But that doesn't mean the happiness is ending.
This will be my last blog of 2010.... :)
And, this will be my last blog as a teenager... :\
This year has been a year of heartbreak and love, friendships and breakups. This year has been a year of tears and finding my happiness again. It was been wonderful and so terrifying. I have learned that love isn't always enough and it doesn't always last. I have rekindled my friendship with my best friend, and I lost a best friend of five years. I went to Chik-fil-A, and had another ex-best friend tear up my order and still hand it to me (or her current bffff did) lol. I met the coolest people, and fell way too hard for a complete douche bag and had my heart broken by him just like I broke the heart of a boy who loved me, but I don't regret any moment of this year. I have made new friends, and I have made some serious enemies... maybe it should they should be called "frienemies". I did PLENTY of things I should not have, and still should not be doing... but it feels so good to be bad ;). I yelled too much, trusted too soon and got sick too often. I got a couple piercings, but I avoided the tattoo. I gained 15 pounds, but I have lost 8 of them. I played video games until 6 in the A.M. And, for once, I witnessed a snow in December. We had an ice storm and could skate in the street.... All the winter weather and it's not even Christmas, yet! I learned to be content, and I learned that I know what's best for myself. The glass is always half-full, and there is always a reason to believe in the positive. I learned to give far more than I will ever receive, and to give people the more chances. I have learned how beautiful quirks and goofiness are, and I have been taught to open my mind even more than I ever have before. I met someone who will for ever change my views, beliefs and life. I jumped off the deep end, and I decided to move to Italy in January. I love this year. It has been great. I have so many amazing memories and people and places and things.
I am so happy.
Thank you 2010; I hope 2011 is even more incredible.
<3 See you in the new year.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Werk it girl. You put the boot in bootylicious"
And that's it. I am in a boot, and my friend said it's okay, because I'm sexy enough to rock it haha.
Guess I'll have to deal with it. I fell on a brick stair bare-foot and cracked my lateral right foot. Fun. Basically, that means that I cannot work out for 2-3 weeks, and if my foot is not healed by then I will be put in a cast. FML. Right before NYC and Italy. Better heal fast. Due to the lack of exercise, I am on a 3 week diet. Yes, the dreaded word I hate to use. I am on a DIET. I cannot work out, so I have to be able to extra careful about not gaining any more weight.
My favorite guy on the planet officially won't talk to me. Deleted off facebook. Blah. What can you do?
I apparently like pickles? According to my mom I like pumpkins? lol Gotta love my best friend and mom.
I have nothing to write about. I'm happy.
Happy December everyone :) It's holiday music time, and that makes me so happy! <3
My favorite guy on the planet officially won't talk to me. Deleted off facebook. Blah. What can you do?
I apparently like pickles? According to my mom I like pumpkins? lol Gotta love my best friend and mom.
I have nothing to write about. I'm happy.
Happy December everyone :) It's holiday music time, and that makes me so happy! <3
Friday, November 19, 2010
Tolerance, not hypocrites.
I have a new obsession with The Band Perry--especially 'Postcard from Paris'. So so so good. Also, the Wrecker's "Leave the Pieces" <3<3
As time is pushing forward, I'm getting more and more excited. A year! A year in Italy, by myself! How could I not be excited? I am going to miss Knoxville, southern boys and Kelly Myers a whole lot, but I'll be back, and K-town will still be here waiting on me.
I've finally started back a work-out routine. I am so much happier, except for it has made the insomnia worse.
