whatever I choose to do I have to be full time. I am not in school, therefore I must work my ass off. Also, I've been thinking about cosmetology school since I was a kid, but I have also always had a fear of messing some woman's pride and joy (her hair) up... So, lately I've been thinking about the TSB Esthetics school.... It is only a 20 week program and the average pay is 40k a year. Which is not too shabby for a 20 year old. So, work at MAC while going to TSB? Hmmmm.... ;) Plus, the school starts in September so I will have all Summer to play. ;)

I may not have lasted a year, but I know I will remember this experience for the rest of my life. My Italian mom said we will do as much as we can and the best stuff that we can within the next 7 weeks.

<3

Running on 2.5 hours of sleep with 3 wild little girls.

Talk about a headache.

It's only 9 AM, and I haven't even seen the girls, yet, and MY HEAD STILL IS POUNDING. Eff emm ell. Not a good sign. Not to mention, I did this horrid Nike work out yesterday--so sore. I mean so sore that I can hardly walk. I nearly passed out during the work out, and I literally puked. TMI? Eh, it's my blog, bitches.

Speaking of bitches. I think it's one of my new hobbies to study their ways. Stupidity or ignorance? Both. Too much of a moron to care and too stupid to learn. Good combo. Mix with white-trash and you have yourself a winner.

I mean c'mon ladies! WHO TAKES FACEBOOK SERIOUSLY?! No, you cannot update your status every time you're pissed at your 'man'. And, even if you are pissed, wake up call--HE DOESN'T CARE. So, why would the rest of the Facebook world want to hear about it?

I guess it's hypocritical of me to 'bitch' about women on my blog, but I just get sick of it. They are so desperate and pathetic. Call yourself 'confident', say you 'love yourself', but do confident, self-loving people let others drag them along or run over them?! Get some dignity or self-confidence or pride. Or, hell, go crazy and accumulate all three. You think you shit? You'll get treated like it.

Well, Mama always said, "You reap what you sow." Thank goodness I have more pride and dignity than any woman I know. Not that I always have, mind you, but I do now. Thanks, Mom, for making me a total bad ass.

You know something else? You wanna be treated like a bitch? Keep callin' yourself one! There's a reason I stopped saying, "Yeah, I'm a total bitch." Um, because I am not one. I am honest, and yeah, I am a little mean. Sigh.

You bitchez get what bitchez deserve.

love.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child."

<3

4.

Ah the sound of roaring skooters reverberating against the walls of the one lane--not neccessarily one way--streets. By the way, Italy doesn't believe in accurate or consistant street signs. And, my itouch doesn't believe in spell check 8/.

Might I add that I got lost in the streets of Brescia (pronounced bray-sha) for 2 hours yesterday before I sacrificed my obnoxious pride and asked for directions... Then, another hour trying to follow very fast, very Italian directions.

Good lord do I hate being so alone at night. I need my best friend or beau to c'mere and rescue me.

OKAY, it's not THAT bad. Oh my sweet baby Jesus the food is divine. So is the marble house I'm living in. Seriously? Is this from a movie?

I still am ready to come on home to my Tennessee hills. I just need to be hugged by someone I know. Not random people who believe it okay kiss my cheeks. My cheeks, Euros; mine!

Ciao, bambino. Baci!

Day 2 or 3. Depending on timezone. Ha!

So, I've been here for a bit and it is gorgeous. So are the men. Too bad I have absolutely no interest in meeting one. I have no interest in being here to be honest. There is too much for me to worry about back home. I'm on an itouch btws; I can only talk to people when I have internet... Awesome. I know I sound negative, but for some reason I knew I shouldn't have come to Italy. I have business to take care of in good ole Tennessee. I won't be here a year and now I thi k I'll be lucky to last 3 months. I'm so lost that it is pathetic. I really need to get my head back on my shoulders asap. Happiness has made me a little too lax. :) not that I want to be unhappy. I just need to find that balance.

