Double ear infection. Cool.

Finally! I am in my 30s. 30s as in the number of days until I will be home. Too bad I have a double ear infection that hurts so bad I could hit something. But, then again, when do I not feel like hitting something?

I've never been so sick in my life. I don't mean my ears, either. I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and sent it back to Knoxville. I feel cold, tired and pained. It probably doesn't help that I haven't heard Austin's voice in over 2 weeks. I haven't seen Nanny since November. Mostly, I haven't had a hug from someone that I love. Crazily, two weeks is the longest I've gone with out kissing someone since my first kiss. Cheesey? But, good lord two months?! Clearly, I'm going to break down on my way home, when he picks me up at the airport on March 12th, and when I first see Kelly, Mom and Dad on Sunday the 13th of March. I almost thought it was February... then realized it is actually still March and I started crying.

I have Q93 streaming live at the moment. Love Like Crazy is on. I don't think I've ever felt secure with someone before until now. I sent him a goofy present in the mail, and come Monday, February 7th he'll realize why I am so awesome. :) Surprise, hand-made surprise brought to his front door. Gah, I'm awesome.

We went to Milan on Saturday, and whoa. I live in the richest town in Tennessee, but these people are rich like you cannot imagine. It's like we have more money when we're rich, but EVERYONE here is loaded, so it's like a movie. I've never seen anything like it, but then again Brescia and Milan are the richest cities in Italy. To the right is a picture of the most famous cathedral in Milan or Italy or something. While walking past it, this statue... well, what I thought was a statue reached out and grabbed my hair and started whispering God knows what in my ear. Of course, being the classy lady that I am, I yelled, "MOTHER FUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" The girl I was walking with, well woman--she's in her 20s--was cracking up. Thank goodness the little girls were in front of us and didn't hear me. Austin said that he was surprised I didn't hit him... which I would have if I wasn't with the family.
Okay, moving on. To the left is one area of shopping. Totally bad ass, not gonna lie. There is this place where you put your foot in a hole and spin for good luck and what-not. Anyways, Milan is gorgeous and fabulous, but besides the architecture, it doesn't hold a candle to NYC. Yeah, yeah they have designers out the ass and beautiful people everywhere, but do they have culture besides their own? No. They don't. And, that's probably my least favorite thing about Italy--everyone is the same. There is no variation.  It's beautiful, gorgeous even, it's unreal and it's money like crazy loaded with money, but where is the melting pot? Guess America truly is a melting pot unlike anywhere else.


Yesterday was horrible. By far the worst day so far. I cried from 7 PM until 5 AM--which is when I finally fell asleep. The girls were not the best, especially one. I mean total hell from the one. Hell on wheels. I'm so stressed that my hair is falling out. That's attractive.


I just keep telling myself to imagine how wonderful Tennessee is going to be when I arrive home. It will be mid-March. Which means only 17 days until my second favorite month of the Summer/Spring time of the year, April. There will be flowers, sunshine, Spring rain showers and starry nights. Top down on the convertible, my hair going crazy and my skin warm from the sun. I get to wear my sperries with a miniskirt, tank-top and unbuttoned, thin long-sleeved... well, buttondown--my favorite outfit besides a bikini. Ah! Thank you Q93 for putting on a great Spring song on, Kenny Chesney's "Never Wanted Nothin' More". I cannot wait to sleep outside, hike or run with the sun beating down on my face. I can't wait to go to the beach, it's been too long. I have 3 shopping fetishes: undies, shoes and bikinis. Hell yes, I will be wearing as little clothing as possible. Love it. I'm so lame. I love hand washing cars, and I'm honestly excited to do so when I arrive home. There are so many things I took for granted... such as hot chocolate--little off subject, but their hot chocolate is literally melted chocolate. I mean you actually just drink a chocolate bar. How am I managing to lose weight again? Okay, back to March 12th. I love you March 12th. You may be my favorite day this year. I just got chills thinking about having arms around me again. 8) Hopefully, these thoughts will warm my soul enough to keep me holdin' on for the next 39 days.

I'm ready to be home and get the pressure off my chest. Soon enough. I need to to pass by quickly. It has to.


