It's strange how it has ended so quickly. But, I suppose it takes two. I guess it wasn't meant to be, not right now at least. We are both so defensive, and things won't fix until we can see both sides. I feel like I can, I do, but he does not feel that way. It's funny how 15, 20, 30 years ago, kids were married with kids at our age, but for some reason we are not expected to be mature enough to handle a living situation. Maybe what my mom says is right. She tells me that if one of us was 25, it would have worked out just fine, but because we are both kids, it won't. We are selfish, but we are selfish in different ways. I haven't stayed in our place for 5 days now. It's hard to go back, because I love it. I love the decorations, I love the furniture, but sadly the furniture is his. Basically meaning that I won't be living there within the next few weeks. Hopefully, I'll be living in a loft, not alone, but I'm screwed money wise. If I did stay in our condo, I'd have to buy furniture, and pay rent and electricity by myself. If I move in with a girl, I have to pay one solid fee. I think the loft, especially come winter-time, will end up better money-wise, but it will still be hard. It's also hard knowing that we aren't strong enough to fix things... once again my mom calls it maturity. I just hope things work out. It's hard for me to say, "What ever happens, happens." A little over a year ago, I didn't give a rat's ass what happened. Now, it's like my life is either: A) going to suck with him, B) going to be fantastic with him, C) be fantastic without him, or D) suck without him. Awesome choices, considering that 'B' and 'C' seem far fetched. Ironically, 'Don't Stop Believin'" just came on. HA. I wish I could chill out, and let things flow. But, then again, I wish I was 6 years old, and all I had to worry about was making sure my mom didn't find the grubs I hid under my bed (I didn't realize she'd notice the smell). I also just found out that UTK took off 15 of my credit hours, making me not a junior... um bullshit? Yes, I think so. Mom, can I just get my associates? I wish I could ditch school (money allowing) and travel across the world hahahaha. Such a Cameron I am.
P.S. No spell check; don't judge me. ha
P.S.S. My nails are growing out!! Fantastic!! And, I actually fixed my hair yesterday! Oh, yeah!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
You tell me I need friends, but who am I to be friends with? It's so hard to trust people when I feel like I can't even trust most of my own family. I wish I was closer to my family; I wish I had a sibling to be best friends with--someone who would never let me down, but that's sadly a dream. I feel like I out grow my friends, or my friends out grow me. Then, I see the girls who have all been friends since preschool. It is sad. No wonder I'm so cynical. I lost my best friend in the world; she is alive, clearly, but she just stopped caring. I feel like I'm the only one who hurts from that. I feel like she doesn't care. And maybe she doesn't. She has all her 'good-time-charlie' friends, and who do I have? My dog? My friends say to me, "Well, you have Scott, now." Um, thanks? Does that mean I don't need you? Scott doesn't want to hang out with me, and why should he? He has friends of his own. Maybe it's because I am not like most girls. Maybe it's because I get along better with a 25 and 27 year old. I'm so stuck. I'm 19, but I don't enjoy the things that most 19 year olds enjoy. I don't want to waste my life or my time at the mall. I want to experience things. I want to love and trust and enjoy my short lifetime. I want to have a good time with people with out going to a stupid club or hitting on guys, and that's the problem. I am not interested in guy chasing or partying. I am so boring, lol. I like walking downtown or taking Vinny to the dog park, or simply going to the park. I feel so alone in the world. It hurts. It's painful to know that I have no one to be around or enjoy life with. I feel needy when I ask someone to hang out with me, and I end up not trying after a few times of being told, "no, I have plans, sorry." It's embarrassing. I walk to class, alone; I don't talk to anyone in my class; I walk back to the condo, alone; I drive to the dog park, alone; I teach tennis and train people, alone; I eat, alone. I do everything by myself. How can you expect me to be happy? Today, I'm sitting in a cold office for 8 hours, and I am alone. I try everyday to have a good day, to be positive, but I see myself slipping backwards. I wish I had a true best friend. I wish I had someone to hangout with everyday, because Scott--being my only friend--doesn't want to only hang out with his mopy girlfriend. I don't blame anyone. But, that doesn't mean I don't understand it. She was my best friend for 5 years, and when I went to ETSU, she just gave up. I had a new best friend, but she doesn't seem to care too much either. Maybe I should just be a loner like I always was. I never cared before, why do I care now?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
There is a difference between a redneck and being southern.
