Cool weather hopefully doesn't mean a cold heart.

     The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" brings me to tears every time I hear it. It hits my heart so hard. I remember a little over a year ago when I could have died, when I felt dead inside, when I felt dead on the court and in the class room. I remember how heart wrenching that time was, but I also reflect on how much I have learned.
     And sometimes, I feel like no matter how much I've learned that I will never find that feeling again. That feeling is to know that someone loves me the way I love them. It's so hard wanting what I can't have, or feeling like I did something wrong. My mom the other day said, "Miranda, I have no doubt in my mind that Scott would make a great father, husband, that you two could be happy, but, Miranda, he is an alcoholic." And, in reality, he is. It just made me feel like he was the man I was supposed to marry, and I will never get that again. Of course, him telling me no one will ever love me again over and over again probably didn't help much either. And, strangely enough, Scott is not the one I miss. No matter how deeply in love with him I was, he is not the one I miss.
     And that is possibly the most heart breaking thing of all. That I am chasing after a hopeless dream; someone who will never admit that they love me, even if they do. Someone who is as scared as I am.

Sighs of relief.

I look at how beautiful it is outside; everyday it shocks me. I know I won't stay here, but I also know Knoxville, TN is the most beautiful place in the world.

I am so happy. I am so myself. I love this feeling. I love my life, but I am ready to experience and live my college life. I have decided to join a sorority. Anyone who knows me will drop their jaw when they first read that, but I'm ready to branch out.

The next step is getting my parents to support my decision and to apply for scholarships--lots and lots. I have the rest of my life to work. I'm sorry guys. I just don't want to miss what I have been missing. I don't want to keep on going in a constant hazy bustle. I'm always so stressed and pushed; I want this time to relax. I don't want to feel like I have to rush through college. I want to cherish it.

I mean clearly, I still want to keep my FD job and teach a little on the side, but I am ready to digress a bit. I'm ready to breath for a moment, but most of all, I'm ready to stop this haze and really see the beauty and greatness around me.

<3<3

September ties.

Fall, for the first time in my life, I can truly say I have missed you. Welcome back. I miss the big sweatshirts and the cool air flowing in my lungs. Early morning calm skies. I missed the sun that warms you and the breeze that is chilling. Ahh, relief. I am happy.

Sometimes, I question what is going on inside some people's heads. The thought that you can take anger out on another person for no reason at all. And, I realize I used to be so guilty of this--like most I still am sometimes, but I try to hard to not ever reach this level. I mostly, and sadly, only each this level with my parents, and I feel so terrible for that. We've had our brawls, but honestly, besides 2 people... two non-family members in my life, they have always--especially my mom--been there for me. The best part about them is their willingness to help me out... in the beginning of me giving up my scholarships they were furious with me, but they see my happiness and they are willing to help in any situation--not that I am always willing to let them. I am so grateful for the family I have. I really couldn't ever need for anything. I do want better relationships though, and I think that will be the most rewarding step I have taken this year... To try to repair and allow my relationship with my mom to grow. It is work on both sides, and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows how difficult it is for me--trying to separate my mom and my friend (mom as a friend). I hope she knows that I wish she was my best friend, but at the same time I can't be 100% open with her for fear of her judgments or lectures, and this is exactly what she hates about her mother's and her relationship. I'm nearly 20 years old--terrifying as that is--and I think it's time for a friend who will always be there--my Mom. Now, it's just time to convince her to let go of 100% mom and 0% friend, and become 25% mom and 75% friend. Don't think she's quite up for that one yet. :)

September: a month for repairing broken ties and sloshy relationships.

:)

"Come into my world, I've got to show, show, show you."

The trees are now deep, Summer green... which only means fall is right around the corner. But, for the first year in my life... I am not fearing Fall or Winter. I am actually looking forward to cooler weather and the color changes. I always felt as if I had lost a piece of myself when the days would start growing shorter. I felt like I was dying when my favorite Summer-green would leave the trees. No longer do I have those fears or feelings. Happiness has settled in.

I have learned of a lovely, little (literally tiny) girl who has decided it's okay to spread stuff about me. Funny thing is, she broke up with the boy who I dated for a short period of time, and yet, she still feels the need to discuss me? I know I'm growing up, because instead of brutally beating her down (mentally, not physically), I decided to just roll with it, and act as nice to her as I can. I also told the guy we both dated not to say a word--he was rather pissed. I don't think it's worth the stress or angst or sacrificing of my pride to go down to her level and say stuff to her. She's a girl; girls are bitches, and that is what they do. Don't ever let a girl tell you that she's different, because I am as non-catty as they come, and I will still slip and let my mouth run. But, I never let my mouth run about someone that I do not know on a personal level. That's just another disgusting trait that women have... the green-eyed-monster talk. J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.

So far, three days of classes have gone by, and I'm already getting stressed. I have two psych classes back-to-back... probs not the best idea, but oh well. I have to work through this. The worst class by far will be Spanish 211. I am so bad with English; how am I expected to pass Spanish? I need a tutor ASAP... I'll pay. So, if you're relatively talented at Español... give me a shout. All-in-all, I am satisfied... even if I'd rather not be in school.

Welcome to "...my world, I've got to show, show, show you.... I have dreams of Orka whales and owls, but I wake up in fear that you will never be my dear, dear, dear."