I'll see you soon, March.

<3

#2 for January 28th, lol

So, I have spent a lot of the morning reading back on my old blogs--my blogs from before I found my happiness. I have changed so much since my car wreck, since my relationship with Scott and since Malcolm broke my heart. I have changed for the best, too. I realized that I need to live while I'm here, because most everything will be there when I arrive home in 6 weeks.


I am so happy within myself. I couldn't ask for a better life, better friends or better family. The people I have in my life are finally people who accept me 100% for who I am. They do not try to change me, and in turn I do not feel pressured to be someone I am not. This is my life, and I can finally be who I am all the time, no worries and no pressure. That is happiness. That is love. And, when the cards are down, I have the people who love me by my side.


So, I am here again, having to open my eyes at what stands right before me. And, I am realizing that I have to accept some bad with the good. After all, not every day is going to be a good day, but I can make the best of it with what I have. That's okay with me, because I truly am happy.


Here's to a new beginning in Italy. I have 41 days left. I will do my best to enjoy some aspect of every one of those days. And, possibly the best part is that when I arrive home, Spring will have sprung, and I will see those beautiful Tennessee hills covered with life again. <3


"Cause I love the gap between your teeth, and I love the riddles that you speak. And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored, 'cause my heart is yours. So, don't you worry your pretty little mind, people through rocks at things that shine, and love makes life look hard."

6 weeks and 4 kilos.

Today makes is 41 days, 1 day less than 6 weeks. Yesterday marked 6 weeks and 4 kilos. I have lost 3 kilos so far, and it has only been two weeks. Hopefully, I will make it down to about 63 or 64 kilos. That is my goal.

As for the next few weeks here... I don't know how to deal. I have cried nonstop every night, and I haven't slept. I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt on my shoulders, too. 1) This opportunity is incredible, and yet, I still feel such a need to return home. 2) I left home after that stupid dream thing knowing I shouldn't have. 3) There is guilt about not seeing my Nanny. I promised myself I will be at her house at least 2 times a week this Summer. I guess I just have to make the best of my time here. I can't change when I leave, and I cannot get home sooner--as much as I hate that. I made a commitment, and I must stick with the consequences.

You know it's bad when even exercising does not make me feel one bit better. I am aching with pain all the time, and my back has started hurting again. That's how much pain I am feeling and how bad I want to go home.

More guilt set in when I realized that I missed my other best friend's first child be born. I am SO upset. I was the first person to know that she was pregnant--even before her husband, and I wasn't there. I missed Riley being born, and I am going to miss the first couple months of his life. I cannot wait to get back and hold him! He's so beautiful, and we all know how ugly babies usually are at birth... this little shit wasn't ugly at all! <3

I go to Milan tomorrow... I am kinda excited about that. Too bad I refuse to spend money, because I must come back with at least 1700 euros. I'm really crazy.

Forty-one days left to see some of Europe. Forty-one days left to feel guilt. Forty nights left to be alone. Still, I have a glimpse of hope. Like Mom said, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

<3

I have never felt such an intense pull on my heart.

I don't know how I can last 6 more weeks.

March 12.

     I will arrive home March 12, 2011. I will not be ashamed. I will be happy. I will see my Nanny, mom, dad, boyfriend, BESTFRIEND, baby boy (Vinny lol), Tootsie, home, courts, streets and town... and, even if it is all known and old to me, I will love every second of it.