My last day of classes was Friday, and what a relief that was. What's not much of a relief are the 5 finals I have to take--4 finals and one final critique. The critique is going to be a complete bitch considering: 1) I haven't even started on my "semester long" project, 2) three teachers are going to be critiquing my project, 3) one of those teachers hated my idea. Great. Oh well, I have to just suck it up. It's not a project that I could do all semester, it involves scent... you can't hold a scent in a jar for 5 months.
Luckily, I pulled the last month out of my ass and some how brought ALL my grades up. Thank goodness, because I was having the worse semester of my nearly 3 years in school. If I had just chosen to stay at ETSU in the bullcrap degree I was in, I would be done by May 2011. Ugh, that kills me. But, then I think about how much I LOVE UTK and how much I love their art program. I feel like I'm being cynical again.
We have been babysitting Tootsie (my 10 [or something] year OLD chihuahua), and needless to say, she hates Vinny... she would eat him if she could. We've had her for 3 days now, and she is finally chilling out, but we still have to keep them in separate rooms at all times. It's actually hilarious to watch them. Vinny pounces her and bobbles around, and all Tootsie does is growl and snap and sometimes actually bite him. He doesn't care, he just wants to be "friends" aka play. My best friend also stayed with us for two nights, hilarious, because she and Tootsie slept together on the air mattress. She said, "I didn't get any sleep, because of Tootsie. I'd move and hear 'SQUEEEK!'. I told her that Toots could have slept with us, and she said, "No, I want her to sleep with me, she's pitiful. I couldn't help, but to watch her all night." Tootsie has super bad hip dysplasia, so she "walks like a runway model".
I really don't have anything to discuss, because I fully believe in the jinx, and every time I mention how well things are going, they blow up in my face within a couple of hours.
For instance, I start talking about how great work is, how many privates I have, and etc... the next week zero privates and cancelations on my group training programs. But, I plan on fixing that by advertising--at least where I work.
I love looking out our windows every day. The HUGE, green oaks take over each bedroom window and one living room window. It really forces me to start my day off happily. Plus, the relief of school being out for the semester make me extremely less stressed. Yet, for some reason, I've opted to take 2 summer-school classes. I really need to, because my major is a 5 year program, and it's already kicking my ass. I am only taking four classes next semester. If I could get into drawing 1, I would go ahead and take 5 class. I don't want to be here forever, but it looks like 2 or 3 more years for me...there is just too much to do for me to finish school at my originally planned date. I don't really know why I want to rush things, maybe it's because I just want to work, or maybe I'm rushing my life. I really love school, but I hate it at the same time. I have 64 hours left at UTK. So, I will be in summer school, a lot. That's okay though; I'm going to try to enjoy life more. Take is easy and slow.
My goal for May is self respect. Along with still eating healthier and working out more, I plan on taking better care of myself. I want to stop biting my nails forever!!! Ah, such a bad habit. I always stop, then give into temptation after 3 or so months. I want to have better manners, and I really wish to stop cussing so much. I think it's about time I mature enough to start talking like a lady and not a sailor. (Vinny just nuzzled me, and his ears are all floppy, because he's tired :P)
I'm going to get off of here and take care of today. :)
Luckily, I pulled the last month out of my ass and some how brought ALL my grades up. Thank goodness, because I was having the worse semester of my nearly 3 years in school. If I had just chosen to stay at ETSU in the bullcrap degree I was in, I would be done by May 2011. Ugh, that kills me. But, then I think about how much I LOVE UTK and how much I love their art program. I feel like I'm being cynical again.
We have been babysitting Tootsie (my 10 [or something] year OLD chihuahua), and needless to say, she hates Vinny... she would eat him if she could. We've had her for 3 days now, and she is finally chilling out, but we still have to keep them in separate rooms at all times. It's actually hilarious to watch them. Vinny pounces her and bobbles around, and all Tootsie does is growl and snap and sometimes actually bite him. He doesn't care, he just wants to be "friends" aka play. My best friend also stayed with us for two nights, hilarious, because she and Tootsie slept together on the air mattress. She said, "I didn't get any sleep, because of Tootsie. I'd move and hear 'SQUEEEK!'. I told her that Toots could have slept with us, and she said, "No, I want her to sleep with me, she's pitiful. I couldn't help, but to watch her all night." Tootsie has super bad hip dysplasia, so she "walks like a runway model".