It is day 2/3 and I am already being called home. I am weaker than I thought, or maybe it isn't weakness it's just knowing where I'd rather be. Italy, you are beautiful, so I'll give you a chance.

Knoxville, I will see you soon.

I will be on a plane to Europe tomorrow at 8:10 p.m.

     My flight was cancelled for this past Tuesday--thank goodness. I needed the last few days, the extra few days.

     I am sad to leave, but excited to go. It's funny. I learned that moving doesn't mean leaving, at all. There will be a whole lot of my heart left here.

     But, I will make the best of my situation. I will be okay. And, hell, if I don't like it I will come back. I learned a long time ago that nothing is worth sacrificing my happiness. <3

1 week.

So, I’m sitting here typing this on ‘pages’ in LaGuardia Airport... you know the huge airport in NYC.... Yeah, apparently they don’t offer WiFi that actually works. Fail, much?

I’m on my way home to Knoxville, btws. Incase you thought I was flying to Italy already for some crazy reason. I cannot wait to be back to Knoxville. I LOVED NYC! I mean, really, I loved the city, but honestly, I think Knoxville is so much more legit. Yeah, less culture, food and activity, but there is something about Knoxville and the U of Tennessee that screams to my heart. It will always be home to me.

BUT, that doesn’t mean I still don’t plan to move to Connecticut :)

I got to see a couple of my cousins, and drink some margaritas. I went to the Natural History Museum and took ridiculous pictures. Actually, I just took a lot of pictures in general. And ate. Lordy, did I eat. I ate so much. ha! I think I gained a good 15 pounds, no joke. Hope the men don’t mind my larger assets. ;)

I’m pretty pumped to see my friends tonight. I have desperately missed them, and it has only been 5 days. That’s really not a good sign for Italy. My cold feet are starting to freeze. :/ Hopefully, this is still the right decision for me. 

I’m not pumped to go back to not looking cute. I hope to keep up the cuteness in Italy, and I mean I suppose I can keep dressing nice my last few days in K-Town.

Good lord I’m about to cry, in an airport, alone, having to pee and a little cold. I am going to miss NYC, but mainly I am going to miss my fav cuz, Alexis. But, that isn’t my reason for tears. I have grown so close to a couple people recently, and I literally, 100% don’t know how I am going to leave them. Kelly Myers, no matter what, you are my best friend. I literally, absolutely love you. 

Okay, I’m crying now. I keep having flash thoughts of all these things I’m going to miss, yet I keep having thoughts of all the things I am going to see. I’m terrified that my friends won’t be mine anymore when I come home, and that the boy I am crazy about, who I don’t even know if I have now, will have moved on completely. I’m scared my parents will have for once stuck to their word and sold the house. I’m scared my grandparents will no longer be living. I’m scared Tootsie won’t make it another year, and I’m scared something will happen to Vinny. But, most of all, I am scared I will change. I’m scared I’ll come back and fit in even less, and I’m scared the people I love at the moment will no longer be lovable. I’m scared I’m going to regret missing a year of my family or my brother will have a kid while I’m gone. I’m so upset about missing my great friend’s first child being born. I’m scared that if I don’t go to Italy I will regret it, and I’m scared if I do go I won’t be happy. It’s all happening so soon. I’m going to miss a birthday, a Christmas, a Thanksgiving, a Halloween, a wedding, a homecoming and I’m going to miss my hair stylist. This sounds so petty and stupid, and it’s strange that it’s not my family I’m worried about missing; it’s the gatherings and connections I share with my family.

I’m still crying. And, through the tears, I see a little light in the blur. I can always come home. I can always stay. And for all I know, I may never come back. I may love Italy.

It’s Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 6:51 PM. I am in Brooklyn, NY at LaGuardia Airport. And, I have less than 7 days until I move to Brescia, Italy.

I’m officially terrified.

P.S. Midflight I have begun typing again, and I would just like to announce that the NYC nighttime view from the air is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life. Nature doesn’t always equal beauty, and man-man electrified metals aren’t always ugly.