     Today, I walked to the cities edge, to a deserted part of town, to the bottom of a mountain, and back to the center of Brescia; I saw the Alps from the Earth's ground, and I stumbled upon ancient ruins while trying to discover the post office. Italy truly is amazing. You can't put it into words; you can't take a picture of it. But, you can see it for yourself and know what I am talking about. You can walk solid for 3 hours and keep finding things to get into; the sights are always changing.
     My favorite part about Brescia is that I cannot speak Italian in anyway, but I sure as hell can get what ever I want to eat! You can pick anything on the menu, and it will be delicious. In fact, I picked something random and it happened to be pesto sauce--I HATE PESTO--and oh.em.gee, so delicious. Their meats are consumed raw; consuming raw meat never sounds or feels safe, but it is drool worthy--divine, perfect, mesmerizing. Don't even get me started on my croissants that I get every morning or fresh orange juice. How about their preserves and jams... sorry, Nanny, but I have never had it like this. And, the craziest part is that there is very little butter or sugar. How?! Why?! And, where can I learn to cook like this? My Italian mom is such a great cook. She gets it, fosho. Strangely, I tried to make big, fluffy pancakes this morning--keep in mind that I make wonderful pancakes--but they turned out like crepes? Thick batter and it still made crepes? I'm defs in Europe...I maaaaayyyy have slathered 3 of my "pancakes" with Nutella--literally from Switzerland and another thing I hate in the USA, but love here.
     Now, it is very hard being alone every night and not being touched by a loved one. But, it's even harder knowing I have 45 days left. It seems so far away. I cannot wait to see my Nanny. I have this overwhelming sense that I need to be home, now. The day before I left, which would be three months until I would have to come home to get my Visa, I told Austin that in 6 weeks and 36 days (spoken like that in the dream I had where I saw this, lol) that someone was going to die. I can't remember who it was, but I am praying it is not someone close to me. I can't remember if it was me or someone close to me, but someone or something. I'm so creepy it isn't even fair.
     So, Knoxvegas, I will see you in 45 days. Prepare yourselves!
<3

March 12-17

So, I will be moving back to Knoxville in mid-March.

Some of you may think, oh I knew she couldn't last a year and others may think I'm a failure. Lol, but idk. My parents seem to be on both lists. It's not that I'm not happy here; it's that I am lonely, I want to see my grandma when she arrives back from Florida, and most of all, I want to start my life. I do NOT want to settle down, but more so I want to explore my life's possibilities. I will be coming back to Europe in August I hope.... I will start saving up money, and I am not getting another apartment, because I don't even sleep at my parent's anyways. As for a job, idk what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to teach tennis, but I have very little insight on what else there is for me to do.

1) MAC makeup counter--I think yes!
2) Rush trainer? I think I would be getting gipped!
3) I could babysit and make a ton of money.... easy money.
4) Dog walker? Does K-town even have those?
5) Photography--which has been a small dream of mine for years, but it would have to be a side job, because I wouldn't make enough money.

Whatever I choose to do I have to be full time. I am not in school, therefore I must work my ass off. Also, I've been thinking about cosmetology school since I was a kid, but I have also always had a fear of messing some woman's pride and joy (her hair) up... So, lately I've been thinking about the TSB Esthetics school.... It is only a 20 week program and the average pay is 40k a year. Which is not too shabby for a 20 year old. So, work at MAC while going to TSB? Hmmmm.... ;) Plus, the school starts in September so I will have all Summer to play. ;)

I may not have lasted a year, but I know I will remember this experience for the rest of my life. My Italian mom said we will do as much as we can and the best stuff that we can within the next 7 weeks.

<3

Running on 2.5 hours of sleep with 3 wild little girls.

Talk about a headache.

It's only 9 AM, and I haven't even seen the girls, yet, and MY HEAD STILL IS POUNDING. Eff emm ell. Not a good sign. Not to mention, I did this horrid Nike work out yesterday--so sore. I mean so sore that I can hardly walk. I nearly passed out during the work out, and I literally puked. TMI? Eh, it's my blog, bitches.

Speaking of bitches. I think it's one of my new hobbies to study their ways. Stupidity or ignorance? Both. Too much of a moron to care and too stupid to learn. Good combo. Mix with white-trash and you have yourself a winner.

I mean c'mon ladies! WHO TAKES FACEBOOK SERIOUSLY?! No, you cannot update your status every time you're pissed at your 'man'. And, even if you are pissed, wake up call--HE DOESN'T CARE. So, why would the rest of the Facebook world want to hear about it?

I guess it's hypocritical of me to 'bitch' about women on my blog, but I just get sick of it. They are so desperate and pathetic. Call yourself 'confident', say you 'love yourself', but do confident, self-loving people let others drag them along or run over them?! Get some dignity or self-confidence or pride. Or, hell, go crazy and accumulate all three. You think you shit? You'll get treated like it.