I really don't have anything to discuss, because I fully believe in the jinx, and every time I mention how well things are going, they blow up in my face within a couple of hours.
For instance, I start talking about how great work is, how many privates I have, and etc... the next week zero privates and cancelations on my group training programs. But, I plan on fixing that by advertising--at least where I work.
I love looking out our windows every day. The HUGE, green oaks take over each bedroom window and one living room window. It really forces me to start my day off happily. Plus, the relief of school being out for the semester make me extremely less stressed. Yet, for some reason, I've opted to take 2 summer-school classes. I really need to, because my major is a 5 year program, and it's already kicking my ass. I am only taking four classes next semester. If I could get into drawing 1, I would go ahead and take 5 class. I don't want to be here forever, but it looks like 2 or 3 more years for me...there is just too much to do for me to finish school at my originally planned date. I don't really know why I want to rush things, maybe it's because I just want to work, or maybe I'm rushing my life. I really love school, but I hate it at the same time. I have 64 hours left at UTK. So, I will be in summer school, a lot. That's okay though; I'm going to try to enjoy life more. Take is easy and slow.
My goal for May is self respect. Along with still eating healthier and working out more, I plan on taking better care of myself. I want to stop biting my nails forever!!! Ah, such a bad habit. I always stop, then give into temptation after 3 or so months. I want to have better manners, and I really wish to stop cussing so much. I think it's about time I mature enough to start talking like a lady and not a sailor. (Vinny just nuzzled me, and his ears are all floppy, because he's tired :P)
I'm going to get off of here and take care of today. :)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Lookin' out my backdoor (if I had one)
IT'S THE COVER MONSTER! aka Vinny, attacking everything from under a blanket. It must be his favorite thing to do, because he starts snorting and kicking around like there's no tomorrow. He has been sick the last couple weeks, and it is wonderful to see him back to his old self. I love the little guy....as he attacks Scott's legs!!
I am disappointed in myself for not giving up facebook; I did for 3 or 4 days, but then something bad happened, and I used it to look and admire other peoples' newly blossoming relationships. Yeah, sometimes I do reminisce about our first few months together, before the stress of school and this depressing winter hit. And I refuse to say a good comment, due to the jinx (Jess and I have his insane problem with the 'jinx'; it proves to never fail in ruining a good moment). I will say that Summer is right around the corner, and we can both breath the fresh air we want to.
I started actually working out again, yay! I really love it. Too bad it's raining today, because Mae and I had planned a little jog before pilates--plus, I can't walk Vinny.
Did I mention how wonderful it is outside? It's too chilly, but I see leaves, tulips, grass, animals!! AH! Wonderful.
Anyways, geology lab final today, and I am ready to get it knocked out. I am doing so bad in school this semester; I think I have two C's. I think the winter and the stress have really combined. Plus, I have NO money, literally. I overdrew due to a confusion with the bank statement, and great, no one to teach last weekend or to train all last week. Great. I'm even more poor. Thank goodness it's almost summer--meaning I get to work and make a nice amount of $$.
Off to study. My goal today is to simply enjoy today. No stress.
I am disappointed in myself for not giving up facebook; I did for 3 or 4 days, but then something bad happened, and I used it to look and admire other peoples' newly blossoming relationships. Yeah, sometimes I do reminisce about our first few months together, before the stress of school and this depressing winter hit. And I refuse to say a good comment, due to the jinx (Jess and I have his insane problem with the 'jinx'; it proves to never fail in ruining a good moment). I will say that Summer is right around the corner, and we can both breath the fresh air we want to.
I started actually working out again, yay! I really love it. Too bad it's raining today, because Mae and I had planned a little jog before pilates--plus, I can't walk Vinny.
Did I mention how wonderful it is outside? It's too chilly, but I see leaves, tulips, grass, animals!! AH! Wonderful.
Anyways, geology lab final today, and I am ready to get it knocked out. I am doing so bad in school this semester; I think I have two C's. I think the winter and the stress have really combined. Plus, I have NO money, literally. I overdrew due to a confusion with the bank statement, and great, no one to teach last weekend or to train all last week. Great. I'm even more poor. Thank goodness it's almost summer--meaning I get to work and make a nice amount of $$.