And finally, why are girls such bitches? Seriously? I tried to reach out to an old friend, my old best friend, and she literally posted a bitchy statement on her wall about me and so did her little 'christian' friends. That's real christian, let me tell you. Sorry, honey, but christians are tolerant, accepting, loving, and incredible people. What you are is a hypocrite. Christians don't try to change their FRIENDS' view points or religious stances, because christians accept everyone for who they are. Sorry, honey, you're a hypocrite. Yeah, I may not be religious, but I have NEVER tried to push my beliefs on someone else, and I never will. I have no problem with true christians, because they can be and are some of the nicest people anyone will every cross paths with. But to tell me I am wrong, I don't know what I am talking about, and I don't know life without Jesus Christ is wrong. My best friend is a true christian, and I positively love her. She is the nicest person I know, and she would never try to infringe on someone else's beliefs. Tell me I've never been to church? Excuse me, my church is literally owned by my grandma. Her grandfather built the thing and spoke the word until he passed. Don't tell me I don't know church. I was raised to believe what I want. I was raised in a christian preschool, and I was raised with church present in my life. I believe what I feel, and what I feel is morally correct for me. I would never consider myself a christian, because I don't believe! Wouldn't that be morally wrong to preach and pretend to believe in God? Wouldn't that be against your religion? Yeah, it is. Don't tell me I'm wrong you hypocrite, because I'd never tell you you're wrong. Thank goodness I have friends who tell me that I did the right thing, to not regret reaching out, because I'd regret not saying anything even more. That at least I know I made the right decision. Why don't you try being a true, tolerant christian and not such a 'I'm stuck-up-my-own-ass, I go to church (therefore I'm better)' bitch. Fake is what that is. Fake. Because, we all sin and you are NO BETTER THAN ME IN GOD'S EYES. Equality, sweetie, not hypocritical.
I am thankful for my amazing parents, they have taught me right from wrong and incredible morals. They have taught me to be myself and to make my own decisions. But, most of all and mot importantly, they have taught me to accept others for what they are. I am thankful for them.
I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my accepting, understanding friends. I am thankful for my friends who love me even if everyone else hates me.
Everyone can be hypocritical, and that is fine, just admit it. Don't try to hide behind your bible. If God is who you say he is, he sees you all the time, whether your shielding your face with your bible or not. If God is who you say he is, he is not a moron and he knows exactly what you are doing, saying and thinking. Maybe you should reconsider your 'Christian' status.
I am so thankful for the life I have, my parents, my friends and most of all, I am thankful for how I have been raised. <3
As time is pushing forward, I'm getting more and more excited. A year! A year in Italy, by myself! How could I not be excited? I am going to miss Knoxville, southern boys and Kelly Myers a whole lot, but I'll be back, and K-town will still be here waiting on me.
I've finally started back a work-out routine. I am so much happier, except for it has made the insomnia worse.
And finally, why are girls such bitches? Seriously? I tried to reach out to an old friend, my old best friend, and she literally posted a bitchy statement on her wall about me and so did her little 'christian' friends. That's real christian, let me tell you. Sorry, honey, but christians are tolerant, accepting, loving, and incredible people. What you are is a hypocrite. Christians don't try to change their FRIENDS' view points or religious stances, because christians accept everyone for who they are. Sorry, honey, you're a hypocrite. Yeah, I may not be religious, but I have NEVER tried to push my beliefs on someone else, and I never will. I have no problem with true christians, because they can be and are some of the nicest people anyone will every cross paths with. But to tell me I am wrong, I don't know what I am talking about, and I don't know life without Jesus Christ is wrong. My best friend is a true christian, and I positively love her. She is the nicest person I know, and she would never try to infringe on someone else's beliefs. Tell me I've never been to church? Excuse me, my church is literally owned by my grandma. Her grandfather built the thing and spoke the word until he passed. Don't tell me I don't know church. I was raised to believe what I want. I was raised in a christian preschool, and I was raised with church present in my life. I believe what I feel, and what I feel is morally correct for me. I would never consider myself a christian, because I don't believe! Wouldn't that be morally wrong to preach and pretend to believe in God? Wouldn't that be against your religion? Yeah, it is. Don't tell me I'm wrong you hypocrite, because I'd never tell you you're wrong. Thank goodness I have friends who tell me that I did the right thing, to not regret reaching out, because I'd regret not saying anything even more. That at least I know I made the right decision. Why don't you try being a true, tolerant christian and not such a 'I'm stuck-up-my-own-ass, I go to church (therefore I'm better)' bitch. Fake is what that is. Fake. Because, we all sin and you are NO BETTER THAN ME IN GOD'S EYES. Equality, sweetie, not hypocritical.