Well, Mama always said, "You reap what you sow." Thank goodness I have more pride and dignity than any woman I know. Not that I always have, mind you, but I do now. Thanks, Mom, for making me a total bad ass.

You know something else? You wanna be treated like a bitch? Keep callin' yourself one! There's a reason I stopped saying, "Yeah, I'm a total bitch." Um, because I am not one. I am honest, and yeah, I am a little mean. Sigh.

You bitchez get what bitchez deserve.

love.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn that company doesn't always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child."

<3

4.

Ah the sound of roaring skooters reverberating against the walls of the one lane--not neccessarily one way--streets. By the way, Italy doesn't believe in accurate or consistant street signs. And, my itouch doesn't believe in spell check 8/.

Might I add that I got lost in the streets of Brescia (pronounced bray-sha) for 2 hours yesterday before I sacrificed my obnoxious pride and asked for directions... Then, another hour trying to follow very fast, very Italian directions.

Good lord do I hate being so alone at night. I need my best friend or beau to c'mere and rescue me.

OKAY, it's not THAT bad. Oh my sweet baby Jesus the food is divine. So is the marble house I'm living in. Seriously? Is this from a movie?

I still am ready to come on home to my Tennessee hills. I just need to be hugged by someone I know. Not random people who believe it okay kiss my cheeks. My cheeks, Euros; mine!

Ciao, bambino. Baci!

Day 2 or 3. Depending on timezone. Ha!

So, I've been here for a bit and it is gorgeous. So are the men. Too bad I have absolutely no interest in meeting one. I have no interest in being here to be honest. There is too much for me to worry about back home. I'm on an itouch btws; I can only talk to people when I have internet... Awesome. I know I sound negative, but for some reason I knew I shouldn't have come to Italy. I have business to take care of in good ole Tennessee. I won't be here a year and now I thi k I'll be lucky to last 3 months. I'm so lost that it is pathetic. I really need to get my head back on my shoulders asap. Happiness has made me a little too lax. :) not that I want to be unhappy. I just need to find that balance.

It is day 2/3 and I am already being called home. I am weaker than I thought, or maybe it isn't weakness it's just knowing where I'd rather be. Italy, you are beautiful, so I'll give you a chance.

Knoxville, I will see you soon.

I will be on a plane to Europe tomorrow at 8:10 p.m.

     My flight was cancelled for this past Tuesday--thank goodness. I needed the last few days, the extra few days.

     I am sad to leave, but excited to go. It's funny. I learned that moving doesn't mean leaving, at all. There will be a whole lot of my heart left here.

     But, I will make the best of my situation. I will be okay. And, hell, if I don't like it I will come back. I learned a long time ago that nothing is worth sacrificing my happiness. <3

1 week.

So, I’m sitting here typing this on ‘pages’ in LaGuardia Airport... you know the huge airport in NYC.... Yeah, apparently they don’t offer WiFi that actually works. Fail, much?

I’m on my way home to Knoxville, btws. Incase you thought I was flying to Italy already for some crazy reason. I cannot wait to be back to Knoxville. I LOVED NYC! I mean, really, I loved the city, but honestly, I think Knoxville is so much more legit. Yeah, less culture, food and activity, but there is something about Knoxville and the U of Tennessee that screams to my heart. It will always be home to me.

BUT, that doesn’t mean I still don’t plan to move to Connecticut :)

I got to see a couple of my cousins, and drink some margaritas. I went to the Natural History Museum and took ridiculous pictures. Actually, I just took a lot of pictures in general. And ate. Lordy, did I eat. I ate so much. ha! I think I gained a good 15 pounds, no joke. Hope the men don’t mind my larger assets. ;)

I’m pretty pumped to see my friends tonight. I have desperately missed them, and it has only been 5 days. That’s really not a good sign for Italy. My cold feet are starting to freeze. :/ Hopefully, this is still the right decision for me. 

I’m not pumped to go back to not looking cute. I hope to keep up the cuteness in Italy, and I mean I suppose I can keep dressing nice my last few days in K-Town.