Off to study. My goal today is to simply enjoy today. No stress.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
bubbles in the wind
Today has to be the most beautiful day thus far. I'm so grateful for the weather.
I have already worked out, walked Vinny, and now, I'm about to sit in my lovely (yes, I mean that) Northern European Art History class. Last night I printed out a new work out routine and a meal plan. I'm excited to truly be on track again... The work out killed me, and sadly, I couldn't go to yoga for more than ten minutes. Tonight, after I teach some tennis, Scott and I are going to go work out, again. Aka, he's going to play basketball, and I'm going to sit on the sidelines wishing I had the balls to play with the guys.......
I paused and forgot I was writing this at about 1 p.m. Now it is 6:30 p.m., and I am about to teach my clinic. Besides the sheets of pollen in the air, it feels wonderful. Fox Den is always quiet and relaxing, especially when I'm sitting on my home courts. I'm on my favorite court, in fact, in the shade. The breeze is just light enough that it is cooling me off--or maybe it's just that Fox Den has a protective bubble around it, making its weather the best in Knoxville.
When I walked Vinny at about 5:30, I let that time become my time to think. I let off so much steam, I felt so tranquil, but now the peace is going away. I'm having to remember problems, again. But, that's okay. I am working so hard to understand life and its little antics. Nothing is perfect, because perfect doesn't exist in REAL life. Perfect only exists in math and science type things. Something can always be better (or worse if that is what you wish). But things are not ever the same; each moment is different; life has its ups and downs, and that is just what I have to keep telling myself.
:) love love
I have already worked out, walked Vinny, and now, I'm about to sit in my lovely (yes, I mean that) Northern European Art History class. Last night I printed out a new work out routine and a meal plan. I'm excited to truly be on track again... The work out killed me, and sadly, I couldn't go to yoga for more than ten minutes. Tonight, after I teach some tennis, Scott and I are going to go work out, again. Aka, he's going to play basketball, and I'm going to sit on the sidelines wishing I had the balls to play with the guys.......
I paused and forgot I was writing this at about 1 p.m. Now it is 6:30 p.m., and I am about to teach my clinic. Besides the sheets of pollen in the air, it feels wonderful. Fox Den is always quiet and relaxing, especially when I'm sitting on my home courts. I'm on my favorite court, in fact, in the shade. The breeze is just light enough that it is cooling me off--or maybe it's just that Fox Den has a protective bubble around it, making its weather the best in Knoxville.
When I walked Vinny at about 5:30, I let that time become my time to think. I let off so much steam, I felt so tranquil, but now the peace is going away. I'm having to remember problems, again. But, that's okay. I am working so hard to understand life and its little antics. Nothing is perfect, because perfect doesn't exist in REAL life. Perfect only exists in math and science type things. Something can always be better (or worse if that is what you wish). But things are not ever the same; each moment is different; life has its ups and downs, and that is just what I have to keep telling myself.
:) love love
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Work, work, all week long.
The last week or so I have been taking Vinny on a walk/run every morning, afternoon and evening. I thought it would kill some of his energy, but he's just as crazy. I swear you can't unwind the dog. Anyways, Scott and I decided to take him to the play ground downtown, see if he liked it. Well, he LOVED it. He went down and up the slide a hundred times; he loved to climb all over the whole set. I love how childlike he is, how stubborn he is. We are both a bit obsessed with him--we even bought him a life-jacket for the summer.
Friday night sucked, to say the least. I won't discuss what happened, it would be rude of me, but it was terrible. I didn't sleep the entire night, and I had to work the next day from 9am-6pm. The good news is? It's over. It's fixed. Major breakthroughs happened; things are better. Am I still hurt? Yes. I will be for a long time, but I think it has helped me grow a little bit. I am the only person that can make me happy--the happy as a whole, not mood--and that is okay. Basically, the whole weekend was so stressful that I only got like 6 hours of sleep in over 48 hours. Now, the most stressful thing is getting 3 paintings done, when I've never painted for a grade or from an actual object in my life.....