I am thankful for my amazing parents, they have taught me right from wrong and incredible morals. They have taught me to be myself and to make my own decisions. But, most of all and mot importantly, they have taught me to accept others for what they are. I am thankful for them.
I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my accepting, understanding friends. I am thankful for my friends who love me even if everyone else hates me.
Everyone can be hypocritical, and that is fine, just admit it. Don't try to hide behind your bible. If God is who you say he is, he sees you all the time, whether your shielding your face with your bible or not. If God is who you say he is, he is not a moron and he knows exactly what you are doing, saying and thinking. Maybe you should reconsider your 'Christian' status.
I am so thankful for the life I have, my parents, my friends and most of all, I am thankful for how I have been raised. <3
Sunday, November 14, 2010
1 month and 29 days until I move.....
"A penny for my thoughts? Oh, no, I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner. And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’."
I realize that in the beginning, most people are gonna talk to me, and pretend to miss me and all that nonsense, but they will quickly fade from my mind, just as I will fade from theirs. That's life, and it's perfectly fine. I just hope a few people remember, because I won't forget those few people.
I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way it'll hurt, and either way I feel like I will hurt someone or hurt myself. But, I am young, and I am brave enough to see the world alone and through my eyes, so why not do it? "If not now, when?"
"Oh, there's a wild, wild whisper blowin' in the wind--callin' out my name like a long lost friend. Oh, I miss those days as the years go by. Nothings sweeter than Summer-time and American Honey."
I just hope I don't regret missing this summer at home, because it may be my last. And, hell, if I have no reason to come home, I just may find a way to stay. Why not? If it's where I love, what I want and I am happy there, then I will stay. Sadly, my parents will have the house sold by the time when I come back.
"I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time... Up those stairs in that little back bedroom, is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar. I bet you didn’t know under that live oak, my favorite dog is buried in the yard. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave. Won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."
Yeah, I'm leaving. I'm potentially leaving for good. But, something or someone is bound to drag my heart back to the East Tennessee country side. <3
I realize that in the beginning, most people are gonna talk to me, and pretend to miss me and all that nonsense, but they will quickly fade from my mind, just as I will fade from theirs. That's life, and it's perfectly fine. I just hope a few people remember, because I won't forget those few people.
I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way it'll hurt, and either way I feel like I will hurt someone or hurt myself. But, I am young, and I am brave enough to see the world alone and through my eyes, so why not do it? "If not now, when?"
"Oh, there's a wild, wild whisper blowin' in the wind--callin' out my name like a long lost friend. Oh, I miss those days as the years go by. Nothings sweeter than Summer-time and American Honey."
I just hope I don't regret missing this summer at home, because it may be my last. And, hell, if I have no reason to come home, I just may find a way to stay. Why not? If it's where I love, what I want and I am happy there, then I will stay. Sadly, my parents will have the house sold by the time when I come back.
"I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time... Up those stairs in that little back bedroom, is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar. I bet you didn’t know under that live oak, my favorite dog is buried in the yard. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave. Won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."
Yeah, I'm leaving. I'm potentially leaving for good. But, something or someone is bound to drag my heart back to the East Tennessee country side. <3
2 month, exactly, until Italy...
and I'm getting nervous, anxious, excited and weary. I'm leaving the people I am closest to for a sergeant family, but I am so proud of myself. Happy.
"Stay" lyrics by Sugarland... minus da cheatin' issues. I'm going to miss country music so much, good lord, I'm gonna miss it.
I found a family, btws. They are incredible nice. Three daughters... one set of twins. I'm gonna miss this place, but I can't wait to leave a bit of my heart somewhere distant and move forward in my life. I'm going to be about 20 minutes away from Milan--by train.