Good lord I’m about to cry, in an airport, alone, having to pee and a little cold. I am going to miss NYC, but mainly I am going to miss my fav cuz, Alexis. But, that isn’t my reason for tears. I have grown so close to a couple people recently, and I literally, 100% don’t know how I am going to leave them. Kelly Myers, no matter what, you are my best friend. I literally, absolutely love you. 

Okay, I’m crying now. I keep having flash thoughts of all these things I’m going to miss, yet I keep having thoughts of all the things I am going to see. I’m terrified that my friends won’t be mine anymore when I come home, and that the boy I am crazy about, who I don’t even know if I have now, will have moved on completely. I’m scared my parents will have for once stuck to their word and sold the house. I’m scared my grandparents will no longer be living. I’m scared Tootsie won’t make it another year, and I’m scared something will happen to Vinny. But, most of all, I am scared I will change. I’m scared I’ll come back and fit in even less, and I’m scared the people I love at the moment will no longer be lovable. I’m scared I’m going to regret missing a year of my family or my brother will have a kid while I’m gone. I’m so upset about missing my great friend’s first child being born. I’m scared that if I don’t go to Italy I will regret it, and I’m scared if I do go I won’t be happy. It’s all happening so soon. I’m going to miss a birthday, a Christmas, a Thanksgiving, a Halloween, a wedding, a homecoming and I’m going to miss my hair stylist. This sounds so petty and stupid, and it’s strange that it’s not my family I’m worried about missing; it’s the gatherings and connections I share with my family.

I’m still crying. And, through the tears, I see a little light in the blur. I can always come home. I can always stay. And for all I know, I may never come back. I may love Italy.

It’s Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 6:51 PM. I am in Brooklyn, NY at LaGuardia Airport. And, I have less than 7 days until I move to Brescia, Italy.

I’m officially terrified.

P.S. Midflight I have begun typing again, and I would just like to announce that the NYC nighttime view from the air is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life. Nature doesn’t always equal beauty, and man-man electrified metals aren’t always ugly.

Hello 2011! So very nice to see you.

     Well, I got sick. Thanks ulcers. While everyone else was running ramped in the city of New York, I was puking my brains out in a [tiny] Brooklyn apartment bathroom. But, damn, did I look good doin' it.

     I have been in NYC for 3 days now, and let me tell you, I L-O-V-E it. My hair has been wildly curly, and I have been dressed cute every time I left the apartment. I love it; I love this city. People are right when they say it is one of the best places in the world. It's beautiful and dramatic. Not to mention, my gorgeous and most favorite cousin is my tour guide for a week :). Love her.

     This AM I went out on a Brooklyn stroll--alone--and I did not get lost. I am going to go ahead and say, Knoxville, your food blows; why don't you gets some originality. NYC is so crafty and delicious. I had a REAL bagel this morning with REAL cream-cheese from this adorable coffee/pastry/anything you want shop, Ms. Deliah's. Sooooo scrumptious.

     We haven't done much except walk around, but walking 70-80 blocks is quite tiring, especially with someone who doesn't mope around (another thing I love--even my cousin is fast paced like me). We went to this crazy ass "mall," OK, the mall was outdoors for one and two the mall was in the middle of a freaking main street. I think we may go to Coney (sp?) Island tomorrow, and we are about to walk the famous Brooklyn Bridge and go to the MET. <3

     I decided to come back 2 days earlier, because I really need to get my stuff together for Italy. Nice chunk of change that cost me. I'm so excited to go, physically, but my mind and heart are already aching. I will openly accept visitors..... ;)

     Tomorrow, I am 20. I am 20. I am 20. I am TWENTY YEARS OLD. I am no longer a teenager. It's funny to think that Mom had a kid at my age and had been married for two years. Strong is all I have to say to that. It also leads me to wonder about my future and what the hell I'm doing with my life. It also makes me want to smack myself in the face. I am young, dumb AND stupid sometimes, but I will be forever young. Mama, I'm never growin' up.

     To 2010; to great memories, friends, food and laughter. To love and to the many people who have touched my life and heart this year. To my best friend, my family and my dog. I end 2010 with my passion, joy, laughter and heart back. I end 2010 happy, again. <3

   Sup, 2011? Wanna go for a ride?