I'm doing really well with my goals right now. I am working to get my life back to where it was, my body and mind. I am working to achieve what I have planned to do. By the end of the year, I want to be able to run 8 miles again... right now I'm at 3. I hope to go above and beyond the 8, and I wish I had someone who was willing to do it with me. I want to become a health freak and workout obsessor again. I think now is the best time to start, because I am reaching for who I want to be in life... making myself for likely to succeed at a goal I set.
Sadly, I am not asking my mom to work out with me anymore. I can't take the excuses or being blown off. It's embarrassing, it hurts, and it makes me feel unworthy for her time--which is not something I want to feel right now.
As I work harder and harder, I will blow off more steam. I will be able to manage who I am, how I feel and what I say. I just need a release agent other than food. I want to drop that bad habit. I want to exercise when I am down-in-the-dumps. But mostly, I want more that what I think I have. I want to work.
<3<3
Friday night sucked, to say the least. I won't discuss what happened, it would be rude of me, but it was terrible. I didn't sleep the entire night, and I had to work the next day from 9am-6pm. The good news is? It's over. It's fixed. Major breakthroughs happened; things are better. Am I still hurt? Yes. I will be for a long time, but I think it has helped me grow a little bit. I am the only person that can make me happy--the happy as a whole, not mood--and that is okay. Basically, the whole weekend was so stressful that I only got like 6 hours of sleep in over 48 hours. Now, the most stressful thing is getting 3 paintings done, when I've never painted for a grade or from an actual object in my life.....
I'm doing really well with my goals right now. I am working to get my life back to where it was, my body and mind. I am working to achieve what I have planned to do. By the end of the year, I want to be able to run 8 miles again... right now I'm at 3. I hope to go above and beyond the 8, and I wish I had someone who was willing to do it with me. I want to become a health freak and workout obsessor again. I think now is the best time to start, because I am reaching for who I want to be in life... making myself for likely to succeed at a goal I set.
Sadly, I am not asking my mom to work out with me anymore. I can't take the excuses or being blown off. It's embarrassing, it hurts, and it makes me feel unworthy for her time--which is not something I want to feel right now.
As I work harder and harder, I will blow off more steam. I will be able to manage who I am, how I feel and what I say. I just need a release agent other than food. I want to drop that bad habit. I want to exercise when I am down-in-the-dumps. But mostly, I want more that what I think I have. I want to work.
<3<3
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Showers Bring May FLowers :)
Hello Beautiful Day! Yoga this morning.... :)! I'm feeling super today, eating my organic Kashi cereal--honestly better than dang CoCo Puffs--and drinking my organic tea. Back to health!
My camera came out of its dusty bag yesterday, and I was able to paint (if that's what you call it) outside. I can't say anything because I'm feeling so great. I wouldn't call it happiness, yet, but I am sure near it. I feel like most people classify happiness as a mood, but Scott made me see [happiness] differently.
When he would get upset, I would always say, "Why aren't you happy?" He'd quickly correct me, assuring me he was happy, just that his mood wasn't... umm... cheerful? Maybe he doesn't quite know what he was either (not the word cheerful, but what the whole statement meant). I just am excited to get back to who I am. It's spring. :)
I'm not writing much today, because I want to be outside. I want to water all my plants, and open the windows. I want to cross the street and take my camera out. Actually, before all that, I'm taking Vinny on a walk. Ahh, fresh air = <3!
Go outside today, guys! Go to the park, down the street, go somewhere!
Maroo.
My camera came out of its dusty bag yesterday, and I was able to paint (if that's what you call it) outside. I can't say anything because I'm feeling so great. I wouldn't call it happiness, yet, but I am sure near it. I feel like most people classify happiness as a mood, but Scott made me see [happiness] differently.
When he would get upset, I would always say, "Why aren't you happy?" He'd quickly correct me, assuring me he was happy, just that his mood wasn't... umm... cheerful? Maybe he doesn't quite know what he was either (not the word cheerful, but what the whole statement meant). I just am excited to get back to who I am. It's spring. :)
I'm not writing much today, because I want to be outside. I want to water all my plants, and open the windows. I want to cross the street and take my camera out. Actually, before all that, I'm taking Vinny on a walk. Ahh, fresh air = <3!
Go outside today, guys! Go to the park, down the street, go somewhere!
Maroo.
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