Welcome back, Brain.

I went up to Lee this weekend to help a friend cope with homesickness... something I have never felt and will probably never feel. I just do not have that attachment to my parents. I love them, don't get me wrong, but I prefer accomplishing tasks on my own. Anyway, when I arrived back to K-Town, I was asked... "Don't take this wrong, but has she ever dropped everything for you to help you cope?" I said, "No, but no one is a friend to me like I am to them, and that doesn't bother me, because she's the closest thing to it." I can't decide whether that's sad that I think like that or virtuous.

The good news is... I'm back! I think friendship and music has a lot to do with it, because I see little bits of myself popping out of the clouds every time I listen to the music I used to listen to. I also played a tourny this weekend, and realized I need some major coping methods. I puked before my matches and lost to a girl I normally would beat 6-0, 6-0. But, I ended up winning my next two singles matches, and the girl I played dubs with and I won the doubles draw! It was unbelievable scary to be on the singles court again, but so beyond fun to play dubs competitively again... and I normally hate doubles!

Okay, so I'm back writing this, numerous hours later, because there was a huge issue.... I thought my apartment was on fire. Fire dept came and the whole shebang..... turns out, our water heater blew up... or something like it. So, we have zero hot water and a horrendous stench. lol... guess I'll be showering where I work.

School is starting Wednesday, and while I am NOT excited about the daily drag of 8 am- 12 pm classes... I am excited about a new major. I always enjoyed my other psychology classes, and I love kids... so maybe this is where I should be. I'm really going to miss art... a lot. I've been breaking my camera out constantly. I even set up some photo-sessions with a couple girls I teach. Excitement!

I was on the lake with a boy, a very not-my-type boy, but a very bold boy. And, I actually let myself have fun. The kind of fun where you forget that you have a job to go back to the next day, or in my case that I had puked multiple times due to anxiety in the previous days. Very attractive I am. And apparently I'm now Yoda. He asked me if my nails were real... which is absolutely hilarious, because clearly he doesn't know how lazy I am about grooming... and while I did once have gel-tip nails... I will never have them again. So very over priced for the cheap look they have. But, I'm a freaking boss, and I grew them all by myself--accomplishing a goal of mine :)! Ridiculous goal? Maybe in your opinion, but I have bit my nails since I was like 2 years old... so it's a big deal to me.

Not only did I grow my nails back out, but I am becoming able to socialize and simply enjoy the small moments of life again.

Welcome back, Brain... I really did miss you.

Satisfaction.

Can I just say that I love where I am at right now? I love my job; I truly love my job. How could anyone not?

Today, I taught a 14 year old girl, who had never picked up a racket, who was not athletic and who has quit everything she has ever tried. She did great for her first wack at an incredibly difficult sport. I explained to her how difficult it is, and I explained why footballers always say it's a joke.... because they can't do it! She understood, she didn't get frustrated, and an hour after her lesson I got a call from her Grandma. She was so thankful and delighted....and I felt the same way. I inspired her granddaughter to play this life-long sport. I inspired her shy granddaughter to go out for her high school team. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like I have a purpose and that I am doing what I should be. She said her granddaughter was so ecstatic when she came off the court and proclaimed, "I love tennis! I love her!" I am so happy that I have the chance to brighten someones day or change the way they feel about sports or teams or anything in general. Idk how to explain the feeling. It's simply wonderful. I have a purpose. I have a purpose. I have a purpose.

I recently decided to grow up and contact a lost friend. We had a falling out, because, well, basically I was ditched for someone who was more 'fun'. As we talked it through, it became clear to me. She said she never meant to ditch me, she knew I was her true best friend... the person she could always trust, but she showed me a couple things I had been doing that were hurting her. It's funny that we sent up a date to talk things over.... Well, as soon as she got there, we both forgot what we were upset over, and we talked like 3 months was never missing from our friendship... We shared the extremely personal-never-tell-anyone-thoughts like nothing ever happened between us. It feels nice to have her back.

I start classes on the 18th. I'm up to 18hrs of classes at the moment... and I am debating taking the 7th class. I just want to be out of school. I'm so over it. Three years in was long enough! Two left. That's all I can redundantly and obnoxiously say. Sadly, as I'm finally regaining myself and my happiness, my 'friends' are leaving to go off to school. I can't believe I spent an entire Summer with petty feelings holding me back. Start a new fashion... wear your heart on your sleeve.... which is what I do in most cases!

Here comes a great Fall filled with, hiking, swimming, traveling, teaching, a lot of learning and plently of  loving.

Hello, August.

As cliche` as it sounds, I can't believe the summer is over. Time is passing too quickly, especially now that I am getting older.

It's official, I am an Early Childhood Education major. Huge change. Two years, two years. What's annoying is that I would have been graduating this May if I would have stayed at ETSU. sigh.

Anyways, when I was driving around today, I realized how many people we pass, and look into the eyes. Just random people, no contact, except maybe a smile or a passing wave. Yet, I can't muster up the balls to look someone straight in the eye and say, 'hey, what's up?" Shaken, not stirred, please.

And as for the 10lbs of muscle on my upper body and 10lbs of muscle on my lower body.... I think I'm getting there rather quickly. I'm kinda, disgustingly huge, but if it makes coach take me seriously... I must do it.


Hello, Happiness; you wanna go fishing sometime?