We're gonna go see "Love and other Drugs" tomorrow, but I am worried it's going to break my heart further. And, at the same time, I don't care anymore. I'll lay it all out on the table. "Come a little closer, baby; I feel like strippin' it down. Back to the basics of you and me, and what makes the world go round." Sometime I just need someone else's words to be able to speak how I truly feel. This may be my most pointless post, ever, but I'm so confused; I don't know where to begin, what to say or when to say it.
But, when I figure that out, I'll let it all flow out of my fingertips onto my keyboard and onto your chest like I always do.
"Stay" lyrics by Sugarland... minus da cheatin' issues. I'm going to miss country music so much, good lord, I'm gonna miss it.
I found a family, btws. They are incredible nice. Three daughters... one set of twins. I'm gonna miss this place, but I can't wait to leave a bit of my heart somewhere distant and move forward in my life. I'm going to be about 20 minutes away from Milan--by train.
We're gonna go see "Love and other Drugs" tomorrow, but I am worried it's going to break my heart further. And, at the same time, I don't care anymore. I'll lay it all out on the table. "Come a little closer, baby; I feel like strippin' it down. Back to the basics of you and me, and what makes the world go round." Sometime I just need someone else's words to be able to speak how I truly feel. This may be my most pointless post, ever, but I'm so confused; I don't know where to begin, what to say or when to say it.
But, when I figure that out, I'll let it all flow out of my fingertips onto my keyboard and onto your chest like I always do.
Monday, November 1, 2010
If growing up means growning apart, then I want to stay 19 years and 10 months forever.
Forever is a never ending, unrealistic time away, and yet it feels so inevitable. I have sent two application to Italy, had numerous letters of recommendations written, received doctors notes about my health, and I have my passport. I need to learn to drive a stick-shirt better, get my Visa, and I need to enroll in an Italian college. I need to save money, find a renter for my apartment, and I need to somehow pay my parents back. Thank goodness for their help, because one shitty person has ruined my financial situation. And, last, but not least, I need to finish this semester. It seems so close, yet so, ridiculously, painfully far away. One month until its over.
Hiking trip.. someone planned over Thanksgiving break. Woot. If only Kelly can find someone to take, and so-and-so can get it worked out with his parental unit. I'm so excited! I love hiking, and I haven't backpacked in forever.
Adventure, adventure. Oh, and I NEED TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET! Eeeep!
Two months until I'm in NYC and 20 years old.
But, if growing up means growing apart, I want to stay 19 years and 10 months forever.
Hiking trip.. someone planned over Thanksgiving break. Woot. If only Kelly can find someone to take, and so-and-so can get it worked out with his parental unit. I'm so excited! I love hiking, and I haven't backpacked in forever.
Adventure, adventure. Oh, and I NEED TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET! Eeeep!
Two months until I'm in NYC and 20 years old.
But, if growing up means growing apart, I want to stay 19 years and 10 months forever.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Growing
"i would much rather have a blanket of heartache for a season than have never loved at all. i’m thankful that i can experience a broken heart since my heart is now so soft. i never ever want to have an unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable heart — and i never will..." - Stacy Setzer
This quote hit me so hard, and maybe I felt it, because she is a real person. I don't know her, but I now know of her. Which is strange to think of how creepy that is. But, the quote itself is beautiful and true and warm, and it hits me right where I needed to be hit. It made me realize how lucky I am to have loved; the good times were bright and passionate, and while the pain was the worst pain, and even though it pulled me to the ground, it has still made me a better person today. I am so thankful that I know how it feels on both ends, how terrible it can feel, and I am so thankful that I know the bliss and joy and passion love can bring.
My friend told me that something can be short, but be more passionate than years of being with someone. And, he was so right. He helped make everything clear, understandable and I am finally able to move past it, enjoy it, think of him, and as one of my new favorite girl-friends said, "He's just a fond memory. It may never be exactly the same, but it can be different and just as amazing." I have no one to compare any longer. I have finally broken free, and while I now realize, just like the first boy I loved (not in-love), I will always look at him with a smile, and I will always keep him in my heart, that doesn't mean I will always be there for him. I am always the person to fall back on, but I think it is finally my time to find someone I can lean on, trust and simply enjoy. I'm so happy.
