Writings to my Brother. Postings to my Blog.

When will I know what the hell I'm doing? I'm going back to school online in January, ya know, so I can finally graduate. Sometimes, I really hate that I am in New York doing nothing that is remotely going towards my career, but I know I am learning a lot here and the city has taught me so much. I am learning how to handle people, too, and how to handle myself in very tough situations, but most days I really hate that I am not going forward in the career that I want--coaching. I love tennis more than anything, and I wake up most days hating where I am at and what I am doing--loving where I am working, because it's a really amazing company--but then, at the end of the day, I am usually happy to go see out family, but then it all ends by midnight, and I wish I was waking up the next day to coach or to exercise or to be outdoors even. 

The worst part is, I stay here, because I don't want to fail and for my pride. All New York has done is shit on my face and knock me down, yet I keep thinking if I stay here I will somehow make a push and move forward.

I know come Spring it will be different, because I have clients who have searched for me and contacted me via LinkedIn to teach their kids and such. But, I don't know, Bobby. I'm so worried that I am just wasting my time.

I also want to graduate, but I am going to be so far in debt graduating here, because I will probably have to use some of my student loan to live off of--which is okay, because then I guess I could be less stressed out and enjoy the city for a year or so while I graduate. 

I hope to be a graduate assistant come next January, because I will graduate in December. Maybe I should start looking at schools? Maybe I want to be a college coach?

I just don't know. I'm so scared that I am never going to be happy or settled or anything. I'm scared I'm always going to run around and never pick one place and grow roots. I'm scared to not see Nanny, and I miss our family so much.

And, after all that, if I am a graduate assistant, where will I go? Where will I get my masters, and WHO will accept me?

Maybe this is just how 22 is supposed to feel, but 23 is approaching too rapidly.

xo

Southern thoughts are lingering in my head...

I guess it's the struggle? Or the scenery? Or the lack of passion in my life? But, one thing or another is always calling me back to my mountains, and I really just don't know.

I miss home so much, and I really miss my family. They mean everything to me. I have family here. I have Alexis, who is my closest family member outside of my immediate family, but I miss my dad, my dog, my home. I feel like I always write about home sickness; it's just my reality. I am always searching for everything I don't have rather than being grateful and seeing all the beauty that surrounds me each moment that I breathe.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am going no where, and I am running in circles, going backwards to a place that I don't want to be. But, then, I leave work and run up 12 blocks and I am greeted in a bar by cousins I never saw growing up, and I realize how amazing this place can be.

Most days, I realize that I am searching for something I already have--happiness--but I am longing for a love I cannot live without, and maybe that's what keeps me running in circles. I am always looking for a place to call my home and a person to call my love.

Sigh

Here's the deal

Maybe it really just isn't all cracked up to be, or maybe I just cannot be satisfied with the beauty around me. I never want to settle, but I am desperate to grow roots. What do I love about being in Knoxville? I have places and faces that are mine. I have people who know my nickname is Maroo, and I have family who means everything to me.

But, I have that in New York, too, so I don't get what the problem is. I know I need to meet new people, but I cannot exactly understand how. I know I am a difficult person, and I know I don't exactly put off the 'bff' vibe when I first meet people. There still has to be a way though.

Maybe, I just need a place I love to live in--apartment I mean. Some place to call my home, not someone else's.

Today, I have an interview for a second job as a personal trainer. So, maybe the extra money will help me make it through the days and somehow get a place and somehow meet people. I know it takes a long time, especially up here. I know I have an uphill battle with not only myself, but with the people who surround me. This is their world, and I have just stumbled into it.

As for matters of the heart, we all know what is going on with those when it comes to me.

Drops of Jupiter.

xoxo

I've been slacking.

I am officially a New Yorker. I am also officially an employee of Scott J. Aveda... not a nanny--lolz.

I don't really know what to write, because I feel as if I cannot properly express myself on the internet anymore, but it's probably some stupid phase that I am going through.

xx

Madison to Battery Park City

Sitting in a Starbucks without WIFI on Madison Ave is not exactly the most ideal situation for someone who has a job interview all the way in Battery Park City and has no idea how to get there. 

The last few weeks have turned life upside down and back around a few different times. I cannot quite understand what is going on anymore. I have gone from tennis to nannying, and I have a job interview in both fields today. So, from BPC at the Ritz to Roosevelt Island and their racket club I will go. 

MIRACULOUSLY I HAVE WIFI!

The more and more I think about teaching in the city, the more and more I hate the idea of it. The more I think about living in someone's home as a nanny and getting paid to do so, the most I love the idea of it. It sucks that Tennessee doesn't look close, and I hate that my career is put on hold, but with the opportunity to simply profit money, and be able to straight up pay my bills off, I cannot be anything other than grateful.

The other thing I am debating: getting rid of my smart phone. I am so sick of being connected. I am not quite sure what else to do. All I need is e-mail. I do not need Facebook or Instagram or anything else. I need e-mail, and I may not even need e-mail if I get hired. 

So, let's see how the day goes. 

xoxo

So Long Sweet Summer

As the Summer comes to an end in The Hamptons, so does my life here. It has been a grueling 9 months, and I have grown in ways I did not even realize possible. I have learned who I am, and I have learned what I want out of life. I went home, and my friends complained that I have grown up too much and changed. Maybe I have, but it is for the best. I am twenty two years old, and I love myself. How many people my age can say that?

So many things have happened this Summer, and I quit the job that brought me here four weeks ago--which was the best decision I have made over the past few months, but it also means no school and a lost of $350 for the application fee and books I already opened. But, more importantly, I am now at a place where I can teach the way I want, show people my passion for the game, and help them grow as individuals on and off the court. Each day, I feel as if I am accomplishing new things, reaching for new goals, and developing my career.

As I said before, not only is the Summer coming to an end, but my life is as well. I have been offered some incredible, life-changing career options recently, and one may just take me back to Tennessee... except I would be the Junior Director for the entire state of Tennessee. That thought is nearly in comprehensible for me, but I am aching for the responsibility and challenges that will face me each day if I am chosen for the position.

Callie and I have been crying, and the thought of us seperating almost hurts worse than the thought of Filip and I potentially not being together all the time. Callie is my other half, we moved across the country together, and without her, I may not have met the man I call my husband. I hate that I am selfish and wanting her to move back with me if I go to Tennessee, but I honestly cannot see myself without her.

We went out last night. We don't have to drink. We don't have to pretend to be people we are not. We just are. We are ourselves. We are happy. We are best friends, and honestly, I'm pretty sure Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said our girlfriends are our soulmates.

I don't know what even the next week of my life will come with, and I have no idea where I will be in 7 days. I have no idea where I will be living, how I will get there or why. All I know is that I have finally found who I was always supposed to be... Miranda Elizabeth Cameron. And, that's exactly what I have always wanted.

xoxo,

M

September 2...

I will officially be moving to NYC...

I need to:

Start packing my clothes
Start saving every dime
Sell my car
Get out of my lease
Start running
Make a portfolio
Stop stressing out, because a flare up is coming on
Count my blessings
Find a place or three or five to work
Get my spa supplies
Get my gluten free skin care
Ahhhhh