That same new friend said to me today, "I love you. Already. You are so easy to love." And, while it may be stupid for me to say, that is the nicest thing I have ever been told by anyone. It made me realize that there are people who accept me for who I am, and who can love me. Like I have said before, I am living for myself and only myself now, but that doesn't mean I don't care about anyone's feelings. I am the most loving person; I am intense and honest and sometimes rude, but the thought of hurting someone hurts me--it tears me apart. I hate losing people who I love so deeply, but at the same time, I will cut someone off if I feel it necessary. And, that friend who left me, I finally know where he's coming from. I just wish he knew where I am coming from. I have cut so many lose ties these last few months, but I have rekindled my best friends and made new, amazing friends. I've met boys, had plenty of booty calls, broken the hearts of two boys who loved me--who I just couldn't love, sadly--and I have had my heart absolutely, 100% torn apart. I think I am finally where I need to be. I am finally able to understand it all. The way I work isn't how he/she may work, but that doesn't mean either of us have to change. I am sorry to the people I have hurt, but I have moved on, accepted fate and realized some people aren't worth fighting for, and that most of the time I am not going to get who or what I want. But, eventually, maybe, there will be a person equally as loving, generous and honest as me. I am finally growing into the person I have so longed to be.
I am so happy. <3
This quote hit me so hard, and maybe I felt it, because she is a real person. I don't know her, but I now know of her. Which is strange to think of how creepy that is. But, the quote itself is beautiful and true and warm, and it hits me right where I needed to be hit. It made me realize how lucky I am to have loved; the good times were bright and passionate, and while the pain was the worst pain, and even though it pulled me to the ground, it has still made me a better person today. I am so thankful that I know how it feels on both ends, how terrible it can feel, and I am so thankful that I know the bliss and joy and passion love can bring.
My friend told me that something can be short, but be more passionate than years of being with someone. And, he was so right. He helped make everything clear, understandable and I am finally able to move past it, enjoy it, think of him, and as one of my new favorite girl-friends said, "He's just a fond memory. It may never be exactly the same, but it can be different and just as amazing." I have no one to compare any longer. I have finally broken free, and while I now realize, just like the first boy I loved (not in-love), I will always look at him with a smile, and I will always keep him in my heart, that doesn't mean I will always be there for him. I am always the person to fall back on, but I think it is finally my time to find someone I can lean on, trust and simply enjoy. I'm so happy.
That same new friend said to me today, "I love you. Already. You are so easy to love." And, while it may be stupid for me to say, that is the nicest thing I have ever been told by anyone. It made me realize that there are people who accept me for who I am, and who can love me. Like I have said before, I am living for myself and only myself now, but that doesn't mean I don't care about anyone's feelings. I am the most loving person; I am intense and honest and sometimes rude, but the thought of hurting someone hurts me--it tears me apart. I hate losing people who I love so deeply, but at the same time, I will cut someone off if I feel it necessary. And, that friend who left me, I finally know where he's coming from. I just wish he knew where I am coming from. I have cut so many lose ties these last few months, but I have rekindled my best friends and made new, amazing friends. I've met boys, had plenty of booty calls, broken the hearts of two boys who loved me--who I just couldn't love, sadly--and I have had my heart absolutely, 100% torn apart. I think I am finally where I need to be. I am finally able to understand it all. The way I work isn't how he/she may work, but that doesn't mean either of us have to change. I am sorry to the people I have hurt, but I have moved on, accepted fate and realized some people aren't worth fighting for, and that most of the time I am not going to get who or what I want. But, eventually, maybe, there will be a person equally as loving, generous and honest as me. I am finally growing into the person I have so longed to be.
I am so happy. <3
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